Saturday, December 28, 2013

Saudi Bikini Team

Sadly, we don't have a Montana Bikini Team.

But we're waiting for a Chinook.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Dining for the Immoral

I assume that the rationale is that sluts are too tired and lazy to do better.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

A Tense Family Scene Overheard

Most people in Montana can make a distinction between things that may be discussed in public and things that should be kept private.  Especially among that are painful family topics. 

I was the unwitting listener to a conversation between members of an older couple and a younger one.

It got loud!  I did not have to eavesdrop: the trick was to keep from listening to and looking at that family trainwreck that was happening.  Suddenly I showed too ardent an interest in my meatloaf.

"You fornicated with my daughter!  The two of you are living in sin! (the father speaking in 2013)

"Oh, Baby, how could you?"  (the mother)

And the older couple went on in a loud voice with the reproaches and repeated use of the word "shame."

I must say that I had more relaxed dinners.  And I imagine most diners did as well.

Most of us, undoubtedly wish the younger couple well.  They were both over 21, I think.  Anyway, people should be realistic about such things.  For some, virginity is still a big deal, as if a woman is devalued because of enjoying sex.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Feeling Ill at Ease in Certain Environments

I don't know how to put it well, but in certain settings alarm bells go off in my head as to the imminence of danger.  I don't think it's prejudice; it's some atavistic instinct that something is just not right, that I ought to be on guard.   I can't link it to specific, repeatable themes, but it just occurs.

Naturally, feeling that something might be amiss and taking precautions is better than to ignore those senses.  The cost of taking steps to avoid the situation is less if I'm wrong than failing to take sense and being right.

I grew up in the suburbs of Nashville.  Some, nontouristy parts of Nashville are less desirable, I must say.  But the place that makes me real uncomfortable is Cocke County, TN and some places on the Cumberland Plateau.

Memphis, Atlanta, and Birmingham are statistically dangerous, and I am very careful of where I go after dark.

The reason why I'm nattering on about this is that I might move to Seattle.  There are some parts of that area that I'm not sure about, like Pioneer Square or Belltown.  Anyway, I have to balance safety and affordability.  I would like to live on one of those islands across Elliott Bay, but doing that takes $$$.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Dry Counties in Kentucky and Tennessee

Tennessee and Kentucky both have some dry counties, the ones colored red.
As amazing as it might seem, Moore County, TN is dry.  So what?
Well, that is the location of the world-famous Jack Daniel distillery.  In other words, they can make it there; but they just can't sell it in-county.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Participation in Amateur Night

Among the wild escapades of the Chili Dog Sisters (an anti-sorority group) at Empty Ess You was our participation in Amateur Night at a strip club near the Tennessee - Alabama border.

We were bored.  Too jaded to find the malls at Franklin or Nashville to be appealing, and Murfreesboro can drag at times.  So we went one June down to Pulaski, TN to see a religious singing, which was different but did not have a long draw on our attention spans. 

Finally, it was Deena who suggested that we visit one of the state line strip clubs, just to see what it was like.  We were, like, desperate for something to do.

When we got there, there was a sign for Amateur Night, with promise of a $500 prize for the winner.  There was a fair number of locals, and a few truckers needing a break from I-65, which is the Most Boring Highway in America.

I don't know who suggested it, but several of us tried our hand at stripping, mostly wearing what we came in with.  However, there were a few old strippers' outfits that some participants had use in the past.  Frankly, it seemed kind of gross to wear someone else's panties, so I went with my own.

The audience was encouraging: each bump and grind drew whistles and applause, as did the unbuttoning of each button.  If you must know, I did remove my bra; and I untied my bikini panties and let them loosely dangle while I kept from being completely bare.  It was enough for the audience; even though we had been told that we would get booed if we didn't go all the way.  Actually, the audience seemed to be supportive of amateurs.

Did I feel any remorse the next day?  No, as a matter of fact, I even looked into getting some nice costume materials for a repeat performance and got a skimpy purple bikini with a teeny yellow microbikini  top to go underneath.

One of the further consequences of our sojourn to the strip club's amateur night was that we seemed to be bonded together more strongly.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween!

Have a great Halloween!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Sexiest North American Accent

The online dating website recently reported a new survey regarding the most attractive accent in North America. They surveyed over 2,000 men and women registered on  this dating site and found that the Southern drawl is the clearly preferred accent among the online dating populace, particularly among men.   This accent was preferred by 36.5% of those surveyed.

So how did the other regional accents do?

2) New York – 16.5 percent

3) Western – 13 percent

4) New England – 10.5 percent

5) New Jersey – 7 percent

6) Canadian – 7 percent

7) Midwestern – 5.5 percent

8) Mid-Atlantic – 4 percent

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Arkansas Teacher Dress Code

As reported in the Arkansas Times, Superintendent Dexter Suggs of the Little Rock School District announced a new teacher dress code for the 2014-2015 school year.

It bans flip flops, jeans and miniskirts and requires teachers wear underwear and bras and not show bare midriffs.  Furthermore, see-through or sheer clothing is forbidden, and tattoos should not be visible, if possible.

I guess those Arkansas teachers with neck tattoos must wear turtleneck shirts.

Is there no wiggle room for when bulky sweaters are worn?

Also, are male teachers also required to wear bras?


Monday, October 14, 2013

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Some Things That Scare Women

*Getting naked -- Most women enjoy a relatively narrow window of comfort for getting naked in front of someone else. It’s likely to be soon after our 19th birthday, perhaps between 7 and 8 pm on a Tuesday. That’s about it. The rest of the time, the thought of letting another human being—especially a male human being with amorous intentions—see us in the altogether can be extremely disconcerting. We’re painfully aware of our flaws (even the ones invisible to others), and usually prefer to keep them hidden by clothing or dimmed lights.

*Gravity -- As the saying goes, Rome fell and one day, Honey, so will you. After the age of 28 or childbirth, whichever comes first, nothing on a woman stays in its original location. Our eyelids, jowls, breasts, bellies, butts, and knees all start to sag in what can only be explained as a terrible design flaw. And since we can’t all pay to have our droopy parts relocated, the fear of gravity and its effects contributes heavily to the previously mentioned fear of getting naked, and to the next item on our list.

*The gift of lingerie --  Unless she happens to be within that previously mentioned narrow window of comfort for getting naked in front of another person, nearly every woman cringes at the thought of opening a gift from her man to find some lacy, transparent, completely impractical garment. Yes, we know it’s the thought that counts. Yes, we know in his own way he’s trying to be flattering. But good lord, does he really expect us to strap on that silly deal he found at Skanky Ho’s “R” Us? And does he think that when we do, we’ll look like the woman he saw in the Victoria’s Secret catalog or perform like the one he saw in a porn movie? Does he realize we’re going to feel like a right fool when our non-surgically-enhanced, non-airbrushed parts are flopping around with nothing to support them but a couple of pasties and a few , strategically placed lengths of floss? Now that’s scary!

*Bra or swimsuit shopping --  Nothing make a woman feel less secure about herself than stepping into a harshly lit dressing room with an armload of garments designed by sadists to make her feel lumpy and inadequate. She just knows it’s going to end badly.

*Late periods.  Unless they were left out of sentences.

*Meeting His Parents

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Montana Lieutenant Governor Likes Breasts

Recently, Lieutenant Governor John Walsh, a Democrat, made the news because Buzzfeed reported that he liked a Facebook page called "Breasts. Proof men can multitask2."  Walsh is a seeker of Max Baucus's Senate seat.  This "like" was quickly removed; described as an "unfortunate accident."

Somehow, although not a Democrat at all, I have no problem with this.  If he's a fan of boobies, it seems like a plus for him.  Maybe I should send him a picture of me in a bikini top!  A little BIE in the e-mail.  And maybe he would send a thank you note.  Girls like to be appreciated.

Read more:

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sunday, September 8, 2013

What Should We Call Them?

A lady has bosoms, a bust or a breast,
Those beautiful swellings that bulge 'neath her vest.
They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat,
In a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat.
You may speak of her nipples as fingers of fire,
With hardly a question of raising her ire.
But by Rabelais' beard, she will throw several fits,
If you speak of them, roundly, as good honest...

Okay, according to Oscar Brand, the using of the word 'tits' is a no-no.  Unless we're talking about a type of birds.

But is that true?  Over several nights in a watering hole, I asked ladies present their opinions on each of these terms.  Here's the results.  Be mindful that these are all young, unmarried women living in Montana and going to a university.  All had at least a drink in her:

Breasts           100%
Bosoms           100%
Boobies           80%
Boobs              70%
Tits                  40%
Hooters           20%
Fun Bags           0%

I don't know if this would apply countrywide, as my survey was small, and Montana might be a special case.

After all, we have a Teton River.  It's not big by Eastern standards, but we call it one.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Testy Festy

The annual Testy Festy is celebrated each year in late July to early August in Clinton, MT.  Here's an occasion for western fun and unhibitionness.  For the intrepid, they can try and be able to boast of having eaten a bull's cojones.  For the daring misses, there's a wet t-shirt contest, good times for all. 

There's four days of unhibited fun here:

Dawdling Wenches

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Inflatable Bra

Here's an ad for an inflatable bra that allows you to enlarge yourself to any degree you wish, even to G-cup territory.  wearing one must be a hoot; this would give a real workplace surprise one Monday morning.

And, if you wear it to class, suddenly everyone will be wondering why they missed seeing you before.

Only one possible problem:  Suppose one of the boobs develops a slow leak?  Would that be sufficient reason to abort a date early?  Guys don't typically have a sense of humor about things like that!

Isn't Japanese technology wonderful and practical?  They've developed a bra/swimsuit top in which you can press to enlarge your breast cup size.  It's perfect for those special occasions when you feel that you must look formidable, or at least matronly, and don't expect to be checked out.

I have one concern:  What if one of the cups develops a slow leak?



Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Strange Justice in Billings, Montana

Stacey Dean Rambold, a former high school teacher in Montana, pleaded guilty to raping a 14-year-old student.  This unfortunate girl killed herself.

The Judge, G. Todd Baugh, sentenced the 54-year-old teacher to 15 years in prison; but suspended all of it except for 30 days.  The Judge's comment was that the victim was "older than her chronological age" and was "as much in control of the situation" as the teacher.

What was that old fart thinking?  Is the rape of a juvenile so inconsequential nowadays that a mere 30 days would be the sentence?  That puts it on the same level as a D.U.I. sentence.  I would have thought that the bastard would have deserved a long spell in the prison near Deer Lodge.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Seville Statement on Violence

The Seville Statement on Violence was adopted a few years ago by an international group of scientists to counter the notion that violence is biologically determined.  It was subsequently adopted by UNESCO. 

The statement contains five core ideas. These ideas are:

1.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that we have inherited a tendency to make war from our animal ancestors."

2.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that war or any other violent behaviour is genetically programmed into our human nature."

3.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that in the course of human evolution there has been a selection for aggressive behaviour more than for other kinds of behaviour."

4.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that humans have a 'violent brain'."

5.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that war is caused by 'instinct' or any single motivation."

The statement concludes: "Just as 'wars begin in the minds of men, peace also begins in out minds.  The same species who invented war is capable of inventing peace.  The responsibility lies with each of us."

--From Wikipedia

It is astonishing that a group of self-designated scientists would come up with this kind of dogmatic statement.  This is more of a homily than any elucidation of scientific principles. 

Science is empirically based; not a matter of faith or wishful thinking.  And the origins of violence, whatever they might be, are properly empirical questions.  The good subscribers to the Seville Statement, in effect, published a Creed, possibly to be recited at appropriate times.  In that way, they join the company of the so-called "creation sciences."

Here's a reductio ad absurdum of their statement:

1.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that we have inherited a tendency to make music from our animal ancestors."
2.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that scales or any other violins behaviour is genetically programmed into our human nature."

3.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that in the course of human evolution there has been a selection for musical behaviour more than for other kinds of behaviour."

4.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that humans have a 'violin brain'.

5.  "It is scientifically incorrect to say that music is caused by 'instinct' or any single motivation."

The statement concludes: "Just as 'violin music begin in the minds of men', sonatas also begins in our minds. The same species who invented music is capable of inventing sonatas. The responsibility lies with each of us."

--David Seville, the Barber of Seville and Keeper of the Chipmunks.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Monday, August 19, 2013

There's a Place for Strangeness in Law-Making

Unfortunately, it's often the state legislatures.  Taking cues from nearby North Carolina and Texas, a Tennessee legislator introduced an act protecting the celebration of Christmas.  No other religious holiday was mentioned; and there was no case on record in which the celebration of Christmas was challenged.  Yes, Stacey Campfield proposed it.

It did have a desired effect: it got national press.  Like Tennessee needed more of that type of publicity.

But, okay, let's get serious when it comes to strange legislation.  Already, the eating of roadkill is legal.  But I challenge you to eat an armadillo.  We now have them, unfortunately.

But here's some other ideas:

1.  Banning Dreamsicles, since their colors are too much like U.T.'s.

2.  Limiting sermons to 15 minutes.  How long did it take Jesus to deliver his Sermon on the Mount?

3.  Make crabgrass and kudzu protected vegetarian species.  If you can't lick them, join them.

4.  Make it illegal to own more than two dildoes.  But why allow two?  Isn't that short of like polygamy?

5.  Making it illegal to mosey more than 2.2 miles per hour in Montana.

6.  Montana again: repeal that law forbidding unmarried women from fishing unless accompanied by an escort.  It's kind of strange to try to get a date when you want to fish.

7.  North Carolina has a law prohibiting Bingo games from lasting more than five hours.  Let's set our limit to four.

8.  Make it illegal to call carbonated beverages "pop."

9.  Require all sessions of the General Assembly to be conducted in the nude.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Problem With Suck

The fact that the English language is dynamic, open to new slants on the meaning of some words can sometimes pose problems.  Let's use Electrolux as an example.  This Swedish company was very proud of their product's efficiency in picking up dirt; they used a series of ads like the following:

You can imagine the snickering that too place in English-speaking places, where the word took on a host of other meanings.  The poor Swedish ad agency surely was invoking a testimonial as to the product's efficiency in drawing up stuff by means of a mechanically-induced partial vacuum.
Unfortunately, in the English-speaking world it can also be applied to the process of breast-feeding or fellatio.
To complicate things further, the term has evolved into a general put-down:
"Homework over the Homecoming Weekend?  That sucks!"
Therefore, I suggest that in everday parlance people take pains to distinguish what form of sucking is referred to.  It would be an acute source of disappointment and possibly dismay to find out that one's genitals were to be connected to a vacuum cleaner or sump pump! 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

A Totally Moronic Prisoner Treatment Initiative

Okay, even though I'm away from the Volunteer State, I still get perturbed with some of the idiocy that periodically erupts there.  Maybe it's clowns like Stacey Campfield, Joe Armstrong, and some of the other politicos do something utterly amazing.

But this one now comes from Anderson County, just northwest of Knoxville.

It seems that the county wants to charge prisoners in the county jail for personal items: toilet paper, razor blades, shaving cream, sanitary napkins, and even jailbird clothing.

Now I'm not one for coddling lawbreakers, but it seems to me that this is going too far!  Consider that most prisoners are strapped for funds, anyway.  Where's this toilet paper money going to come from?

Prisoners' families, that's who.  And if a prisoner has no one, then he's literally s*** out of luck.

Jesus, how stupid can this get?  Does this count as cruel and unusual punishment?

Where does the concept of being nice come in?

Damn, that's a foreign idea.

So what's going to happen when a guy gets the trots, or a woman has her monthlies?  Will they charge for showers next?

The best I can say is: don't screw up in Anderson County.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Her Son's Girlfriend's Nipples

Emily Yoffe gives some good advice on something that usually does not come up for most parents.

Briefly, her son's girlfriend never wears a bra, and it's evident. And distracting:

"My 20-year-old son "Ted" has a 19-year-old girlfriend named "Dahlia." Dahlia is very well-endowed and rarely wears a bra. However, she does wear low-cut clothing and often looks like she's about to fall out. The dress she was wearing last night was so small on her that it she couldn't zip it up all the way and she was very close to a nip slip."

Soon they are going on a vacation, and taking Dahlia too.  Emily's advice is kind; necessary for someone who is obviously oblivious to ordinary social conventions:
"You have time to have a friendly and helpful chat with Dahlia before you all go bouncing off on holiday. Take a supportive, not punitive approach:"

[Buy her a few bras.]

Going bra-less is acceptable in some settings; but not in others.  Part of growing up is learning the difference.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

How Anthony Weiner Can Turn It Around

First of all, let me say that poor Anthony Weiner is getting a bad deal.  Chicken waste liberal papers like the NY Times are calling for him to drop out of the New York Mayor's race, as are his opponents.  And this is all because of a little sexting and sending pictures of his willy to others.

I think that he has a chance, if he would get his matter firmly into hand.  He can re-label himself as the Full Disclosure Candidate -- unlike the others, what you see is what you get.  And, who knows, by using this straightforward disclosure strategy, his campaign might result in a happy ending!

Whatever the size of his equipment, he can't go wrong.  If it's small, he can dismiss the flap as "much ado over nothing," and if it's impressive, he can cite this as a unique qualification for office-holding.

Actually, sexting sexy pictures sounds so Tennessee........

Maybe that's why the New York Nervous Nellies wanted him  to drop out of the mayor's race!

Monday, July 22, 2013

A Seriously Odd Law

I already mentioned Tennessee's 'proud bitch' law.  Now here's an odd one from Alabama.  Did they really wrestle bears there?

Section 13A-12-5 Unlawful bear exploitation; penalties.

(a) A person commits the offense of unlawful bear exploitation if he or she knowingly does any one of the following:

(1) Promotes, engages in, or is employed at a bear wrestling match.

(2) Receives money for the admission of another person to a place kept for bear wrestling.

(3) Sells, purchases, possesses, or trains a bear for bear wrestling.

(4) For purposes of exploitation, subjects a bear to surgical alteration in any form, including, but not limited to, declawing, tooth removal, and severing tendons.

(b) Unlawful bear exploitation is a Class B felony and is punishable as provided by law.

(c) Upon the arrest of any person for violating this section, the arresting law enforcement officer, conservation officer, or animal control officer shall have authority to seize and take custody of any bear in the possession of the arrested person.

(d) Upon the conviction of any person for violating the provisions of this section, any court of competent jurisdiction shall have authority to order the forfeiture by the convicted person of any bear, the use of which was the basis of the conviction. Any bears ordered forfeited under this section shall be placed in the custody of a humane shelter, a society that is incorporated for the prevention of cruelty to animals, or the state Department of Conservation and Natural Resources.

(e) In addition to the fines, penalties, and forfeitures imposed under this section, the court may require the defendant to make restitution to the state, any of its political subdivisions, or a humane shelter or a society that is incorporated for the prevention of cruelty to animals for housing, feeding, or providing medical treatment to bears used for unlawful wrestling.

(Acts 1996, No. 96-468, p. 581, §1.)

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Crossville Doings

Crossville, Tennessee is one of those so-so places just off I-40 between Nashville and Knoxville.

However, this burg gets a little excitement now and then.

For example, several years ago, religious faiths were allowed to erect monuments on the courthouse lawn.  Some adherents to the Flying Spaghetti Monster erected oneof his noodily presence, and the city allowed it.

Now lately, a homeowner was approached by a woman who asked if she could swim in his pool.  The 54-year-old guy didn't figure there was a catch.  There was. He was robbed $1195.

Alas, no pictures.  Too bad.  This could be worthy of a Playboy or Maxim spread.  Just for the novelty of it.

And Crossville residentswho learn who was the woman among them.

Would she be stripped of church fellowship, or recruited by the Methodists?

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Charles M. Russell

Charles M. Russell was a 19th century Montana artist who painted dramatic Western scenes, featuring sometimes what people wanted to conceive of the West, and sometimes what it was like:

The Hold-Up

Three Indians
Smoke of a .45

Where the Nose of a Horse Beats the Eyes of a Man


Friday, July 5, 2013

Eliminating the Opposition

"Low Tax" Looper was a Tennessee politician who had an interesting career.

He attended West Point for two years; and later ran for the Georgia House of Representatives as a Democrat.  He lost.

Moving to Tennessee, he joined the Republican Party in 1992.  In his first political foray, he lost in a race for the House.  However, he later won in a race for Putnam County Assessor, defeating an encumbent with a very negative campaign and an absence of public appearances.

His performance as a tax assessor was dubious; seldom showing up for work and having irregularities in tax assessments. 

The Republican Party dropped him like a turd.  However, he ran for the State Senate, and happened to be the only Republican on the ballot to run against the well-entrenched Democratic Candidate, Tommy Burks.

Two weeks before the election, Tommy Burks was found shot dead in his automobile, and the killer was identified as his opponent, Byron Looper.

Because Tennessee state law required that the name of a candidate who died before the election be removed from the ballot and would not allow the candidate's party to replace a deceased candidate who died within 30 days of the election, Looper became the only candidate listed on the official ballot for the senate seat.

Charlotte Burks, the widow of Tommy Burks, mounted a write-in candidacy for her husband's seat.  Her write-in campaign got massive support from volunteers of both parties. 

She won the election, with 30,252 votes to Looper's 1,531.

 One of her first initiatives as state senator was to introduce legislation to ensure that the name of any candidate who dies within 40 days of an election could remain on the ballot, thus preventing the situation that occurred after her husband's death.

Charlotte Burks remains in the state senate, having won re-election in 2002, 2006, and 2010.

"Low Tax" Looper was convicted of murder and spent the rest of his life in the Tennessee State Prison, where he  died in 2013.,_Tennessee

Thursday, June 27, 2013

How Johnson City Got Its Name

Johnson City, TN presents an interesting case.  It's the county seat of Washington County' and it's where East Tennessee State University is located.  You can ride the Tweetsie Railroad excursion train if you go there.

It has a quaint law that prohibits merchants from using drums to advertise their goods.  Kazoos and banjos, alas, are not prohibited.

Also, it has a "Barney Fife" law, in which allows the local police to draft into service as many of the town's citizens as necessary to aid police in making arrests and in preventing or quelling any riot, unlawful assembly or breach of peace.  Presumably, each is given one bullet.

As for where it got its name, there are three versions:

1.  It was named after former President Andrew Johnson.  This is usually assumed by outsiders.

2.  It was named after Henry Johnson, a developer who developed the original settlement and was its first mayor.

3.  It was named by the local girls in honor of some attributes of the local guys, which they appreciated.

In Tennessee, they like 'em long!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Most Sexually Satisfied Cities

According to Men's Health magazine, these are the most sexually satisfied cities in the U.S.  Five of the ten were in the Midwest.  This was based on condom sales, birth rates, and sales of sex toys.

1. Indianapolis, Ind.
2. Columbus, Ohio
3. Fort Wayne, Ind.
4. Cincinnati, Ohio
5. Salt Lake City, Utah
6. San Antonio, Texas
7. Denver, Colo.
8. Austin, Texas
9. Boise City, Idaho
10. Chicago, Ill.

How did your city do?  Go to this site to find out:

Nashville ranked 32nd; Billings 85th.  New York managed only a feeble 90th.

Mayor Bloomberg should take this data to heart; and get New Yorkers up to speed when in comes to orgasms.

In the meantime, count Indianapolis as the Kinky Capital of the U.S.  This gives another dimension to those corn-fed Colts fans in The Middle.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bertrand Russell Limerick

There was a young girl from Shanghai
who was so exceedingly shy
that undressing at night,
she turned out the light
for fear of the All-seeing Eye.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Some Remarks by Mark Twain

Mark Twain gave this address before the Stomach Club in 1879.  It was suppressed for a long time.  It's raunchy; and please read it only if you are not likely to take offense.

He was a dirty old man in this case.  Not like the novelist of Huckleberry Finn.

"My gifted predecessor has warned you against the "social
evil--adultery."  In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it.  But I will
continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I perceive you are much addicted.  All great writers on health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance.  Some of these writers have taken one side, some the other.

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine
enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death."  Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor.  They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion."  In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy."
 Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art."  Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of
virginity."  Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the
hand is worth two in the bush."  The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy."

 Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language.  Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse."  Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise."

Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the
masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it.  The
name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it--but there is not room to repeat them here in much detail.  Brigham Young, an expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."  Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but its cheapness."  Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary--when they dub it at all--which is seldom,  It would be better to amputate the os
frontis than to put it to such use."

 The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament,
says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way than any other."  It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think its harmfulness demands our condemnation.  Mr. Darwin was grieved to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the connecting link between man and the lower animals.  I think he was too hasty.  The monkey is the only animal, except man, that practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond of sympathy and relationship between us.  Give this ingenuous animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put
aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an
intelligent and human interest in his performance.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime
are easily detectable.  They are these: a disposition to eat, to
drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.  The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the
least to recommend it.  As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it.  It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board.  It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence.  Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.

My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of
the "social evil" are bad.  I would teach you that some of these forms are more to be avoided than others.  So, in concluding, I say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much."  When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your system, get your Vendome Column down some other way--don't jerk it down."

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Nice Guys

One of the enduring quotes originated in baseball: "Nice guys finish last."  It is usually attributed to Leo Durocher, a former baseball manager.
Its tenor is cynical; and it has been generalized to business, academics, politics, and even hierarchical strivings. 
It implies that it really doesn't pay to be nice.  Some people have taken it as justification for acting like pricks or bitches.  So sad.
However, I'm pleased to report that meticulous research into the quotation has led to a full, corrected version of it.  It's nice to know that baseball managers can be so sensitive: 

Saturday, May 25, 2013

The Boy Scouts and Gay Membership

There's been a lot of noise recently about the Boy Scouts opening its membership to gay boys, while continuing its exclusion of gays from scout leader positions.  While I think that the Scouts should be open to all, let's put things in perspective.

Sexual conduct of any type is not supposed to take place during any scout activity.  To my knowledge, heterosexual behavior is included.  There are no merit badges awarded for proficiency while visiting a brothel!  And, darn it, we're talking about children, for the most part.

Sex is not yet on their radar screens.

And, the proper response of any adult, hetero or gay, is to keep it that way.   Maybe no adult should be alone with a child. 

At any time.

There's a conceptual difference between who one is and what one does sexually.  While the latter is one example of a specific conduct, it's not the entire picture.  We're more complex than that.

Would you describe me as a overt mockingbird lover?  Or incorrogible Republican?  Or confirmed Montanan?  Or habitual Moon Pie eater?  Or covert 34B bra wearer?  Or frequent watcher of Justified?  Why must the incidental of my preferring heterosexual activity make such a big emphasis?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

What the F***!

What in the hell is going on nowadays?

Suddenly yellow flags with rattlesnakes are popping up in town, even among the granolas.  Apparently, the I.R.S. in Cincinnati targeted Tea Party groups for special scrutiny in vetting them for nonprofit status, while giving liberal groups a free pass. 

Now Congress has gotten bipartisan for a change: a chorus of bleating that this was wrong! 

Let's face it: the I.R.S. is about as popular as an enema with the general public, anyway; so if the Obama administration throws a few I.R.S. agents or offices under the bus, there won't be too much wailing and gnashing of teeth!

It looks a little more weird when it comes to reading journalists' email records.  This can be like a major scandal.

Time for some low-level administrators to have their Come to Jesus moments, and take one for the team.  I know the Big Guy will make sure the buck stops somewhere else.

I'm being sarcastic as hell, I know; but the hits keep on coming and I don't know what other bad news is out there.

Bottom line: Politics makes people act like dicks: and non-tumescent ones, at that!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Terminus Braves Play the Fort Dearborn Cubs

What if U.S. cities kept their original names:

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Letting It ALL Hang Out in the Volunteer State

A former Vice-Mayor William Blakeley of Mt. Carmel, TN was accused by three women of waving and honking his horn to get their attention and then exposed himself while driving more than 90 mph, reported WJHL.

Basically, this amounted to drive-by masturbation at 90 miles per hour.

What I am not able to do is figure out how he simultaneously exposed himself and drove at speeds of 90 mph.  Throw in honking.  Cruise control plus yoga?

Who says they don't know how to have a good time in NE Tennessee?

Friday, April 5, 2013

More Bad Legislation in Tennessee

There's a current bill before the Tennessee House that would tie welfare payments to families based on school performance of the children.  Specifically, if the kids don't make the grades, then the family's welfare money is reduced by 30%.  The idea is that this would ensure better progress in school.

This bill seems to me to be a royally bad idea, poorly conceived and mean-spirited.  

Here's some reasons why:

1.  Some kids are simply unintelligent, and cannot make the mark.

2.  Some are unidentified hyperactive or mentally disturbed, and perform poorly as a result.

3.  Parents do not have complete control over what their children will do.

The sponsor of the bill: ol' Stacey Campfield.  The Ville of Knox elected him.


Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Defending Tennessee From Running-Dog Georgian Aggression

There has been a dispute between Georgia and Tennessee as to where their common boundary lies.  The upstart Georgians claim it was mis-surveyed, and Georgia has some land coming.  The disputed land includes Lookout Mountain.  No one thinks for a moment that Georgia has set its lecherous sights on Rock City or even the Incline Railroad.  No, they have more serious concerns: access to the Tennessee River to suck it up!

Basically, if the boundary line gets drawn a bit northward, that will include access to Lake Nickajack, part of the Tennessee Rivers system.  And that boil on the buttocks of  the South, Atlanta, will gorge itself in more and more water to water the lawns in Buckhead or other parts of the megapolis.  And never mind downstream Tennessee and Alabama!  [They give Alabama the short end of the stick with the Chattahoochee already.]

This author gives a fanciful, yet seemingly practical, way of thwarting those foul Georgians from doing their nefarious deed.

But in the event of a successful Georgian invasion, I suggest we go the Full Lysistrata on them!

Monday, April 1, 2013

April First

Today's your special day!  It comes only once a year, like Santa's sex life.  So enjoy it!
Vladimir Putain
Nancy Pelosi
Rush Limbaugh
Sen. Harry Byrd (D-Nevada), trying to shoot the bird
Stacey Campfield (R-Knoxville)
Rosie O'Donnell
Jenny McCarthy, doing something constructive.