Wednesday, November 30, 2011

How Can You Tell When Your Neighborhood Has Gone Bad

A friend is currently living next to a 'transitional' neighborhood in the Ville of Knox. That's the standard euphemism for 'seedy.' You can always tell when the neighborhood is going in that direction by looking for a few tell-tail signs:

1) The public buildings look like candidates for urban renewal.
2) The bail bondsmen advertise weekend specials.
3) The drug addicts go to shop in pairs for safety reasons.
4) Beer can pyramids in front of houses.
5) You can find old-style moonshiners.
6) You can hear the interstate highway noise. No, oops! All this means is that you're in Knoxville.
7) The orange spirit flags are a faded orange, turning brown.
8) Hallucinating policemen.
9) People think that The Dead Clowns' song 'Bad Moon Rising' is about a fat person flashing his behind off a balcony.
10) The panhandlers are licensed to panhandle.
11) The grocery store sells 15 different types of snuff.
12) Every block has a car with at least one rim on a concrete block.
13) You don't snicker when you see Gay Street.
14) You search in vain for a Starbucks'.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shoals Barbie

The Quad Cities in Northwestern Alabama and the immediately surrounding area is known as The Shoals, a Chamber of Commerce-generated name. Anyway, some unknown acerbic commentator satirized the social differences in this microcosm in terms of types of Barbie dolls. I reprinted it because I thought it was witty and trenchant:

Florence Barbie
This princess Barbie is only available at English Village. She comes with optional Volvo sedan or luxury SUV and lives in a waterfront dream house. Available with or without facelift and tummy tuck and comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and sorority T-shirts. Florence Ken comes with optional Clark's Wallabees and an assortment of The North Face fleeces/jackets. He is available at Alabama Outdoors.

Sheffield Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Central Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, three cans of hairspray, 48-color eye shadow and eye liner kit and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Tuscumbia Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Cold Water Books.

Muscle Shoals Barbie
This gossip-queen Barbie comes glued to the front seat of her Ford Expedition with your choice of two children that comes with his or her own personalized baseball, soccer ball or softball sticker for the back windshield. Muscle Shoals Barbie is only sold as a two-pack with Ballpark Midge so that they can discuss how much better they are than Tuscumbia Barbie. Ken comes with his own coaching uniform because it's the only way he can see the kids. He's too busy working so he can afford to move Muscle Shoals Barbie to Florence like she told him to. Available at Target.

Russellville Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Russellville Barbie or Ken. Available only at Dollar General.

Central Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Northwest-Shoals Community College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Wal-mart.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Romeo and Juliet and Football

Kelsi Reich, a member of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, currently dating Buffalo Bills’ WR David Nelson. This is so nice.

In the Dallas - Buffalo game played in Dallas last weekend, Nelson scored a TD on a long run during the second quarter. He did something a little showboaty, I guess; he did a victory lap.

After taking a victory lap around the Cowboys Stadium field, he gave the ball to his girlfriend Kelsi. A totally sweet, heartwarming moment, yes? Hum, a must admit a little tear came to my eye.

No. In a column in Yardbarker, people commented that "she should be fired immediately!"

Some unsympathetic writer found her Twitter biography, and commented that "she’s quite possibly the most Jesusy or Christy cheerleader in history." Due to her quoting Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart & lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him & He will direct your paths." Apparently, the writer was from some other part of the country, and did not understand how commonplace pious references in the South and Texas.

The writer then speculated about cheerleader stereotypes and commented, "It makes you think about how the biblical types don’t often get to know a lot of men in a biblical manner in the bedroom.

Therefore, what’s the point of having a Lamborghini, if you can’t drive it?"

What an amazingly vulgar comment. He managed to throw mud on a sweet moment and introduce speculation on the couple's physical relationship. In that case, he went over the top! He screwed up. Bad Kitty!

This collective take on what should be seen as a bright, shiny, sweet moment in this dark night of the football soul saddens me greatly. And bringing up those tacky locker room stereotypes about cheerleaders does not help, either (as an ex-cheerleader, they HURT!!!!). As a matter of fact, I think that Christians have a reason to object, too.

That is all.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Questions to Think About

If nothing sticks to teflon, what makes the teflon stick to the pan?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Is it wrong for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?

If people from Poland are called "Poles" are people from Holland called "Holes?"

Can you cry under water?

Is there an abbreviation for the word abbreviation?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

When sign makers go on strike, what do their signs say?

Is it okay to shoot tourists during tourist season?

Why can't we tickle ourselves?

Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have five syllables?

Why do they call a building a building when it is alread built?

If seven-elevens are always open, why do they have locks on their doors?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If honesty is the best policy, then is dishonesty the second best policy?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Pasties is a wonderful word. It is used to refer to a meat pie in Michigan or Montana; but a nipple cover in Tennessee.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Name 'Idaho' Was a Hoax

The name of the state of Idaho was originally a hoax.

Idaho was name made up by a mining lobbyist George M. Willing originally for Colorado Territory. He told Congress that "Idaho" was a Shoshone Indian word that meant "Gem of the Mountains." By the end of 1860, Congress was set to name the Pike's Peak region Idaho. However, just as the name was almost adopted, they found out that Idaho was not a real Indian name, but only made up by Mr. Willing, perhaps as a joke, or for local boosterism. Because of this, Congress designated the territory Colorado instead of Idaho.

However, the word Idaho had come into common usage. One of the mining towns in Colorado Territory was even named Idaho Springs, and a steamboat was named "Idaho.". Later on, when miners found gold in the present state area, it became known as Idaho!

Idaho is still referred to as the "Gem State."

It is entirely apocrophyal that the state was named after the remarks made by the first prostitute visiting that august state: "I de ho'!