Tuesday, August 14, 2018

News from Flathead County

Here's the police blotter from the Flathead Beacon. These sorts of things make the news in Flathead County, Montana.

9:24 a.m. A local man was upset that someone flipped the bird at him so he called 911.
10:26 a.m. A Martin City woman who lives between the town’s two bars said she was sick and tired of people fighting each other in front of her house.
10:57 a.m. A local resident’s phone was stolen in East Glacier Park.
11:01 a.m. A local man found his bike that had been stolen from McDonald’s the previous night.
11:21 a.m. A motorhome in Bigfork burst into flames.
12:13 p.m. A dog was reportedly locked in a hot Jeep parked “in the middle of nowhere.”
12:28 p.m. A landlord-tenant dispute was getting “aggressive” in Columbia Falls.
12:42 p.m. A Hungry Horse man found his stolen bike.
2:14 p.m. A man running heavy equipment called 911. The dispatcher couldn’t hear what the man was saying and eventually the guy just hung up, leading the dispatcher to believe it was probably a pocket dial.
3:25 p.m. A Columbia Falls man reported that his ex-wife was causing trouble.
Apparently, crime is not a big priority here.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Three Sizes

One time a young fellow was going to marry a girl up on Panther Creek, but they hadn’t done no screwing yet. The girl seen him taking a leak out behind the barn, so then she begun to holler that the wedding will have to be called off. “You’re a-carrying more than I can take,” she says, “that thing is too big for a little girl like me!” But the young fellow just laughed. “I’ve got three of ’em,” says he. “One is lady size, another’n is whore size, and the third is mare size. I always use the mare size to piss with.”
So the girl says all right, and they got married right away. The first night she tried the lady size, and everything went fine. The second night she latched onto the whore size, and that was wonderful, too. The third night she called for the mare size, and it was the best of all. Him and her both had a good time, and you’d think they would live happy ever after.
About three weeks after the wedding, the girl woke up one morning, and she just laid there and yawned. “Honey,” she says, “fetch me one of the garters that is hanging on the chair.” The young fellow just grinned at her. “You ain’t got no stockings on,” says he. “What do you want with a garter?” The girl yawned again, and snuggled up against him. “I just thought of something,” she says. “If we can tie all three of them pricks together, maybe I could get some good fucking for a change!”

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Helping a Choking Woman

Two southerners stop in for a bite to eat, while discussing their moonshine operation. A woman at another table begins to cough. Pretty soon she is choking. One southerner says to her "Can yer breathe?" She shakes her head..no. He asks: "Can yer talk?" She shakes her head..No. He gets up, walks over to her, lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties and licks her on one butt cheek. The woman is so shocked by this, she coughs up the food she had been choking on. The southerner slowly walks back to the table to join his partner. The other southerner says "I done heard about that there HIND LICK manuver, but I've never seen it done." 

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Have You Ever Been Diddled?

One time there was a town girl and a country girl got to talking about the boys they had went with. The town girl told what kind of car her boyfriends used to drive, and how much money their folks has got. But the country girl didn't take no interest in things like that, and she says the fellows are always trying to get into her pants. 

So finally the town girl says, "Have you ever been diddled?" The country girl giggled, and she says yes, a little bit. 

"How much?" says the town girl. "Oh, about like that," says the country girl, and she held up her finger to show an inch, or maybe an inch and a half. 

The town girl just laughed, and pretty soon the country girl says, "Have you ever been diddled?" 

The town girl says of course she has, lots of times. "How much?" says the country girl. "Oh, about like that," says the town girl, and she marked off about eight inches, or maybe nine. 

The country girl just sat there goggle-eyed, and she drawed a big smile and said, "Wow, girl! That's not being diddled; that's being gloriously laiiiid!" 

Friday, July 13, 2018

Playing a Country Song Backward

What happens when you play a country song backward?

You get out of jail, your wife comes back to you, and your dog comes back to life.

And you get to drink more beer.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Small Town Police Report

Small town newspaper reporting is sometimes slim pickings. However, the weekly Flathead Beacon in Kalispell (pop. 22,052) has found some ways of filling in with generally entertaining news items. Here are a few samples from different weeks, for your information:

9:12 a.m. A dog bit their owner on Peaceful Lane in Lakeside.
11:05 p.m. A man was standing on a roof in Columbia Falls with binoculars. The reporting party was convinced he was up to no good.
1:59 p.m. A Columbia Falls man called 911 because there was an old purple Escort driving around his neighborhood that “doesn’t belong here.”
4:12 p.m. A recently released inmate from the Flathead County jail inquired how they could get their guinea pig back.

8:46 a.m. A Bigfork woman pocket dialed 911. She blamed her dog.

9:31 p.m. Another Kalispell man complained about the youths and their “crotch rockets.”

11:27 p.m. Two people sustained minor injuries during a fight over the 1989 Walt Disney Pictures classic “The Little Mermaid.”


You can access other week's police reports by using the choices at the bottom of the page.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Why Live to be a Hundred?

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.
“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.
“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”
“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”
“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”