Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Gnomes for All Purposes

I'm not sure what it is -- is it a European thing, or is it an acquired taste, or maybe it's a current rage that is just creeping down into the wilds of Middle Tennessee. I don't know; but there they are: these kind of creepy little guys with beards and pointy red hats in the oddest places around homesteads. This is especially true of a type of bed and breakfast establishment, where the owners endeavor to make it unique or distinctive while having it decorated with objets de arte that are very ulikely to be taken home by less ethical guests.

It's the Invasion of the Gnomes! Ahhh! They're now plaguing the Southland! And, gift boutiques all over the place are quite sluttish in their carrying these dubious decorations.

Unfortunately, if you see one gnome, you've seen them all. Maybe they could start making some with a little personality, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian.)

Now there's a thought: How about these? Be sure to give them pointy hats:

1. Bart Simpson. Now there is a back-yard statuette that you can live with for a long time!

2. Paris Hilton. Popular with dads and frat members. It gives an air of insouciance on the lawn of the University President's home.

3. Tony the Tiger. A great American who has done lots to make our breakfasts great.

4. Michael Moore. Suitable in a role as a lawn jockey.

5. Fred Durst. Have the first gnome with tattoos on your block.

6. Elvis. Instantly recognizable for his white jump suit.

7. The BP CEO. A magnet for vandalism.

8. Helen Thomas. Someone really scary.

9. Christina Aguliera. Because she's everywhere.

10. Fred Flintstone. Let us not forget our prehistoric ancestors.

11. Oscar Wilde. One of the first celebrities to walk on the Wilde side.

12. Jacko. Because it's possible now. Just don't make him into a lawn jockey.

13. An Enron executive. Da doo enron Da doo enron.

14. Bill Clinton. As long as it's PG - 13 it's okay for yard display.

15. Goofy. The most unsung and disrespected of the Disney menagerie.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

News from Dorkistan

Good evening, Comrades! This day, Wednesday June 23rd, has been a great day in the revolutionary struggle of the People's Republic of Dorkistan.

The Revolutionary Council has completely abolished the salaries of governmental workers and, instead, launched a policy making bribery of public officials no longer illegal but now mandatory. Thus The People's Republic of Dorkistan moves into the forefront of national development, becoming the world's first admitted kleptocracy. Other notorious kleptocracies such as Russia, Mexico, and the United States have yet to strip off the bonds of social hypocrisy.

In another development, the Revolutionary Council has adopted a straightforward economic policy: (1) do it later; (2) cultivate the recreational drug industry; (3) serve as a haven for remittance persons; (4) become a prime Spring Break site.

In a surprising economic move, the Revolutionary Council announced subsidies for Cheerleader Camps. "This will give full employment for our more active people, the fruit of a firm commitment to Dorkistani Socialism and an allegiance to the vigorous life.

Reports from committes also marked the plenary session:

The Revolutionary Flag Task Force is still unable to come up with a banner reflecting the revolutionary zeal of the Dorkistan people, given that the stipulations that the colour scheme include pink and baby blue.

The Tourist Council reported that Dorkistan has recently been removed from the list of Most Dangerous and Creepy Places after a few strategic bribes. Money well-spent, in my opinion.

The Revolutionary Ladies' Swimwear Task Force has announced its standards for proper ladies' swimwear. Single-colored bikinis, even strings, are acceptable as long as the caboose is covered and the swimwear includues a colour-matching native Dorkistani woolen hat. In reflection on the season in which swimwear might be worn, the ear flaps need not be lowered.

The Revolutionary Television Cooperative announced that it will show the A-Team four days a week; the remaining days being set aside for revolutionary indoctrination. This surprising move reminds all of the imperialist forces and bad haircuts that the Dorkistani Revolution is struggling against.

The Council of Mullahs demanded and got double overtime and free street parking for their revolutionary complaining.

The Revolutionary Council adjourned to a coyote bar after the meeting, and several danced Dorkistani folk dances on the top of the bar while the rest got dead drunk.

In the world of sports, the Olympic Committee of the People's Republic of Dorkistan has petitioned the IOC to include Zen bowling and Zen synchronized swimming as Olympic sports for the 2012 Olympics. Presently, Dorkistan will will participate in the marathon and gymnastics.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Montana's Officially Sanctioned Patriotic Day of Conception

I thought of this back in 2007.

Not Sufficiently burdened with the cares of the office, Governor Schweitzer had a new one presented to him by Montana's Official State Demographer and Hexmaster: the birth rate was alarmingly declining, and this boded ill for the state flow of income in years hence. After all, these cut little babies produced by those randy cowboys and lumberjacks with those Wild West Women eventually devolve into taxpayers.

An additional problem to make this worse is out-migration: young adults going elsewhere. Especially to those twin hell-holes of vice and bad music: Denver and Seattle. However, a reading of the Denver Post posed a happy solution: A Russian province, Ulanovsk, recently came up with declaring September 12th as a Day of Conception; and the worthy comrades are supposed to get (shall we say) better acquainted. This could be done here also!

So, he ordered the State Purveyor of Official Verbiage to write a proclaimation declaring September 15th to be Montana Officially Sanctioned Patriotic Day of Conception! (Hoping that the State would also get lucky.)

Immediately, people got into the spirit of things. The opposing party, fearing a groundswell of partisan support (some people feeling the Earth move), they declared it to be a State Day of Restraint and Cold Showers. T-shirt manufacturers produced one with a happy face on it: "I participated in the Montana Officially Sanctioned Patriotic Conception Day and all I got was this lousy shirt." And, Eastern newspapers wrote editorials tsk-tsking Montana for making such a commotion. Yes, the NY Times had a voyeuristic field day unsurpassed since the original Paris Hilton video. But, in the west, the newspapers of Idaho openly expressed anxiety regarding possible aggressiveness in the future by a resurgent Montana filled with libidinous survivalists (in effect, going along with the Eastern stereotype of the Northwest.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Panty-Throwing at Musical Concerts

The custom of panty-throwing as a tribute to the virtuosity (or other attributes) of musical performers is said to have begun in 1847 when Elizabeth Janos, a 19th century Hungarian lady, in the throes of passion elicited by the performance of Franz Liszt, threw her panties on the stage while he was performing a rhapsody. Clearly, she was, also rhapsodotic. This deed, although harshly prosecuted by the intolerant Austro-Hungarian government, somehow caught on as other brave ladies followed suite on later dates at other Liszt performances.

Then there was Tom Jones in the 1960's. This Welsh crooner caused many damsels to develop a need to express their admiration for him with their undies. Of course, Mick Jagger and Wayne Newton were also major beneficiaries of this custom, and this became an institution even onto the present day. One can only speculate on the numbers tossed the way of the NKOTB or N-Sync in the Oughts, not to mention the Jonas Brothers.

Clearly the custom has been around long enough for it to be codified in etiquette. After all, the received culture has formed during that time some ideas as to how to do it correctly or incorrectly when offering a panty tribute. Politness counts in this matter.

Let's start with the basics: Under no conditions should said panties be removed during a concert. This is ungenteel and unseemly. And it might upset the tender sensibilities of college males, especially of the Dean persuasion. Also, the careful should ensure that the panties they toss have been properly laundered and ironed beforehand. Never present a pair that is too old, or has faded colors, obviously stressed elastic, or skidmarks. I recommend that the thoughtful debutante enclose a small packet of floral sachet to provide a memorable scent and a short but tender note expressing your deepest and most sincere sentiments to the performer, but refrain from being too graphic. The compleat fan should extensively research beforehand what the singer's favorite color is in selecting which panty to toss on the stage. This further contributes to making the gesture both intimate and personal.

Careful sensitivity should be shown to Christian rock or Christian contemporary performers. By all means, throw them your panties, but confine those so tossed only to those purely white grannie panties. No, bikinis and thongs are too risqué for these songbirds.

Thongs are fine for hip-hop or rap singers. Salsa singers should be given full panties in the colors of Mexico.

It is quite mannerly to give singers your panties, provided you do it in a socially correct manner. I suggest that you will trump others by gift-wrapping your panties in a nice box or gift bag with appropriately contrasting tissue paper.

While I have used the word "panties" in this essay, there is no reason why appreciative guys might not offer a tribute to their favorite female songster by tossing their briefs or boxers on the stage as well.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Girls Who Won't: A Fable

Heather was a good girl. In fact, she was the most ambitious and virtuous girl in her high school. She became a legend in her own time: she founded and was President of Girls Who Won't.

What was not as commonly known about her was that she was obsessive-compulsive; but also liked to please boys. How to deal with this dilemma? (It was one for her.)

She thought and thought about it. She downloaded pages from the internet. She consulted the right sources, and then it dawned on her. She could be a Technical Virgin (TV), and still maintain her membership in Girls Who Won't.

You might say, she took matters in her own hand.

But, being a classical obsessive-compulsive, she was not content merely to pleasure the lads. She has to perfect her technique. She read books: The Moron's Guide to Tantric Manual Arts, etc. She took a course at the community college. She did correspondence work with a university in Ireland.
She became increasingly adept. And soon popular. She knew how to do it well. And she was elected Homecoming Queen. She always traveled with an entourage of boys. And this prompted the interest of the other girls, who inquired into why this was to pass.

Now, being a good-natured soul, she told all and taught her technique to other girls who were interested; and they too became adept. And they all joined Girls Who Won't.

Now, it came to pass that the community experienced an astonishing improvement in their teens. Teen pregnancy went down to zero. Drinking and drugs were down. The accident rate lowered considerably. And couples returned from dates at nine o'clock and turned to their homework. This was all credited to Girls Who Won't.

The dermatologist noticed a surprising decline in the number of patients that he treated for acne.

The adults of the community breathed a collective sigh of relief. Until next August, when only half the number of boys went out for football. This was followed by the most disasterous year possible, in which the team went 0-11 and only 35 people were in the stands as they lost their final game, 0-58.

A blue ribbon commission looked into the reasons for the indolence of the boys, and eventually got at the whole truth. Since the self-respect and status of the community rides so strongly on its fortunes in football, they decided to disband Girls Who Won't and send Heather away to college.

Heather, still obsessive-compulsive, got her B.A. in physical education in three years and her Ph.D. in sociology in three more years. She is currently teaching at a prestigious Big Ten institution. And routinely receives high ratings from her students.