Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Last Names for Children

The Goddess of True Love had a sense of humor at times.  She managed to make Delbert Loose and Christine Bowels become smitten with each other.  The kept their own names, as couples often do nowadays.

After six months their bouncing baby boy, Darrell, appeared.  But what last name should baby Darrell get?  Darrell Loose, Darrell Bowels, or Darrell Loose-Bowels?  Our intrepid parents decided to name him Darrell Lowell, amalgamating the parents' names.  After all, why stick their beloved son with either ugly name?

The Tennessee Attorney General was recently asked an opinion by a concerned legislator: Can parents give a child of theirs' a surname different from either of theirs'?

The AG's opinion was that either parent's last name was acceptable, or hyphenating the two; but they could not give a child a new last name that was different from both parents'.

Thus a small bit of freedom gets eroded.  Gee, even Republicans can act so arbitrary at times.  In my opinion, the child's first and last name should be solely the parents' decision.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Origin of the Name 'Sooner State'

Oklahoma is the Sooner State. Now what caused this nickname to come about?

There's the Official Version. According to this, there were a series of land rushes when Oklahoma Territory was settled. Some people did not play by the rules, but sneaked past the starting line early in order to get the best locations for their land claims.

In short, the state nickname enshrines people who cheat in land rushes.

But there's an Unofficial Version. When the territory was first settled, the settlement camps drew large numbers of prostitutes who had a large clientile. There was one amazing fact that these daring doxies discovered: the settlers were so excited to see them that they had hair trigger problems. Because of this, they could turn over more business per night than they otherwise could! They were able to turn a healthy profit because of this regional peculiarity among the males.  The state was named after a quaint 1890's term for a male sexual problem: premature ejaculation.

And because they finished so much sooner, the state became known as the Sooner State.

Which version do you prefer?

Friday, August 15, 2014

Stay Classy, Muscle Shoals!

How about Muscle Shoals panties?

Thursday, August 14, 2014


An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
An engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Outstanding Country Songs

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With a Few
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

Friday, August 1, 2014

You Can't Shoot Bigfoot in Washington State

Good news!  The legislators in Washington passed a law making the Shooting of Bigfoot to be a crime, punishable by prison and a whooping fine!

Here is the actual text of the law:

Whereas there is evidence indicate the possible existence of an undiscovered species a primate mammal variously described as Bigfoot, Sasquatch, an ape-like creature or a subspecies of Homo Sapiens.

Whereas, reported recent and past sightings, research by anthropologist, Primatologists, biologists, forensic experts, cryptozoologists, independent organizations, private individuals and the famous chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall support this possibility.

Whereas, the absence of specific laws covering the slaying, taking, trapping or harassing of said specimens encourages laxity in the use of firearms and other deadly devices and poses a clear and present threat to the safety and well-being of persons living or traveling within the boundaries of the creatures habitat as well as to the creatures themselves.

Whereas, for the safety of all, the carrying or dispersing of firearms requires a sense of responsibility to all surrounding individuals and animals. It is the shooters full responsibility to correctly identify the species before the taking of aim and or the killing of a species, therefore ignorance will not absolve the shooter of said charges.

Whereas, be it resolved that any premeditated, willful and wanton slaying harassing or any malicious activities upon such creature shall be deemed a felony punishable by a fine not to exceed One hundred Thousand Dollars ($100,000) and/or imprisonment, not to exceed ten (10) years.

Whereas, in the event of the slaying or capture of said creature any and all (moneys) proceeds and revenues shall be donated to a state college for future studies and or the protection of said creatures. The rights and physical possession to the said creature shall also be immediately donated to a state college, for further studies.