Helping a Choking Woman

Two southerners stop in for a bite to eat, while discussing their moonshine operation. A woman at another table begins to cough. Pretty soon she is choking. One southerner says to her "Can yer breathe?" She shakes her head..no. He asks: "Can yer talk?" She shakes her head..No. He gets up, walks over to her, lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties and licks her on one butt cheek. The woman is so shocked by this, she coughs up the food she had been choking on. The southerner slowly walks back to the table to join his partner. The other southerner says "I done heard about that there HIND LICK manuver, but I've never seen it done." 

Have You Ever Been Diddled?

One time there was a town girl and a country girl got to talking about the boys they had went with. The town girl told what kind of car her boyfriends used to drive, and how much money their folks has got. But the country girl didn't take no interest in things like that, and she says the fellows are always trying to get into her pants. 

So finally the town girl says, "Have you ever been diddled?" The country girl giggled, and she says yes, a little bit. 

"How much?" says the town girl. "Oh, about like that," says the country girl, and she held up her finger to show an inch, or maybe an inch and a half. 

The town girl just laughed, and pretty soon the country girl says, "Have you ever been diddled?" 

The town girl says of course she has, lots of times. "How much?" says the country girl. "Oh, about like that," says the town girl, and she marked off about eight inches, or maybe nine. 

The country girl just sat there goggle-eyed, and she drawed a big smile and said, "Wow, girl! That's not being diddled; that's being gloriously laiiiid!" 

Playing a Country Song Backward

What happens when you play a country song backward?

You get out of jail, your wife comes back to you, and your dog comes back to life.

And you get to drink more beer.

Small Town Police Report

Small town newspaper reporting is sometimes slim pickings. However, the weekly Flathead Beacon in Kalispell (pop. 22,052) has found some ways of filling in with generally entertaining news items. Here are a few samples from different weeks, for your information:

9:12 a.m. A dog bit their owner on Peaceful Lane in Lakeside.

11:05 p.m. A man was standing on a roof in Columbia Falls with binoculars. The reporting party was convinced he was up to no good.

1:59 p.m. A Columbia Falls man called 911 because there was an old purple Escort driving around his neighborhood that “doesn’t belong here.”

4:12 p.m. A recently released inmate from the Flathead County jail inquired how they could get their guinea pig back.

8:46 a.m. A Bigfork woman pocket dialed 911. She blamed her dog.

9:31 p.m. Another Kalispell man complained about the youths and their “crotch rockets.”

11:27 p.m. Two people sustained minor injuries during a fight over the 1989 Walt Disney Pictures classic “The Little Mermaid.”


https://flatheadbeacon.com/2018/07/03/little-mermaid-drama/

You can access other week's police reports by using the choices at the bottom of the page.

Why Live to be a Hundred?

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

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That's Ominous

Equally applicable for both dietary overindulgence and pregnancy.