Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Panty-Throwing at Musical Concerts

The custom of panty-throwing as a tribute to the virtuosity (or other attributes) of musical performers is said to have begun in 1847 when Elizabeth Janos, a 19th century Hungarian lady, in the throes of passion elicited by the performance of Franz Liszt, threw her panties on the stage while he was performing a rhapsody. Clearly, she was, also rhapsodotic. This deed, although harshly prosecuted by the intolerant Austro-Hungarian government, somehow caught on as other brave ladies followed suite on later dates at other Liszt performances.

Then there was Tom Jones in the 1960's. This Welsh crooner caused many damsels to develop a need to express their admiration for him with their undies. Of course, Mick Jagger and Wayne Newton were also major beneficiaries of this custom, and this became an institution even onto the present day. One can only speculate on the numbers tossed the way of the NKOTB or N-Sync in the Oughts, not to mention the Jonas Brothers.

Clearly the custom has been around long enough for it to be codified in etiquette. After all, the received culture has formed during that time some ideas as to how to do it correctly or incorrectly when offering a panty tribute. Politness counts in this matter.

Let's start with the basics: Under no conditions should said panties be removed during a concert. This is ungenteel and unseemly. And it might upset the tender sensibilities of college males, especially of the Dean persuasion. Also, the careful should ensure that the panties they toss have been properly laundered and ironed beforehand. Never present a pair that is too old, or has faded colors, obviously stressed elastic, or skidmarks. I recommend that the thoughtful debutante enclose a small packet of floral sachet to provide a memorable scent and a short but tender note expressing your deepest and most sincere sentiments to the performer, but refrain from being too graphic. The compleat fan should extensively research beforehand what the singer's favorite color is in selecting which panty to toss on the stage. This further contributes to making the gesture both intimate and personal.

Careful sensitivity should be shown to Christian rock or Christian contemporary performers. By all means, throw them your panties, but confine those so tossed only to those purely white grannie panties. No, bikinis and thongs are too risqué for these songbirds.

Thongs are fine for hip-hop or rap singers. Salsa singers should be given full panties in the colors of Mexico.

It is quite mannerly to give singers your panties, provided you do it in a socially correct manner. I suggest that you will trump others by gift-wrapping your panties in a nice box or gift bag with appropriately contrasting tissue paper.

While I have used the word "panties" in this essay, there is no reason why appreciative guys might not offer a tribute to their favorite female songster by tossing their briefs or boxers on the stage as well.

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