Sh*t Priests and Ministers Think

1. Could the organist possibly play this hymn any slower? The “grace” is rapidly losing its amazingness.
2. (During a pastoral counseling session) You think you have problems? Let me tell you about mine!
3. I wonder how many more tedious Parish Council meetings I’ll have to endure before I retire?
4. Please stop the overly dramatic reading of the Epistle. It’s not as if you wrote it yourself.
5. I hope Deacon Jones doesn't blab that he saw me in Hooters last Saturday.
6. I hope the bishop doesn’t have any spies around here.
7. I hope the bishop doesn’t read my blog.
8. The homemade cookies are nice but can’t someone give the rector a nice bottle of bourbon for Christmas?
9. How does a twit like Joel Osteen get tens of thousands of people to show up on a Sunday morning while I’m lucky to get 200 or 300?
10. I'll do a five-minute sermon; and finish in time for the Titans' kickoff. I'll be popular with the guys.
11. (When visiting another church on a rare Sunday off) Why would anyone possibly come to this place? What a dump!
12. “What time is the Easter service?” does not qualify as a pastoral emergency. See you at Christmas.
13. 40DD. How great thou art, Jennifer.
14. (Musing at coffee hour as you can’t remember any names) Why is it that all children under the age of five look alike as do all gray-haired ladies?
15. Will there still be a Pension Fund when I'm eligible, or will I have to be a bouncer in a honky-tonk?
16. Why don’t they make homiletical candle snuffers to be used when the assistant/seminarian’s sermon loses its focus?
17. I wonder if we get wi-fi in the manse?
18. Must that guy in the fourth row be a split second behind on every congregational response? I wonder if I can summon an usher using mental telepathy to have him removed before the Nicene Creed?
19. If you gave up that membership to the country club, maybe you’d be able to “afford” a pledge greater than $5 per week.
20. A monkey could have done a better job arranging those flowers on the altar.
21. It’s not that the microphones “don’t work as well as they did when Father XX was the rector,” it’s that you’re going deaf.
22. This meeting better end before “Modern Family” starts.