Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Montana's Officially Sanctioned Patriotic Day of Conception

I thought of this back in 2007.

Not Sufficiently burdened with the cares of the office, Governor Schweitzer had a new one presented to him by Montana's Official State Demographer and Hexmaster: the birth rate was alarmingly declining, and this boded ill for the state flow of income in years hence. After all, these cut little babies produced by those randy cowboys and lumberjacks with those Wild West Women eventually devolve into taxpayers.

An additional problem to make this worse is out-migration: young adults going elsewhere. Especially to those twin hell-holes of vice and bad music: Denver and Seattle. However, a reading of the Denver Post posed a happy solution: A Russian province, Ulanovsk, recently came up with declaring September 12th as a Day of Conception; and the worthy comrades are supposed to get (shall we say) better acquainted. This could be done here also!

So, he ordered the State Purveyor of Official Verbiage to write a proclaimation declaring September 15th to be Montana Officially Sanctioned Patriotic Day of Conception! (Hoping that the State would also get lucky.)

Immediately, people got into the spirit of things. The opposing party, fearing a groundswell of partisan support (some people feeling the Earth move), they declared it to be a State Day of Restraint and Cold Showers. T-shirt manufacturers produced one with a happy face on it: "I participated in the Montana Officially Sanctioned Patriotic Conception Day and all I got was this lousy shirt." And, Eastern newspapers wrote editorials tsk-tsking Montana for making such a commotion. Yes, the NY Times had a voyeuristic field day unsurpassed since the original Paris Hilton video. But, in the west, the newspapers of Idaho openly expressed anxiety regarding possible aggressiveness in the future by a resurgent Montana filled with libidinous survivalists (in effect, going along with the Eastern stereotype of the Northwest.

1 comment:

  1. I like the idea, theoretically. I wonder if we could have one in NC?