Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Dislike of proximate neighboring states is as American as apple pie, usually accompanied by hurtful slogans as "Thank God for West Virginia." In Tennessee our favorite neighboring state to ridicule was Kentucky, despite the proximity of such low-rent venues as Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas. Thus, when UK beat UT this year for the first time in 26 years this year, it really stung!

The disliked neighboring state for many Montanans seems to be Idaho.

Actually, the state name sounds like the speaker is proclaiming her membership in the Oldest Profession: "I de ho!"

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Barney Frank's Nipples

Recently Slate magazine published an article entitled, "Why do nipples harden in the cold?" And from all the possible nipple-bearing candidates, they chose Representative Barney Frank. He might consider wearing a bra.

Is there a Zen lesson in here somewhere?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Funny Montana Place Names

- Big Arm
- Butte
- Checkboard
- Divide
- Garryowen
- Happy's Inn
- Hungry Horse
- Joe
- Lame Deer
- Lolo
- Offer
- Old Weiss And French Place - (Couldn't they make up their minds?)
- Opportunity
- Peyote Point
- Pony
- Prison Farm
- Square Butt
- Two Dot
- Yaak

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Three Priests Interview God

A priest from San Francisco, another one from New York, and a third one from Chicago together had an interview with God, and each was allowed one question.

The priest from San Francisco asked, "God, there are times when nature is cruel. Will there ever come a time in which there are no more earthquakes in my city?"

God replied, "There will be, but not in your lifetime."

Then the priest from New York asked, "God, we are beset with a high crime rate. Will there ever be a time when New York will be rid of crime?"

God replied, "There will be, but not in your lifetime."

Finally, the priest from Chicago asked, "God, will there ever be a time in which the Cubs win the World series?"

God replied, "There will be, but not in MY lifetime!"

Friday, December 9, 2011

There IS a Hannah, MT!

It's located about 34.5 miles east of Butte! It's population, according to the Rand-McNally Map, is 13 people.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Serious Alabama Fan

Alabamians has never gotten the concept of clothes properly fitting very well, and probably will not get much from her fashion-challenged boyfriends. This poor lass needs a larger top, and a nicer visor. Any maybe more fortunate people could buy her a cute bra. And get her to ditch her navel jewelry.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

How Can You Tell When Your Neighborhood Has Gone Bad

A friend is currently living next to a 'transitional' neighborhood in the Ville of Knox. That's the standard euphemism for 'seedy.' You can always tell when the neighborhood is going in that direction by looking for a few tell-tail signs:

1) The public buildings look like candidates for urban renewal.
2) The bail bondsmen advertise weekend specials.
3) The drug addicts go to shop in pairs for safety reasons.
4) Beer can pyramids in front of houses.
5) You can find old-style moonshiners.
6) You can hear the interstate highway noise. No, oops! All this means is that you're in Knoxville.
7) The orange spirit flags are a faded orange, turning brown.
8) Hallucinating policemen.
9) People think that The Dead Clowns' song 'Bad Moon Rising' is about a fat person flashing his behind off a balcony.
10) The panhandlers are licensed to panhandle.
11) The grocery store sells 15 different types of snuff.
12) Every block has a car with at least one rim on a concrete block.
13) You don't snicker when you see Gay Street.
14) You search in vain for a Starbucks'.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shoals Barbie

The Quad Cities in Northwestern Alabama and the immediately surrounding area is known as The Shoals, a Chamber of Commerce-generated name. Anyway, some unknown acerbic commentator satirized the social differences in this microcosm in terms of types of Barbie dolls. I reprinted it because I thought it was witty and trenchant:

Florence Barbie
This princess Barbie is only available at English Village. She comes with optional Volvo sedan or luxury SUV and lives in a waterfront dream house. Available with or without facelift and tummy tuck and comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and sorority T-shirts. Florence Ken comes with optional Clark's Wallabees and an assortment of The North Face fleeces/jackets. He is available at Alabama Outdoors.

Sheffield Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Central Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, three cans of hairspray, 48-color eye shadow and eye liner kit and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Tuscumbia Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Cold Water Books.

Muscle Shoals Barbie
This gossip-queen Barbie comes glued to the front seat of her Ford Expedition with your choice of two children that comes with his or her own personalized baseball, soccer ball or softball sticker for the back windshield. Muscle Shoals Barbie is only sold as a two-pack with Ballpark Midge so that they can discuss how much better they are than Tuscumbia Barbie. Ken comes with his own coaching uniform because it's the only way he can see the kids. He's too busy working so he can afford to move Muscle Shoals Barbie to Florence like she told him to. Available at Target.

Russellville Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Russellville Barbie or Ken. Available only at Dollar General.

Central Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Northwest-Shoals Community College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Wal-mart.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Romeo and Juliet and Football

Kelsi Reich, a member of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, currently dating Buffalo Bills’ WR David Nelson. This is so nice.

In the Dallas - Buffalo game played in Dallas last weekend, Nelson scored a TD on a long run during the second quarter. He did something a little showboaty, I guess; he did a victory lap.

After taking a victory lap around the Cowboys Stadium field, he gave the ball to his girlfriend Kelsi. A totally sweet, heartwarming moment, yes? Hum, a must admit a little tear came to my eye.

No. In a column in Yardbarker, people commented that "she should be fired immediately!"

Some unsympathetic writer found her Twitter biography, and commented that "she’s quite possibly the most Jesusy or Christy cheerleader in history." Due to her quoting Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart & lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him & He will direct your paths." Apparently, the writer was from some other part of the country, and did not understand how commonplace pious references in the South and Texas.

The writer then speculated about cheerleader stereotypes and commented, "It makes you think about how the biblical types don’t often get to know a lot of men in a biblical manner in the bedroom.

Therefore, what’s the point of having a Lamborghini, if you can’t drive it?"

What an amazingly vulgar comment. He managed to throw mud on a sweet moment and introduce speculation on the couple's physical relationship. In that case, he went over the top! He screwed up. Bad Kitty!

This collective take on what should be seen as a bright, shiny, sweet moment in this dark night of the football soul saddens me greatly. And bringing up those tacky locker room stereotypes about cheerleaders does not help, either (as an ex-cheerleader, they HURT!!!!). As a matter of fact, I think that Christians have a reason to object, too.

That is all.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Questions to Think About

If nothing sticks to teflon, what makes the teflon stick to the pan?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Is it wrong for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?

If people from Poland are called "Poles" are people from Holland called "Holes?"

Can you cry under water?

Is there an abbreviation for the word abbreviation?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it is called cargo?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

When sign makers go on strike, what do their signs say?

Is it okay to shoot tourists during tourist season?

Why can't we tickle ourselves?

Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have five syllables?

Why do they call a building a building when it is alread built?

If seven-elevens are always open, why do they have locks on their doors?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If honesty is the best policy, then is dishonesty the second best policy?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Pasties is a wonderful word. It is used to refer to a meat pie in Michigan or Montana; but a nipple cover in Tennessee.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Name 'Idaho' Was a Hoax

The name of the state of Idaho was originally a hoax.

Idaho was name made up by a mining lobbyist George M. Willing originally for Colorado Territory. He told Congress that "Idaho" was a Shoshone Indian word that meant "Gem of the Mountains." By the end of 1860, Congress was set to name the Pike's Peak region Idaho. However, just as the name was almost adopted, they found out that Idaho was not a real Indian name, but only made up by Mr. Willing, perhaps as a joke, or for local boosterism. Because of this, Congress designated the territory Colorado instead of Idaho.

However, the word Idaho had come into common usage. One of the mining towns in Colorado Territory was even named Idaho Springs, and a steamboat was named "Idaho.". Later on, when miners found gold in the present state area, it became known as Idaho!

Idaho is still referred to as the "Gem State."

It is entirely apocrophyal that the state was named after the remarks made by the first prostitute visiting that august state: "I de ho'!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Tennessee's Law Regarding Proud Bitches

Section 44-8-411 No liability for killing proud bitch at large.

Any person crippling, killing, or in any way destroying a proud bitch that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.

While I think it's supposed to apply to dogs in heat, I make it a point to act humble, just in case. They play hardball in my native Tennessee.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

'Fuck Me' Shoes

'Fuck Me' shoes are stiletto-heeled, brightly colored shoes in bright colors that is intended to gain a viewer's attention. Supposedly they send a signal to guys, "I'm available, and am interested in having sex."

The decision as to the appropriateness of 'Fuck Me' shoes raises some concerns on the moral, etiquette, legal, and fashion dimensions.

Morally, do 'Fuck Me' shoes proper footwear for a Christian young lady; or is it an overt occasion of tempting someone else to sin? Furthermore, is it proper to wear such footwear in the privacy of your home in front of your husband? Holy Roller women don't want to give their menfolk ideas.

In terms of etiquette, on what occasions is it appropriate to wear this form of footwear? Are they proper for visits to the White House, now that the Clinton Presidency is over? What about church on Sunday? What about City Council meetings? Sometimes it might not be seemly to proclaim your sexual availability.

Legally, some issues have arisen. For example, certain municipalities and counties regard their wearing as de facto evidence of solicitation for prostitution, and requirer wearers to obtain business licenses as sexual services providers. Already seventeen Tennessee counties prohibit their wearing 'Fuck Me' shoes. Certainly, this seems overkill at present; but hard-shell Baptists do have a low threshold for perceiving naughtiness.

As a fashion concern, if someone wears 'Fuck Me' shoes, what is the proper lingerie to wear with them, and what forms of color coordination are necessary? Intuitively, it does not seem a good fit to wear boy shorts or granny panties while wearing 'Fuck Me' shoes; but may bikini panties suffice or should the wearer stick to thongs or go au naturel?

Do 'Fuck Me' shoes really have that effect on guys' perceptions? Perhaps guys can fill us in on this. Also, if in the Hegelian scheme 'Fuck Me' shoes are the thesis, might someone come out with 'Not Tonight, Honey' shoes as the antithesis? We might be seeing the origins of a philosophical basis for 'Fuck Me' shoes.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Overcoming the ABC Sex Pattern

In many couples, the extent of coupling may devolve into the dreaded ABC sex: they engage in lovemaking only on anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas. Often there's no significant problem in their relationship; it's the doldrums of a bad habit they fall into. Very symptomic of that habit is the absence of lovemaking on the day dedicated to love: Valentine's Day, which becomes for them a roses and/or chocolate occasion.

How can this be oversome? With a little imagination and planning. Now Heidi, the Montanan Love Goddess, will suggest some possibilities:

1. Ground Hog Day Sex -- What better excuse for a little roll in the hay besides honoring the upcoming end of winter and our furry friend. Spend this occasion with a little snuggling foreplay while watching the movie 'Groundhog Day' and play 'I Got You Babe' while in bed together. Of course, following the story line of 'Groundhog Day,' this calls for an encore. Or two. Or three. Forget about work the next day; both of you are sleeping in!

2. Republican Sex -- Set one day aside per year and do it in an approved Republican fashion. Missionary position only. Both wearing night shirts. Hopefully, the right one of you will assume the biblically-arrroved wide stance and feel dirty afterwards.

3. Democratic Sex -- Likewise, one special day per year. Do it doggie-style, and wear a yellow nightgown. [Lest this causes Santa Monica limousine liberals to get their knickers in a knot, think Yellow Dog Democrat.]
Anyone for bipartisanship?

4. Dirty Dancing Sex -- Agree to watch 'Dirty Dancing' together; then engage in sex afterwards. 'Dirty Dancing' is a known aphrodisiac for many women; and by requiring guys to watch it first, this amounts to pity sex for them.

5. Super Bowl Sex -- Make this his special day! Fix the right Superbowl snacks and lay in his preferred beer. All week is devoted to the pregame shows, and then THE GAME! This gets most guys in the spirit of things. As soon as the game is over,ou don a cheerleader costume, but go commando, and give a rousing cheer:

6. Kim Kardashian's` Birthday Sex -- Let looking at "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" get him in the mood.

7. Arbor Day Sex -- Whenever the Hell this is, it's a good day for lovemaking. Planting the tree is optional

8. Valentine's Day -- Make this an occasion to indulge each others' fantasies! Shop and find clothing for him (or her) that turns you on! Do you secretly desire him to dress as a bunny? Fancy a sexy stockbroker? How about a dirty Catholic school girl? Make it mutually fun and a day to remember!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sex and Fishing in Montana

They might be apocryphal, but supposedly Montana has three strange laws.

1. The missionary style is the only position allowed between a man and a woman.

2. In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
3. It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Damn! Maybe the legislators need to do something about the first one. After all, many women particularly like cowgirl-style, and they vote! Can you imagine the campaign we could wage and use this bumper sticker:

Montana Fillies Do It Cowgirl-Style

As for the second one: I like to fish, but I'm unmarried। Should I ask guys out on a fishing date, or is that too forward? Maybe my legislator could take me fishing। I promise that I will bait my own hooks.

As for the sheep in trucks: maybe it should be sufficient for the sheep to be consenting।

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Fixing Some Flats

I'm perfectly candid about this: I got breast implants as a graduation present, and I don't feel a need to be secretive about it.

Picture this: I'm near graduation, and still wearing what amounts to a training bra. Or, most often, not. Band-Aids strategically placed were enough. However, one day Momma noticed what I was doing when I was wearing a tee that was more transparent than I realized. She scolded me for my tackiness, but after a tearful, mutually oncomfortable moment, she saw my dilemma, and started things in motion.

There were the various tests. Was I simply slow in maturing, or was that it? We saw various doctors in Nashville, before one explained this option I ultimately took.

We explained the matter to Dad, since it would run $7000. Not a small amount for a graduation present, not to mention my and Momma's commitment.

The discomfort was bearable. They results were great!

I graduated AA and with high honors; I started university as a freshman with boobs requiring full-fledged B cups. In a way, the whole experience released my from a lot of inhibitions. (No, I didn't completely flaunt my breasts!)

I like my store-bought ta-tas. I affectionately refer to them as "my Alps!" They did boost my confidence, however silly it may seem to others. I'm not suggesting it as a universal self-esteem fix; but sometimes the simpler road is the one to take. I'll just be happy, and leave others to whatever opinions that may entertain.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Top Engineering Expressions and Terms

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)

We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sex Toy Ban in Alabama

I see that the U.S. Supremes refused to take up the plea by Sherri Williams, proprietress of Pleasures, a business located in Huntsville and Decatur, Alabama, to declare unconstututional an Alabama law prohibiting 'sex toys.'

Ahh, I'm pleased to know that our noble Justices are either well-satisfied, or have very limited desires. However, think about those poor Alabamians out there who are starving for pleasure! Who is meeting their needs? We definitely should not look to either political party, or the clowns that represent us in Montgomery, to do the job. And, for God's sake, not the preachers or sports-talk announcers, either!

Will this ban on sex toys result in a motely collection of Tennessee and Georgia state-line tawdry businesses that cater to Alabamians wishing to walk on the wild side and smuggle those sexual appliances, vibrators, ben-wa balls, massage oils, and other occasions of sin back to where We Used to Defend Our Rights? Will the people of Tennessee be easily able to identify Alabama women by their dark sunglasses and furtive behavior around their local sex shoppes? Will Mississippi become a place for Alabamians to slip from the confines of the Straight and Narrow?

My friends, I think this is intolerable, and also silly! After all, do we not have a problem with too many unmarried ladies having babies with third-class males? Do we not have a considerable level of marital tension due to husbands failing to console their wives during football season? And what about the ugly girls? What are they to do? Pray tell, take the long view on this, will you? After all, chick flicks and chocolate are not enough.

Why are we so dead set against people having FUN around here? With a vibrator, a woman can be satisfied, and have no wet spot to clean up afterwards. Why can't a girl with a cute tush proudly display it at Gulf Shores? Okay, the string bikini is okay now, but let's step up to the next level. Let's go Thong City.

And why does Alabama have the brain drain that it does? Isn't the fact that our best and brightest going to such pathetic places as Atlanta and Knoxville and Charlotte telling us something? Clearly we're not meeting the needs of our young people.

Geesh, it's a pretty pass when we can't even be as cool as Charleston, South Carolina or Nashville, Tennessee. Let's be honest: Alabama equals dull and prejudiced, in the eyes of many. And we need to reverse that real soon.

We need to stop hating, and stop our busybodyness, and stop being satisfied with bad food, and stop electing morons to public office. We need to get on the stick, and start realizing our true potential.

Yes, visionaries like David Bronner are offering us lofty goals, but we need to broaden our vistas of the Alabama That Should Be!

We need to become a more permissive, dynamic place. Hell, a fun and cool place to live!

For a start, let Governor Riley declare the last weekend of the month to be Alabama Orgasm Weekend, and assign all Alabamians, whatever their sex, race, sexual preference, or species to seek the Big O as a state duty so that we can declare to an unprepared world, "We are Alabama! We are fun! We are into business!"

And our legislature to stand up, wave their Playboys in unison, and repeal the notorious Alabama sex toy law.

[This was written and first published by Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head in October 2007 in Losers. Thanks and a War Eagle, Elvis, for giving me permission to republish it.]

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Part-Time College Instructors and Teaching Assistants

Colleges and universities have three classes of teachers in their hire: the professors (of varying ranks), the adjuncts or part-time instructors, and the teaching assistants. They essentially inhabit three different worlds. The professors receive a professional-level salary (varying by rank, experience, location, and type of institution. They additionally have the normal suite of fringe benefits, including the important health insurance. Professors have their own offices, are given computers and telephones by the university, and have their own campus snail mail box. Most are awarded tenure after a probationary period, which is usually prefunctory.

Part-time instructors typically are paid by the class, and at a
fraction per class of what the full-time faculty receives. They receive no benfits, being only of part-time status. Because of this, many have to hold down part-time positions at two or more different institutions, or work part-time at some other job. Imagine running into your English instructor working in a convenience store or delivering your pizza. It can happen.

Teaching Assistants are the true proletariat of the academic world. They teach classes or lab sections with small compensation, have long hours, very little discretion in how they conduct classes, and often times are called on to do additional duties. Fri
nge benefits? No way. T

The different classes of college teachers live different life styles. Professors are more bourgeois, especially those with higher academic rank. Some may even be soccer moms and dads. Their beverage of choice is a nice single-malt scotch or cognac. They vacation in the mountains or rent a condo on the coast for a week.
Part-timers drink inexpensive plonk or a nice beer; and are content with a weekend in Gatlinburg. TAs drink on-sale beer, and do spring break if someone foots their bill or kicks in for gas.

Of course, it's not all one-sided. A junior professor or part-time instructor does not further her career by being named Miss Spring Break Bikini. A grad student can probably pull it off (the act; maybe not the bikini, itself!), and be regarded as a free spirit in her department!
And graduate students notoriously do not have to mow lawns, except as a part-time job or if some professor decides that lawn mowing is "part of graduate training."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Satirical Mints in Tennessee and Views of Free Speech

From a distance, Tennessee still has the capacity to amaze me with petty silliness. The latest installment comes from the Ville of Knox, where a Tennessee legislator, having nothing better to do, investigated the sale of satirical mints at the University of Tennessee bookstore. Rep. Joe Armstrong, a Democrat, visited the bookstore, bought a tin of mints, and told the director he found the satirical mints poking fun at President Obama to be offensive. The director, willing to please a legislator, promptly pulled the candies.

Well, the satire was a bit heavy-handed. It incorporated on the mints tin can the iconic red-and-blue campaign poster image of the president with the words: "This is change? Disappointmints." Not great satire. I have not tried the mints.

Curiously, the same company also produces mints in cans lampooning George W. Bush and Sarah Palin.

The legislator also asserted that, since the mint tins were not educational materials, there was no breech of the First Amendment. He definitely has a strict view of what constitutes "free speech."

The Knoxville newspaper did not mention if he purchased a book as well as mints.

As a further development, Unemployed Philosophers Guild, the purveyors of the mints, has come out with a new kind of mint: Joe Armstrong's Strong Arm Censored Mints. The company was self-described as "left-leaning."

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tennessee's Law Regarding Public Indecency

Public Indecency 39-13-511

The specific passage in the total code reads as follows:

(A) "Nudity" or "state of nudity" means the showing of the bare human male or female genitals or pubic area with less than a fully ue covering, the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of the areola, or the showing of the covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state. "Nudity" or "state of nudity" does not include a mother in the act of nursing the mother's baby; and

Does this mean it being hard? Also, if he got that way due to dancing too, too, too close, or if you've engaged in heavy making out (petting), then can you can be charged with being an accessory?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Kentucky's Dueling Oath

Kentucky actually has an oath that all office-holders must swear in that Commonwealth. Even judges and presidents of Kentucky universities.

Typically, a judge and honoree stand facing each other, right hands raised. The judge recites the oath of office which includes this reference: "I, being a citizen of this State, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God."

I think it's kind of cool. It probably encourages proper decorum, too. After all, judges, politicians, and university presidents are not reknown for their truthiness or sincerity.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Cocke County, Tennessee

If there's a part of Tennessee known for its relaxation regarding state and federal laws, it has to be Cocke County. It was known for a long time as primo moonshine country; now some enterprising locals have found other ways to diversify.

In 2005, multiple state and federal agencies broke up a cockfighting ring there.

There's an irony: Cockfighting in Cocke County!

Is there a Tease County somewhere?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Christian Tramp Stamps

The recent Christianization of pop culture has spread to various forms: Christian music, Christian heavy metal music, Christian-themed amusement parks, Christian literature (such as the Left Behind series), Christian resorts, and even Christian television.

Many of us young committed Christians are pleased with this development, as it allows us to have our spiritual cake and eat it too -- that is, continue to be Christians while partaking of popular culture. The old-timers, however, suffer from ambivalence; not fully trusting the goodness and sincerity of youth. After all, they point out: the word "sincerity" has "sin" in it.

Recently, this has spread to another, surprising area: tattooing. Specifically, the Cross and the Rock of Ages themes have become more prevalent, as some Christians wish to proclaim their faith through body ink. just as their secular-minded neighbors have chosen other motifs.

Even the oft-scorned "tramp stamp" has been put into play. This type of tattoo, often identified with girls or women of loose morals, has become increasingly chosen as an alternative expression by Godly Christian women who find it a good way to make a Religious Statement. Crosses, Holy Bibles, scriptural verses, and the acronym WWJD have become increasingly chosen as a form of lower back art.

Obviously, the wearer must be moderate in her choice of swimwear, not erring by choosing too-brief bikinis (but the 1960's style swimsuits are acceptable) or jeans that ride too low. Please don't make any cracks here!

We have to applaud this striking development in the general improvement of young people.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


The recurrence of this combination of numbers in Montana is fascinating. Supposedly, it started in the days of the Montana Vigilantes to give the unlawful element (called "road agents" in the parlance of the time) a clear warning to leave town or face the consequences. So what is the meaning of this egnimatic group of numbers? The most widely accepted view is that the numbers represent the dimensions of a grave: 3 feet wide, 7 feet deep, and 77 inches (6 feet 5 inches) long. Alternatively, the “road agent” was given a specified amount of time (3 hours, 7 minutes, 77 seconds) to leave town. Otherwise he would be a grave man. It may, however, be something of Masonic significance.

My theory is just that grown men managed to include some horsing around in what was definitely serious business. Guys love secrets; especially weird ones. This is what adds to membership in the Masons and other organizations with rituals. The Ku Klux Klan did pretty much the same. They did malevolent and illegal things, but managed to have a little dress-up fun and quaint rituals in the process.

After all, how many people know the actual dimensions of a grave? And did watches in the 1860's or 1870's have second hands?

By the way, the Montana State Troopers have the 3-7-77 on their shoulder patches, to indicate that they are serious!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Victor's Secret: A Response to States' Obesity Problems

During the past 20 years there has been a dramatic increase in obesity in the United States. In 2009, only Colorado and the District of Columbia had a prevalence of obesity less than 20%. These are the states with the highest obesity percentages: Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kentucky, Arkansas, South Carolina, Michigan, and North Carolina. Now we can view it as a health issue; or we can view it as a possible marketing opportunity. Bear with me on this.

With male obesity comes moobs, female-like breasts. Now these will, shall we say, need to be supported. Why not a line of male bras to support their extra tissue? But let's sweeten the demand: use colors that guys like, advertise their comfort, and so forth.

And why not get licenses from professional sports teams to have their logos on the male bras? These ought to really sell. Sell them at stores named Victor's Secret, to capitalize on the already-present familiarity of Victoria's Secret.

I can see neighbor of mine from Franklin exercising while wearing his Tennessee Titans sports bra!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The T-Shirt Rebellion

The new dress code annoyed the students at Fulmer High School: it seemed to abridge their rights and curtail their sense of style too much. One aspect of it was particularly noxious: it was the section that, although it allowed the wearing of t-shirts and sweat shirts, limited the content of what was written on them. This seemed to be de facto in violation of the Constitution, which allows free speech.

Obviously, spirit t-shirts were okay; especially those for FHS or UT. And those with innocuous messages would pass muster too. However, no controversial messages, no Rebel flags, no beer or cigarette or drug themes, no messages that might be regarded as obscene, lewd, or antisocial.

The dress code came with teeth: detention for the first offense. and suspension for the second offense. Some students tried mass disobedience; but they were duly punished with detention for their infractions. In all, it seemed that the Principal and other powers that be had buffaloed them; and they settled into a surly silence.

However, six enterprising girls had a solution: devise t-shirts that had messages that would annoy the administrators, but not be in violation of the rules.

Now this was true creativity.

One of them had an astonishing idea that was so off the wall that it invited some titters at first; but then it sank in as a great idea.

That weekend, they got t-shirts printed at the mall, and agreed to wear theirs on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, Willow wore a green t-shirt with 36C on it. Megan wore her violet 34C one. Heidi wore a red 32A tee that looked splendid on her! Deena's green one had 34B on it. Dee Dee's black one was labeled 36C. Finally, Heather's was a 36B yellow one.

What could be done about this? There was gnashing of teeth in the Principal's Office, and titters in the faculty lounge.

In days to come, some other girls donned t-shirts with similar messages.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Does Size Matter?

This amusing picture aside, it may not be as important.

Before you get the idea that I'm going to suggest willy-nilly inspecting the contents of guys' swimsuits (not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon), let me make this observation: Only a certain minimum size is needed; beyond that, it's how it is used.

Let's put it in perspective. Is it more satisfying to do it with a guy whose little soldier is five inches in length, but who lasts for fifteen minutes; or with a guy whose weapon is seven or eight inches, but who fires it in less than a minute? I think most women would know the answer.

In short, it's how it's played. And I mean foreplay. Make it last longer. If you give her multiple orgasms (or even one), you will be a hero. Putting it in is Act III; Acts I and II should not be neglected.

And there's more. In a recent issue of Maxim, they purported to interview 8,000 women. When given these choices, 86% preferred a guy who was not good in bed, but wonderful in all other ways, as opposed to 14% preferring the guy who was great in the sack but otherwise a bastard.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Operation Pumpkin: Dealing with the Runaway Bride

One of the tittillating little details that crept out of the barrage of news of the Royal Wedding is that there actually was a contingency plan in place in the case that Kate were to bolt. It was called "Operation Pumpkin," for some reason. And it was reported in The Register and in Time Magazine.

Here's my take on what could have happened had she actually been a runaway bride:

"Oh my God, Kate's kicked off her heels and she's sprinting out of Westminister Cathedral! Wilson, put Operation Pumpkin in effect!"

Wilson turns to Pippa, the Maid of Honor: "Okay, Pippa, you know the bargain you made. Hop into this spare bride's dress and you marry William. Oh, and think of England tonight."

Wilson subtly holds a stiletto in Pippa's back. She strips out of her maid of honor clothes and dons the bride's dress while standing in the vestibule. The word is sent to the Prince: "You're marrying Pippa, instead!"

"Oh good. She's smoking hot!"

Pippa asked, "Do I get to be a Duchess and do I still get to go to Disney World?"

Pippa and Wilson go down the aisle, with Wilson holding the enormous train.

"Rule Britainnia, Britainnia waives the rules!"

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

If I Were to Give a Graduation Speech

City Council and School Board Members, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Faculty, Parents, and Honored Members of the Class of 2007:

I have no Earthly idea why I was invited to deliver the address this evening: perhaps it is hard to find graduation speakers who will do it gratis, or maybe all others are making preparations for later, when you proposed to "paint the town red." Anyway, I'm constrained to send you off with sound advice, so here it goes.

Be easy on yourself, for nobody else is going to feel like doing that very much. Never pass up an opportunity to sleep, to use the rest room, and above all never, never pass up free food. Read the newspaper, but don't take the editorials very seriously. They're mostly written by J-school grads with bad haircuts. Speaking of haircuts: if your trip to the salon or barber comes out disappointingly, you can always wear a baseball hat backwards for a month.

E-mail your parents now and then. Periodically change your account, and leave spam behind. Don't drink gas station coffee. Pay your fair share of taxes, but not one penny more. Make sure your spare is properly inflated. Learn how to sing, how to dance, and how to skate. Learn a foreign language, and find opportunities to practice speaking it. Foreigners can help you out with some new ways of having a good time.

You're old enough, dammit. If you used up all the toilet paper, than replace the used roll with a new one. If the bulb burns out, replace it.

Go early to things; and have a backup plan. Murphy wasn't kidding: If things can go wrong, they will. Plan an escape route when attending civic meetings.

Be kind to animals.

Having a good heart is expected of you; having a perfect lawn is not. Love people, starting with yourself.

Tommorrow morning, if you feel like I think you're going to feel, take three aspirin, some juice, and two more hours in bed. Don't even try a big breakfast. Live long and prosper. Now, let's go out there and kick some butt for the next fifty years!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Bra Tree

This is a tree at which women in a group individually remove their bras, and leave them permanently hanging on the tree. This is usually part of a ceremony by a sorority or other group, and is almost always attended only by women.

The Chili Dog Sisters, a group I belonged to, would have their annual bra tree ceremony; and it would be followed by a dinner at a Thai restaurant in Murfreesboro.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Seven-Ten Cap

A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.

All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.

"It's a Toyota."

"Okay lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

The clerk asks, "What does it do?"

"I don't know, but its always been there."

By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it.

The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."

The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.

"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"

"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dumb Legislation Back Home

The Tennessee legislature, in fine fashion, has managed to make a trifecta of dumb legislation:

1) It failed to pass an act allowing for the sale of wine in grocery stores. Currently you can get your plonk only in wine and spirits stores. Hell, you can buy wine in a grocery even in Alabama!

2) It failed to increase the penalty for cockfighting from a misdemeanor with a $50 fine to a felony. Someone even referred to it as 'a Tennessee tradition.'

3) They are considering legislation allowing teachers to teach alternatives to evolution in science; namely creation science. Which is not science at all!

Why don't they, while they're at it, allow for an alternative theory to that of sexual reproduction: I call it the Stork Theory.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Endless Umbrella Girls

I don't know why, but they seem to be so cheerful!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Boar Party

Have you heard of a pig party, in which frat guys compete as to who can bring the ugliest date?

A boar party is like that, in a way. A boar party is a party given by some groups of women university students in which each attendee puts down an ante of $20 or so and invites the homeliest guy that she can. After the occasion is over, a vote is taken by all of the girls who had participated, and the winner gets a new vibrator and the remainder of the money.

The Phi Taus had a boar party last Saturday night. Amy won it by taking Cletus.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Origins of the Sooner Nickname

Oklahoma is the Sooner State. Now what caused this nickname to come about?

There's the Official Version. According to this, there were a series of land rushes when Oklahoma Territory was settled. Some people did not play by the rules, but sneaked past the starting line early in order to get the best locations for their land claims.

In short, the state nickname enshrines people who cheat in land rushes.

But there's an Unofficial Version. When the territory was first settled, the settlement camps drew large numbers of prostitutes who had a large clientile. There was one amazing fact that these daring doxies discovered: the settlers were so excited to see them that they had hair trigger problems. Because of this, they could turn over more business per night than they otherwise could! They were able to turn a healthy profit because of this regional peculiarity among the males.

And because they finished so much sooner, the state became known as the Sooner State.

Which version do you prefer?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Erin go bragh!
and braless!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Reynard Wilson was trying to come up with a new concept in theme parks to attract those sparse tourist dollars remaining during the recession times. Let's face it: Disney, Six Flags, Graceland, Beulahland, and others of their ilk are drawing in the dollars. But south Middle Tennessee was one of those blah locales, other than the Jack Danie Distillery at Lynchburg (strangely, in a dry county).

It was in the south; but not particularly Southern. The one attraction in that region was called, embarassingly enough, the Boobie Bungalow: a 'gentlemen's' club just north of the Alabama line.

Mr. Wilson had an inspiration. Most of the travelers on I-65 were Northerners going to the South in search of beaches, good weather, and experiencing the Southernness of the situation.

Now Alabama and Mississippi don't have to try hard to be Southern. Georgia screws it up around Atlanta, but is otherwise a good Southern experience. Louisiana: too exotic, not a consistent Southern theme. And, in Wilson's mind, southern Tennessee was a good locale. Far enough away from Nashville so that people would get restive by then, but a good site for a faux Southern experience.

So he fleshed out the concept. "Let's see: Cute girls in Daisy Dukes, louts running stills that dispense root beer, mountain crafts . . . . "

"Er, Reynard, those are jest hills south of the Duck River."

"Hell, Clyde, some jasper from Michigan ain't going to know diddly-squat the difference."

And so they built it. And it had moonshiners. And car chases. And Tennessee gals almost wearin' shorts (or damned little of them at that), and banjo music . . . .

The Yankee tourists came in droves. They bought stuffed coon dogs and raccoons, t-shirts featuring hillbillies, Confederate flags, grits, Moon Pies, and ate passels of hush puppies and barbecue. And drank RCs, that's for sure. And listened to country music.

And all came away with The True Southern Experience. And talked about how they just barely got out alive before the inbreds shot them!

Did you expect truthiness? Truthiness died sometime back in the 90's.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Rochester, Michigan Swimsuit Inspection Law

In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer

Immediately I wondered if this law in Rochester was enforced, and what were the penalties for noncompliance? Does the police have a swimsuit squad, and do they wear spiffy uniforms? What sorts of swimsuits are legal? Or is it simply a ploy to give underworked police officers something to do?

What a nice place it must be. Do little fat policemen get kitties out of trees, and loiter around Dunkin' Donuts or Krispy Kreme? Apparently, in the absence of serious crimes like murder and meth manufacturing, they can regulate swimwear.

Actually, I see this law as simply a strategy for getting the Rochester Police Department on Cops, rounding up those thong or string bikini-wearers.

And, of course, after they've rounded up their quota of Michigan bikini girls, they could repair to the doughnut shop for some restoration in the form of coffee and doughnuts, as the theme music goes "Bad girls, bad girls, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

When You Don't Want an Encounter

How did she get in that state of dishabille?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Skin the Bunny

There are drinking games and there are drinking games. Most people are familiar with Cardinal Puff, but fewer know of Skin the Bunny. Maybe because it's peculiar to the midwest.

Now when people think of the Cornhole Game when they think of the midwest: the game in which players attempt to toss beanbags trough holes in a board. (Or so they tell outsiders; but some of us know what they really mean!) But skin the bunny is less commonly reported.

Here's how it's played. It's like people trying to catch a greased pig, except that whcih is to be caught is a girl who is slathered with grease and wearing a skimpy bikini top. The contestants who are actually in the chase or all somewhat obese males in different degrees of intoxication. It's even better if the bunny is quite good at dodging the chasers: it provides a barrel full of laughs.

When one finally catches the bunny, he can then skin the bunny; that is, take off her bikini top and allow himself to be caressed by her.

Barbarous! We need to send missionaries to convert these Midwesterners to righteousness!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Topless in St. Martin

One of the pleasures on the trip to Sint Maarten/St. Martin was being able to doff my bikini top to sunbathe and not worry about "accidents." Back home, in order to get an even tan, I unhook the back strap but leave the neck tied. That way, should I forget, the swimsuit hangs loosely but a little modesty is preserved. I undid both but forgot I did more than once . . . .
At St. Martin's you can go all the way!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Witch Hunt

The city fathers and mothers of Salem wanted to have some unique, touristy event that capitalized on its local theme, which was based on it being the place where the famed Salem witch trials in 1692 occurred. There, as you know, 19 witches were hanged and one was pressed to death. (Five more died in prison, making one wonder about what the prison was like.) Unfortunately, there are no more witches in Salem nowadays, if there ever were any. Most people nowadays are doubters. Indeed, Salem is strangely free of alternative thinking: there's not even a head shoppe or a New Age practitioner, just a few homeopaths.

Therefore, the idea of having a Salem Witch Hunt was found to be impractical.

But one creative soul thought of an alternative: how about a Salem Bitch Hunt? Yes, what a great idea. Find the person who is the bitchiest, and give her prizes such as six pairs of bitch shoes and a bottle of Bitch perfume. Obviously, she is likely also to be a high-maintenance bitch; so the winner would get a year's certificate for manicures and to have her own talk radio program.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Tennessee Postmodern Realism School of Art

Myron Crumb is generally regarded as the founder of the Tennessee Post-Modern Realism School in art; this is clearly manifested in his lifelong career of innvoativeness in art. In his early days, while a resident undergoing treatment in West Tennessee Mental Hospital, he was introduced to the art of painting ceramic frogs. This was followed by his naturalistic period after his discharge, in which he painted the iconic 'See Rock City' on barns all over the Southeast. Some of his works are still discerned, if the kudzu is not too thick at that time of year.

His middle period was his most prolific: this was his Elvises on Black Velvet Period. At least sixty-one of these ironic commentaries on popular fame are known to exist, including one under wraps in the Frist Museum and two in the Museum of Modern Art. His middle period was followed by his Clown Period, a favorite with collecters and critics.

Presently, Mr. Crumb is experimenting with the painting of upper female torsos, using primaries that are textured with sawdust. He respectfully requests models to provide a medium of his art.

The Burlington Museum is pleased to offer this one-man retrospective of this outstanding Tennesseean artist. Prints are available in the Museum Shop on the second floor.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Changing Rate of Orgasms in South Dakota

Scientists at the Institute for Sex Research were puzzled at some data regarding a peculiar change in rate of orgasms for South Dakota. During Spring and Summer, South Dakota ranked 17th of the 50 states in frequency of orgasms (just ahead of Arkansas); but the Coyote State's rate dropped to 47th (just ahead of Massachuetts). Some researchers hypothesized that this was due to Seasonal Affective Disorder.

However, a simpler explanation was found to be the real reason. South Dakotans wear mittens in the winter.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A Musical Accompaniment

Sometimes in the world of odd things reality is too strange: more than my unimaginative mind could possibly make up.

Now for most of us the occasion of using a toilet is a dreary chore; something that we're slightly embarassed about and so we are as circumspect as possible. But no more!

Maybe all we really needed was a musical accompaniment for out efforts. Now just think of how more cheery things would be if, when you reached for the t-p, the dispenser would play a nice little tune!

Just look at this site and use your imagination:

Let's see . . . .

For Southern patriots, they can wipe to the tune of "Dixie."

And you just have to direct your feet to the tune of "Singing in the Rain."

Once a year, you can surprise your family members with a fine rendition of "Happy Birthday." No, there won't be any replay of "Sixteen Candles" this year.

Old karaoke hams can sing along to "My Way."

The deluded among us can dream to "Over the Rainbow" and put on their red slippers.

Patriotic airs, such as "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "God Bless America" can be played. Somehow, I shrink at this irreverence.

Plaintive ballards such as "Love Me Tender" and "Yesterday" and "You Are My Sunshine" are for the choosing.

But there is no pleasure more satisfying than to have your roommate come back slightly inebriated, she deciding to use the toilet before going beddy-bye and sleeping it off, and then getting serenaded to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"!