Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Body Farm and Other Notorieties of Knoxville

For a scruffy little city in East Tennessee, there are a few unusual things in the Knoxville area that deserve mention.

1. The Body Farm.

Actually, it's called the University of Tennessee Anthropological Research Facility. It's a place where the decomposition of human bodies in the outdoors is studied. There are several hundred specimens in this area near the University of Tennessee campus. This is not a place to go in for picnics or necking!

2. Alimony's

A basketball coach divorced his wife, and she used the alimony money to start a beauty salon and spa. Her establishment is located on Kingston Pike. It has a rather edgy name, doesn't it?

3. The Fellini Kroger
This is a store on North Broadway that is famed for its bizarreness and odd characters. Be entertained by the other customers while you shop.

4. Thunder Road

The romance of moonshine running was once big in the mountain South, and still is to some extent in the boondocks. One of the legendary moonshine runners is told about in the "Ballad of Thunder Road", sun as the movie title song by Robert Mitchum.

This song describes the action that took place on Kingston Pike in 1954:

Roarin’ out of Harlan, revvin’ up his mill

He shot the gap at Cumberland, and screamed by Maynardsville

With T-men on his taillights, roadblocks up ahead

The mountain boy took roads that even Angels feared to tread.

Blazing right through Knoxville, out on Kingston Pike,

Then right outside of Bearden, they made the fatal strike.

He left the road at 90; that’s all there is to say.

The devil got the moonshine and the mountain boy that day.

Even better: go to that web site and hear Robert Mitchum singing the song!!!!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The South Will Rise Again

The question should be: "Where"?

And should it "take precautions"?

"Look away, Dixie."

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Some Naughty Jokes for Wednesday

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?""Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me.""He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favor nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the postman!"

Friday, February 17, 2012

Future Beer Summits

One of the more successful initiatives in the Obama administration came when President Obama, in response to a contretemps between a citizen and a policeman, invited the two together for beers। The players were Henry Louis Gates Jr, a Harvard professor and race-relations expert, and James Crowley, a police sergeant who chanced to be on the scene. Sergeant Crowley controversially arrested Mr. Gates, thinking he was an intruder. However, the incident was construed by some, including the arrestee, as a racial incident.

President Barack Obama hoped that the occasion of having the two fellows over to drink some beers would promote more interracial harmony.As a good host, he asked the guest their beer preferences. Professor Gates requested Red Stripe, Sergeant Crowley preferred Blue Moon, and President Obama went with Bud Lite.

Apparently, all got along famously; and this could have provided a creative model for constructive political problem solving. For example, would the budget crisis have gotten so bad if Barack Obama and John Boener spent the afternoon with a few beers? Now I'm not suggesting that either or both should drink too much, just mellow out and get things in perspective. What thanks did the President get for his effort? Well, according to the Wall Street Journal, he got criticism from some because he didn't have the participants drink American beer brands! Red Stripe is Jamaican, Blue Moon is Belgian, and Bud Lite is owned by a Belgian consortium. Somehow, I think the critics missed the point.

Anyway, there's a larger issue at hand. Some of us with conservative leanings worry about the systematic erosion of of liberties due to an all-grasping and controlling government and other instititions. What can be more fundamental than the right of a man (even a President) to drink his preferred beer in the privacy of his own home?

Another musing: Suppose Mitt Romney were to be President, and needed to have a beer summit with Harry Reid. Could this possibly be a good choice for the occasion?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


FEMEN, a Ukrainian women's rights organization, has developed the method of risqué, camera-worthy demonstrations to an art form. I wish them success in their efforts. They were recently involved in topless protests in Davos, holding signs declaring "You're the reason we are poor," and on another occasion complaining about sex tourism: "Ukraine is not a brothel."

Here's two pictures of FEMEN in action, with their customary poppies headdress and antics. Not depicted is their going topless, with one breast colored yellow and the other colored blue (Ukraine's national colors.)

Perhaps these tactics could be used in the low comedy form that is Tennessee politics. Us Volunteers have a way of making a spectacle of ourselves in public life. Perhaps it goes as far back as Andrew Jackson and Davy Crockett.

Feminists who display their panties as a protest give a light twist to things. We need that nowadays. Both feminism and public life suffer from a surfeit of solemnity.


Many, many years ago, before I was born, Knoxville did a World's Fair. The sheer impudence of it was noted in the WSJ; the author of the article referred to it as a "scruffy little city." Now Knoxville has rejuvenated the slogan, "Keep Knoxville Scruffy.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sh*t Priests and Ministers Think

1. Could the organist possibly play this hymn any slower? The “grace” is rapidly losing its amazingness.
2. (During a pastoral counseling session) You think you have problems? Let me tell you about mine!
3. I wonder how many more tedious Parish Council meetings I’ll have to endure before I retire?
4. Please stop the overly dramatic reading of the Epistle. It’s not as if you wrote it yourself.
5. I hope Deacon Jones doesn't blab that he saw me in Hooters last Saturday.
6. I hope the bishop doesn’t have any spies around here.
7. I hope the bishop doesn’t read my blog.
8. The homemade cookies are nice but can’t someone give the rector a nice bottle of bourbon for Christmas?
9. How does a twit like Joel Osteen get tens of thousands of people to show up on a Sunday morning while I’m lucky to get 200 or 300?
10. I'll do a five-minute sermon; and finish in time for the Titans' kickoff. I'll be popular with the guys.
11. (When visiting another church on a rare Sunday off) Why would anyone possibly come to this place? What a dump!
12. “What time is the Easter service?” does not qualify as a pastoral emergency. See you at Christmas.
13. 40DD. How great thou art, Jennifer.
14. (Musing at coffee hour as you can’t remember any names) Why is it that all children under the age of five look alike as do all gray-haired ladies?
15. Will there still be a Pension Fund when I'm eligible, or will I have to be a bouncer in a honky-tonk?
16. Why don’t they make homiletical candle snuffers to be used when the assistant/seminarian’s sermon loses its focus?
17. I wonder if we get wi-fi in the manse?
18. Must that guy in the fourth row be a split second behind on every congregational response? I wonder if I can summon an usher using mental telepathy to have him removed before the Nicene Creed?
19. If you gave up that membership to the country club, maybe you’d be able to “afford” a pledge greater than $5 per week.
20. A monkey could have done a better job arranging those flowers on the altar.
21. It’s not that the microphones “don’t work as well as they did when Father XX was the rector,” it’s that you’re going deaf.
22. This meeting better end before “Modern Family” starts.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Elkhorn, Montana

I've touched on the less statesmanlike variety of politics lately; so as a change of pace here is a picture from a real Montana ghost town, Elkhorn. This imposing building is Fraternity Hall. I guess Greek life existed even in the Wild West.

The story was that the building was a place of entertainment for the miners. Boxing matches, music, and dances were held there. A unverified story was that once two men got into a fight over what kind of music the band should play, waltzes or square dancing music. The proponent of square dancing shot the waltz fan, and was hanged for it. I didn't know Strauss had that kind of potential for homicide.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Legislative Antics of Stacey Campbell

Well . . . . shoot! I move away from Tennessee and things start to get interesting. Politics and theatre do a wicked dance together that makes the National GOP Forever Debating Tour look insipid by comparison. Dignity, like Baby, gets put in the corner of this Show of Shows in the Vol State!

State Senator Stacey Campfield (R-Knoxville) seems to make a continuous one-man show of amusement for Volunteer State residents and ex-pats. This, dear folks, is the fella who introduced legislation to allow any full-time faculty member or staffer at a public university to have a concealed weapon on campus if they have a handgun-carry permit. Wow, just what is needed: armed profs loaded for bear or reluctant freshmen. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and the bill was lost in the process.

Not being content with doing this fine legislation, he introduced the "Don't Say Gay" bill, prohibiting the teaching of any form of sex in elementary school classes except for boy-girl sex. He also downplayed possible bullying of gay and lesbian children, declaring that "that bullying thing is the biggest lark out there."

He gave a radio interview in which he is quoted "most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community -- it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall.... My understanding is that it is virtually -- not completely, but virtually -- impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex...very rarely [transmitted]." What a mixture of strange conjectures and luridness. I am not sure of his sources of information, but they're quite unrelated to the true facts.

His radio remarks produced a firestorm of criticism nationwide; some quite deservedly pointed. He succeeded in making Tennessee the laughingstock. One irate restaurant owner refused him service at Brunch. Good for her!!!!

His saga gets stranger. A few years ago he was thrown out of UT's Neyland stadium because he came to a football game on Halloween wearing a Mexican wrestler's mask, despite explicit warnings by UT not to wear masks to the game.

Hey, what's going on? Republicans are supposed to be white bread sticks on the mud; looniness is the perogative of the Democrats. Can this being a State Senator be some form of cosmic joke on the state? I noticed that his senatorial district includes the University of Tennessee in it. Could mischevous university students have elected him as a prank on the State? This serves as a comfort to me to know that the State is not completely insane, and that undergraduates are still capable of doing strange things that shock adults.

I'm in a great mood today. I was gloriously laid by my boyfriend last night and I had a wickedly sinful hearty breakfast. I have a grin on my face as big as the Bitteroots!