Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Overcoming the ABC Sex Pattern

In many couples, the extent of coupling may devolve into the dreaded ABC sex: they engage in lovemaking only on anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas. Often there's no significant problem in their relationship; it's the doldrums of a bad habit they fall into. Very symptomic of that habit is the absence of lovemaking on the day dedicated to love: Valentine's Day, which becomes for them a roses and/or chocolate occasion.

How can this be oversome? With a little imagination and planning. Now Heidi, the Montanan Love Goddess, will suggest some possibilities:

1. Ground Hog Day Sex -- What better excuse for a little roll in the hay besides honoring the upcoming end of winter and our furry friend. Spend this occasion with a little snuggling foreplay while watching the movie 'Groundhog Day' and play 'I Got You Babe' while in bed together. Of course, following the story line of 'Groundhog Day,' this calls for an encore. Or two. Or three. Forget about work the next day; both of you are sleeping in!

2. Republican Sex -- Set one day aside per year and do it in an approved Republican fashion. Missionary position only. Both wearing night shirts. Hopefully, the right one of you will assume the biblically-arrroved wide stance and feel dirty afterwards.

3. Democratic Sex -- Likewise, one special day per year. Do it doggie-style, and wear a yellow nightgown. [Lest this causes Santa Monica limousine liberals to get their knickers in a knot, think Yellow Dog Democrat.]
Anyone for bipartisanship?

4. Dirty Dancing Sex -- Agree to watch 'Dirty Dancing' together; then engage in sex afterwards. 'Dirty Dancing' is a known aphrodisiac for many women; and by requiring guys to watch it first, this amounts to pity sex for them.

5. Super Bowl Sex -- Make this his special day! Fix the right Superbowl snacks and lay in his preferred beer. All week is devoted to the pregame shows, and then THE GAME! This gets most guys in the spirit of things. As soon as the game is over,ou don a cheerleader costume, but go commando, and give a rousing cheer:

6. Kim Kardashian's` Birthday Sex -- Let looking at "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" get him in the mood.

7. Arbor Day Sex -- Whenever the Hell this is, it's a good day for lovemaking. Planting the tree is optional

8. Valentine's Day -- Make this an occasion to indulge each others' fantasies! Shop and find clothing for him (or her) that turns you on! Do you secretly desire him to dress as a bunny? Fancy a sexy stockbroker? How about a dirty Catholic school girl? Make it mutually fun and a day to remember!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sex and Fishing in Montana

They might be apocryphal, but supposedly Montana has three strange laws.

1. The missionary style is the only position allowed between a man and a woman.

2. In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
3. It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Damn! Maybe the legislators need to do something about the first one. After all, many women particularly like cowgirl-style, and they vote! Can you imagine the campaign we could wage and use this bumper sticker:

Montana Fillies Do It Cowgirl-Style

As for the second one: I like to fish, but I'm unmarried। Should I ask guys out on a fishing date, or is that too forward? Maybe my legislator could take me fishing। I promise that I will bait my own hooks.

As for the sheep in trucks: maybe it should be sufficient for the sheep to be consenting।

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Fixing Some Flats

I'm perfectly candid about this: I got breast implants as a graduation present, and I don't feel a need to be secretive about it.

Picture this: I'm near graduation, and still wearing what amounts to a training bra. Or, most often, not. Band-Aids strategically placed were enough. However, one day Momma noticed what I was doing when I was wearing a tee that was more transparent than I realized. She scolded me for my tackiness, but after a tearful, mutually oncomfortable moment, she saw my dilemma, and started things in motion.

There were the various tests. Was I simply slow in maturing, or was that it? We saw various doctors in Nashville, before one explained this option I ultimately took.

We explained the matter to Dad, since it would run $7000. Not a small amount for a graduation present, not to mention my and Momma's commitment.

The discomfort was bearable. They results were great!

I graduated AA and with high honors; I started university as a freshman with boobs requiring full-fledged B cups. In a way, the whole experience released my from a lot of inhibitions. (No, I didn't completely flaunt my breasts!)

I like my store-bought ta-tas. I affectionately refer to them as "my Alps!" They did boost my confidence, however silly it may seem to others. I'm not suggesting it as a universal self-esteem fix; but sometimes the simpler road is the one to take. I'll just be happy, and leave others to whatever opinions that may entertain.