Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Gnomes for All Purposes

I'm not sure what it is -- is it a European thing, or is it an acquired taste, or maybe it's a current rage that is just creeping down into the wilds of Middle Tennessee. I don't know; but there they are: these kind of creepy little guys with beards and pointy red hats in the oddest places around homesteads. This is especially true of a type of bed and breakfast establishment, where the owners endeavor to make it unique or distinctive while having it decorated with objets de arte that are very ulikely to be taken home by less ethical guests.

It's the Invasion of the Gnomes! Ahhh! They're now plaguing the Southland! And, gift boutiques all over the place are quite sluttish in their carrying these dubious decorations.

Unfortunately, if you see one gnome, you've seen them all. Maybe they could start making some with a little personality, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian.)

Now there's a thought: How about these? Be sure to give them pointy hats:

1. Bart Simpson. Now there is a back-yard statuette that you can live with for a long time!

2. Paris Hilton. Popular with dads and frat members. It gives an air of insouciance on the lawn of the University President's home.

3. Tony the Tiger. A great American who has done lots to make our breakfasts great.

4. Michael Moore. Suitable in a role as a lawn jockey.

5. Fred Durst. Have the first gnome with tattoos on your block.

6. Elvis. Instantly recognizable for his white jump suit.

7. The BP CEO. A magnet for vandalism.

8. Helen Thomas. Someone really scary.

9. Christina Aguliera. Because she's everywhere.

10. Fred Flintstone. Let us not forget our prehistoric ancestors.

11. Oscar Wilde. One of the first celebrities to walk on the Wilde side.

12. Jacko. Because it's possible now. Just don't make him into a lawn jockey.

13. An Enron executive. Da doo enron Da doo enron.

14. Bill Clinton. As long as it's PG - 13 it's okay for yard display.

15. Goofy. The most unsung and disrespected of the Disney menagerie.

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