Monday, November 29, 2010

The Botax and Possible Implications of It

Okay, I have been only occasionally following this lively debate, good citizen that I am. But I read an article from that semireliable source, MSN, and something in it caused me to wonder: "If Americans were concerned about Congress getting their grubby hands on their Medicare, wait till it touches their breast implants. Among the ways the Senate health care bill pays for itself is a 5 percent tax on elective cosmetic surgery like tummy tucks, face lifts, hair plugs, collagen injections, and any other nonrequired procedures-a proposal known as the 'Botax.'" -- from the MSN article.

Just what we need: our government copping . . . . no, I'll leave it unsaid, and keep it funny, maybe. Do they realize what it will do to the industry of Beverly Hills? Can Hollywood stand the hit? And what about certain key members of Congress? Will this change the landscape of L.A., where turkeys are the only ones with natural breasts? Will that change the primary meaning of "spread," where John Wayne or Ronald Reagan used to ride, or something you put on bread? And will the only plugs we encounter are accessories for firefighting or superannuated equines? Thank God for the prohibition of ex post facto laws by Article I, section 9 of the Constitution!

[Written during the health care debates]

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Dorkistan Bikini Team

The Peoples' Republik of Dorkistan, as part of their Five-Year Plan of Modernization, has instituted the Dorkistan Bikini Team. Fear our revolutionary fervor and beauty, Swedish Bikini Team!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Radical Proposal for Television Programming

At the University, we were encouraged to be innovative, to think "outside the box." Never mind the hackneyed expression . . . . but here's an idea that I have that you might consider.

Television has been routinely criticized for its failings. Specifically, it counts these offenses, real or exaggerated:

1) Programming is directed mostly to the lowest common denominator.

2) It has little appeal to the elderly.

3) Negligible appeal to males between the ages of 18 and 25, other than sports programming. Thus, this lucrative market is untapped for advertising consumer products.

4) It has little entertainment value.

And, more recently,

5) Network television is not "gay enough."

My proposal is this: Have a competition between universities regarding their teams' ability to remember basic facts of culture and science. Each week, two universities randomly paired off in a general information quiz program. If any question goes unanswered, a buzzer sounds, and the name of a show tune flashes on the screen.

Members of the team that fails to answer the question have two options: either strip off an article of clothing, or sing the show tune that was flashed on the screen.

This, folks, is a win-win prospect:

If the team members elect to sing the tune, the elderly are entertained.

If they choose to strip, instead, the young female demographic is entertained by the show, and the young males by the current practice of "shaming." Especially if the tune in question is "I Feel Pretty."

Naturally, the audience might learn from the answers to the questions, even if they are inevitably disappointed by correct answers. Therefore, the show has some educational content

What do you think of this? Is this a winner?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Corporate Sponsors for Strippers

Wanda Bodestar pondered the parlous state of exotic dancing in the Oughts: the salaries of strippers had not yet readjusted to go with the increased demands of the business, and the fickle customer base required more and more in terms of gimmicks. Last year, for example, poor Wanda spent over $4000 in hard-earned money on mighty skimpy work-related costumes. (But at least they could be written off on the income tax, that's a small consolation.) In short, what's a poor girl to do: the overhead had risen like inflation in the Carter years but the adjustments were as meager as the costumes allowed in Vegas.

In order to ease her troubles, Wanda watched a NASCAR race. Unknown to most Americans, perhaps intentionally by both NASCAR and the National Organzation of Strippers (their union), most exotic dancers and go-go girls watch NASCAR for recreation. She chilled out: it was the second pina colada that did it (another dirty little secret of that respectable profession). Then the post-race program came on, with the mandatory insincere deep-throat guzzling of the Pepsi by the winner.

And it dawned on her a solution: Have strippers get corporate sponsors. Yes, they could start off with the initial outfit festooned with various corporate logos and symbols. As she sheds each one, the focus of the audience in the gentlemen's club is on the ad, er garment, bearing the ad.

Little Egypt could not have been more effective with her Dance of the Seven Veils!


The idea was a big success.

Now at the Highway 97 Gentlemen's Club, Wanda is in the middle of her act. She teasingly plays to remove the Exide battery logo as the audience looks on. But all are ultimately awaiting the removal STP emblem or the Chevrolet logo, suitably sponsored by those corporations! Because of a local ordinance, Wanda will remained clothed in the virtue of the Taco Bell logo.

Ain't America grand!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Questions Regarding Some Theological Matters Regarding Procreation

Those of us who are trying to live Biblically, using the word of the LORD as a guide to our lives should consult the GOOD BOOK regularly and see proper guidance. I will admit that I have done it religiously; but have not found the proper Biblical passages regarding certain aspects of marital behavior. Obviously, these questions would apply to married people only.

(1) Should the missionary position be the only position to be used by proper, upright Christians, or is this something required only of missionaries?

(2) Does using the missionary position also apply to revivalists; or only to those trying to convert the heathens of Kentucky?

(3) How many times per week should a Good Christian Husband perform his husbandly duty?

(4) Does taking out the garbage also fall under the heading of husbandly duty?

(5) Is it okay for married couples to know each other on Sunday, or is that day reserved only for the LORD?

(6) Does the Bible say anything about who should sleep on the wet spot?

(7) Does doing it in the nude constitute a sin?

(8) Does using Crisco constitute a sin?

(9) Does wearing a bowling shirt while engaging in the procreative act an offense that good Christians should avoid?

Please share your Biblical insights with us.