Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Naming the Church Parking Lots

It was a long evening for this particular committee of the Highland Park Baptist Church to do its business. The members were tired from their toils in the World of Mammon, and they were assigned to this extraordinary committee for the Baptist megachurch in the suburbs of their large metropolis. After being suitably motivated by the sermon by Brother Warren entitled "Many Ministries in the House of the Lord," they were edified and took their charge seriously. Brother Warren had noted the pedestrianism and lack of religious message in what the parking lots were designated; somehow, you just didn't get much of a religious message from Parking Lot H! Therefore, he got several old-time members, both men and women (Brother Warren wasn't sexist!), to serve on the Highland Park Baptist Church Parking Lot Nomenclature Committee.

The meeting brought forth many ideas: naming the lots after Graces, after Books of the Bible, after Biblical places, and so forth. However, the Spirit did not jell; no one was really inspired. Finally Brother Bob suggested that the parking lots be named after minor characters in the Bible: by doing that people might be motivated to see out in the Good Book the relevant passage for the person from whom their parking area was named. However, Bob, Bless His Heart, was more of a fan of Tom Clancy than his Biblical readings. And so were the others. But they had a way: thumb through the Bible, and draw on Divine Guidance.

Sister Sue seconded the motion, and transcribed all of the names agreed upon by the committee as they were selected. She told the Preacher about what they decided, and he endorsed it without reading it.

A few weeks later the signs were up. Habitual parkers in what was formerly Parking Lot E were startled to find that their parking lot was now named Jezebel Parking Lot; and Parking Lot H was now named Zipporah Parking Lot! Parking Lot J was renamed the Herod parking lot. Of course, it was a long time before the congregation was completely aware that something was remiss; after all, theirs was a megachurch and no one knows what was going on, by definition. Certainly not those in the Ruth, Moses, Asher, Jacob, Solomon, and Abraham Parking Lots .

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Venues for Laundering Money

Ah, the life of crime has its pitfalls and requirements. Money laundering is one of those. Naturally, you can solve the problem by opening a coin-operated laundry, possibly on Minneapolis's south side. Or rent out vending machines. It's kind of amazing, however, that your typical candy machine pulls in $10,000 per day. They must be continually lining up at the machine!

But there is room for novelty here. Why not (I ask retorically) open a Tea Cozy Shop? Or how about a Bait and Bra Shop? Obviously, no Federal agent would think of organized crime using such an innocent venue with alliteration. Then, since cheerleading is so popular, a Pom-Pom Shop would be something to consider.

I'm so glad that the ten cents tax on espresso failed in Seattle. An Espresso and Mountain Dew Bar should be considered to meet the joint trade of the yuppie NASCAR fans. Residents will find it irresistible to browse in a Gorilla Dress Shop! Or run a Retreat for Sleazy Legislators. Yessir! There are niches for imaginative hoods nowadays. And I betcha the FBI would never figure out any of them. Yah!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Confusing the John 3:16 Guy

There's this annoying dude that attends sporting events, especially those that are televised, and holds up a sign with the message "John 3:16 on it." Naturally, he intended people's natural curiosity to understand the message causing them to look it up.

Anyway, I decided to pull his chain a little, just for fun. I made a sign, and attended a football game while dressing as primly as I could. Whenever he held up his sign, I held up my sign which said simply: "Genesis 19:31." I'm sure he he regretted not having his trusty Bible and immediately looked it up when he went home.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Staging of Swimsuit Malfunctions

How can you be noticed by guys when your assets are slight? Frankly, this is a problem that several ladies must contend with. While many of us are modest and assuming, sometimes even the more introverted of us might wish to draw the notice of that special guy, who happens to be apparently oblivious to you! Behind this problem are two factors: (1) The fabled unawareness of males, and (2) The dramatic maldistribution of the assets that make one attractive to males; specifically such features as having large boobs or blonde hair.

Now we all have heard that Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (even a movie title), and some of us have gone the route of becoming dyed blondes, with varying degrees of success. (I did it once; but with decidedly negative parental reviews; let's leave it at that.) There is the initial and maintenance costs involved when you dye to be a blonde, but also the approximately 20 points decline in I.Q. that accompanies this change!

And some of us have gone the saline or silicone highway. One Chili Dog has gone the way of the silicone interstate highway! Doing this is very hard to overlook, in both the positive and negative senses. The rampant speculations abut their reality status are inevitable; but this is, in a way, a kind of attention-seeking, and it works.

There is another approach that might be used during times of warmer weather. Specifically, some bikini swimsuit tops or halters come with ties in the back. These could be, you know, strategically undone at the time when your target male is near by. Immediately hold the falling top against your chest, and present yourself as both helpless and dismayed!

A bikini with bottom and top ties is necessarily a tension-raising thing: onlookers implicitly think: what if it becomes undone? (And many guys think, "Oh, please . . . . " And the scenario I'm describing capitalizes on that primal male fantasy: here's a helpless woman in need of a manly man to save the day!

So, by all means, consider this ploy. But do it strategically, and consider the possible risks. For example, you might show more than intended, or he might instead decide to acquire a souvenir!   My advice is, know your guy, and do this only if you're sure he's a gentleman. He just needs his gentleman button to be pressed.