I see that the U.S. Supremes refused to take up the plea by Sherri Williams, proprietress of Pleasures, a business located in Huntsville and Decatur, Alabama, to declare unconstututional an Alabama law prohibiting 'sex toys.'
Ahh, I'm pleased to know that our noble Justices are either well-satisfied, or have very limited desires. However, think about those poor Alabamians out there who are starving for pleasure! Who is meeting their needs? We definitely should not look to either political party, or the clowns that represent us in Montgomery, to do the job. And, for God's sake, not the preachers or sports-talk announcers, either!
Will this ban on sex toys result in a motely collection of Tennessee and Georgia state-line tawdry businesses that cater to Alabamians wishing to walk on the wild side and smuggle those sexual appliances, vibrators, ben-wa balls, massage oils, and other occasions of sin back to where We Used to Defend Our Rights? Will the people of Tennessee be easily able to identify Alabama women by their dark sunglasses and furtive behavior around their local sex shoppes? Will Mississippi become a place for Alabamians to slip from the confines of the Straight and Narrow?
My friends, I think this is intolerable, and also silly! After all, do we not have a problem with too many unmarried ladies having babies with third-class males? Do we not have a considerable level of marital tension due to husbands failing to console their wives during football season? And what about the ugly girls? What are they to do? Pray tell, take the long view on this, will you? After all, chick flicks and chocolate are not enough.
Why are we so dead set against people having FUN around here? With a vibrator, a woman can be satisfied, and have no wet spot to clean up afterwards. Why can't a girl with a cute tush proudly display it at Gulf Shores? Okay, the string bikini is okay now, but let's step up to the next level. Let's go Thong City.
And why does Alabama have the brain drain that it does? Isn't the fact that our best and brightest going to such pathetic places as Atlanta and Knoxville and Charlotte telling us something? Clearly we're not meeting the needs of our young people.
Geesh, it's a pretty pass when we can't even be as cool as Charleston, South Carolina or Nashville, Tennessee. Let's be honest: Alabama equals dull and prejudiced, in the eyes of many. And we need to reverse that real soon.
We need to stop hating, and stop our busybodyness, and stop being satisfied with bad food, and stop electing morons to public office. We need to get on the stick, and start realizing our true potential.
Yes, visionaries like David Bronner are offering us lofty goals, but we need to broaden our vistas of the Alabama That Should Be!
We need to become a more permissive, dynamic place. Hell, a fun and cool place to live!
For a start, let Governor Riley declare the last weekend of the month to be Alabama Orgasm Weekend, and assign all Alabamians, whatever their sex, race, sexual preference, or species to seek the Big O as a state duty so that we can declare to an unprepared world, "We are Alabama! We are fun! We are into business!"
And our legislature to stand up, wave their Playboys in unison, and repeal the notorious Alabama sex toy law.
[This was written and first published by Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head in October 2007 in Losers. Thanks and a War Eagle, Elvis, for giving me permission to republish it.]