Monday, August 18, 2014

Origin of the Name 'Sooner State'

Oklahoma is the Sooner State. Now what caused this nickname to come about?

There's the Official Version. According to this, there were a series of land rushes when Oklahoma Territory was settled. Some people did not play by the rules, but sneaked past the starting line early in order to get the best locations for their land claims.

In short, the state nickname enshrines people who cheat in land rushes.

But there's an Unofficial Version. When the territory was first settled, the settlement camps drew large numbers of prostitutes who had a large clientile. There was one amazing fact that these daring doxies discovered: the settlers were so excited to see them that they had hair trigger problems. Because of this, they could turn over more business per night than they otherwise could! They were able to turn a healthy profit because of this regional peculiarity among the males.  The state was named after a quaint 1890's term for a male sexual problem: premature ejaculation.

And because they finished so much sooner, the state became known as the Sooner State.

Which version do you prefer?

Friday, August 15, 2014

Stay Classy, Muscle Shoals!

How about Muscle Shoals panties?

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Engineers

An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
An engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

Outstanding Country Songs

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With a Few
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

Friday, August 1, 2014

You Can't Shoot Bigfoot in Washington State

Good news!  The legislators in Washington passed a law making the Shooting of Bigfoot to be a crime, punishable by prison and a whooping fine!

Here is the actual text of the law:

Whereas there is evidence indicate the possible existence of an undiscovered species a primate mammal variously described as Bigfoot, Sasquatch, an ape-like creature or a subspecies of Homo Sapiens.

Whereas, reported recent and past sightings, research by anthropologist, Primatologists, biologists, forensic experts, cryptozoologists, independent organizations, private individuals and the famous chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall support this possibility.

Whereas, the absence of specific laws covering the slaying, taking, trapping or harassing of said specimens encourages laxity in the use of firearms and other deadly devices and poses a clear and present threat to the safety and well-being of persons living or traveling within the boundaries of the creatures habitat as well as to the creatures themselves.

Whereas, for the safety of all, the carrying or dispersing of firearms requires a sense of responsibility to all surrounding individuals and animals. It is the shooters full responsibility to correctly identify the species before the taking of aim and or the killing of a species, therefore ignorance will not absolve the shooter of said charges.

Whereas, be it resolved that any premeditated, willful and wanton slaying harassing or any malicious activities upon such creature shall be deemed a felony punishable by a fine not to exceed One hundred Thousand Dollars ($100,000) and/or imprisonment, not to exceed ten (10) years.

Whereas, in the event of the slaying or capture of said creature any and all (moneys) proceeds and revenues shall be donated to a state college for future studies and or the protection of said creatures. The rights and physical possession to the said creature shall also be immediately donated to a state college, for further studies.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

An Awesome Yet Embarrassing Prank

Melanie and her boyfriend used to play pranks on each other at times.  He had a weird sense of humor.  That's usually exciting; however one day she nearly killed him for a prank that nearly got her sent to the Dean's Office.

He had this remote toy for his cat that would vibrate at the push of a button on a small remote.  It happened that this toy could be taken apart and still work.  The vibrating part is about the size and width of a quarter. Well somehow he had slipped it in the lining of her Daisy Dukes about next to you know what.  Now Melanie sometimes went commando when she was lazy, and it happened that this was one of those occasions.

When Melanie put them on she thought something felt different in its crotch (This pair was really tight, about a size or two too small) but she chose to ignore it in favor of looking hot!   While in her chemistry class, which she had with him, she suddenly felt this small vibrating sensation down there.   It first was just annoying but after a few minutes it started to feel kind of good.

Melanie bit down on her lip and crossed her legs even tighter and tried to ignore it.  Although it was insistent,  she figured she could wait until the end of class to investigate why this was going on.

After 10 minutes later, with over 30 minutes left in class it started to feel REALLY good and Melanie couldn't figure out what causing this!  It was hard to keep an interest in benzene and methane and all.  She just bit down harder and crossed her legs tighter but that actually made it worse (or actually better).  Melanie started to breath really, really audibly; which made the guys nearby look at her weirdly. As the pleasure increased, she let out a soft moan by accident. Although the teacher didn't hear it,  some of the class did.  She was practically holding her crotch to try and stop this vibrating.  It looked as if she was 'pleasing' herself.

As she let out an audible moan that my teacher heard, she quickly darted out the door and into the bathroom. It stopped outside the room and she checked her jeans and didn't find anything unusual so she came back and told her teacher that she suddenly felt as if she had to vomit so she ran out.  In the rest room, she found that she was completely sodden down there!

Well, with five minutes to go, the professor let class out early.  Then, Melanie went to her boyfriend whom she explained the problem to.  At first, he acted innocent; but soon fessed up to the little vibrator.

Melanie made him hand over the device that caused it to tingle, and she kept it in her Daisies for those special, private occasions.  And, sometimes, she would wear them to a particularly boring class in a lecture hall large enough that she could sit away from others!



Thursday, July 17, 2014

Shoppers




Stay classy, you all!