Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Pick-Up Lines to Use on Engineering Chicks

The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1.  I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2.  You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3.  Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time
approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4.  My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always

5.  Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6.  Wanna come back to my room?  ...and see my 166Mhz Pentium?

7.  How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

8.  You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

9.  You're sweeter than glucose.

10.  We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

11.  Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you
and me?

12.  Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

13.  Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

14. Isn't your e-mail address

15.  You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

My Second Blogoversary!

Thank you, good friends for following my irregular posts on this blog over the past two years. Banana Oil, eViL pOp TaRt, Elvis, Mike, Bilbo, and others, you've sparkled the commentary to my attempts at humor and random observations.
When I first started blogging, I tried a little spoof that I wrote:

In another forum, I was roundly criticized for my irreverence. But this is my blog, and I'll post it if I want to.   Did Al Gore's sister do that song?
Blogging is a form of self-indulgence. I try, for the sake of my own soul and sense of humor, to keep it real and be a pitiless commenter on my own folly as well as that of others. I'm a product of, basically an urban Southern culture, a mall rat at one time and finding my experiences in Montana to be a hoot and entirely pleasing. It's best to go elsewhere with no preconceived notions, and to go with the flow. In some ways, Middle Tennessee and Montana have a lot in common.

Another Damned City on a Hill: Outlawing Plastic Bags in L.A.

From the L. A. Times:

"Los Angeles became the largest city in the nation Wednesday to approve a ban on plastic bags at supermarket checkout lines, handing a major victory to clean-water advocates who sought to reduce the amount of trash clogging landfills, the region’s waterways and the ocean.

Egged on by actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus and an array of environmental groups, the City Council voted 13 to 1 to phase out plastic bags over the next 12 months at an estimated 7,500 stores. Councilman Bernard Parks cast the lone no vote.
"Let’s get the message to Sacramento that it’s time to go statewide," said Councilman Ed Reyes, who has focused on efforts to revitalize the Los Angeles River.

Council members quietly backed away from a more controversial plan to also ban use of paper grocery bags, which was first proposed by appointees of Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa."

My first thought in reading that was "Hooray!  I'm glad the damned things that don't work very well would be gone."  But then I thought it through further.

There's a motely crew of busybodies out there who are very willing to make laws restricting what others do to further some agenda -- be it moral, social, political, environmental, or so forth. 

How does someone qualify for being El Supremo when it comes to being the rulemaker?  Become an actress?

No, just have a worthy cause.  And some justification.  And pursue it with an "ends justify the means" approach.

Okay, I like a clean, pretty environment too.  And I prefer paper sacks.  Which some L.A. snozzola wants to ban also.  Okay, Sherlock, how am I supposed to carry groceries out to the car?  Okay, one of those environmentally safe cloth bags with a Green symbol on it."

I whacked that dead horse, the Tennessee legislature, for coming up with so many moral bills in the last session.  This is the same kind of thing.  No different.  The same kind of neo-Puritan moral reasoning which goes like this:

"People are too stupid or depraved to make their own moral choices, so let's do it for them."

Of course, something gets sacrificed.  The possibility of people acting virtuously.

Anyway, the same tradition that snuck across the Atlantic nearly four centuries ago that led John Winthrop and fellow Puritans to found that City on a Hill is still going on.  Mayor Villagrosa, let me introduce you to Sen. Stacey Campfield.

And in the case of plastic bags, even neat clothing derived from those materials.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Lance and Kym

Inflatable Lifelike Mail-Order Bishop

Are you having trouble getting the sort of episcopal supervision YOU want?

Does your parish want the freedom of congregational rule without the stigma of COMING OUT as Congregationals or Presbyterians?  Are you tired of bothering with those who disagree with you?

Agape Dolls, Inc. has heard your prayers and solved your problem!  Now you can buy your OWN inflatable bishop, specially installed with download options to YOUR specifications!  This bishop is guaranteed to say NOTHING which can surprise or offend!

NOW you can retain the HERITAGE and DIGNITY of episcopal visitation without worrying about heresy!   The inflatable bishop comes with a sophisticated speaker system (activated by a remote control in YOUR hands!) programmed to pronounce absolution and benediction and words of confirmation and ordination--but only to those of whom YOU approve.

Made of lifelike rubberite, the Port-a-Bishop has special velcro hands which attach to heads of confirmands and ordinands.  Bishop deflates for safe, easy storage.

Two models, to better accessorize your ceremonies:

    (a) Model 1928-AC. THE ANGLO-CATHOLIC, complete with five beautiful removable cape and mitre sets. $300.00
    (b) Model 1928-lowprot. THE EVANGELICAL MODEL; left hand raised in warning, holding lifelike leatherette Bible. $150.00 (Please specify business suit or tweed jacket.)
    Model 1928-AC is endorsed by the Prayer-Book Society.

    PLEASE SPECIFY DIALECT OF YOUR EPISCOPAL VISITOR. Currently available: Oxbridge, Texan, Old South, Artistic Lisp*, and Rwandan
    *Model Discontinued.

    Wednesday, May 16, 2012

    The Tennessee Bikini Team

    Well, good ol' Tennessee tended to go in for the bizarre, even back a few years ago.  There's this garden store in Hartsville that made the news for its naked statues. This appeared in The Tennesseean:

    New Roadside Attraction's a Coverup

    Staff Writer
    HARTSVILLE — Since February, they stood proud along Highway 25, their bottoms bare and chests showing, well, a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

    Then, about three weeks ago, two people, one of them a customer, phoned the G&L Garden Center to say it was way too much and asked the owners to please move them around back.

    But the statues weigh as much as 500 pounds each and are an ordeal to move. So owners Angie Langford and Pam Gregory came up with a different approach to customer service.

    Nearly a dozen concrete statues are sporting crimson velvet two-piece sarongs — as if Santa had a bikini team.

    It's no joke or sarcastic statement.

    ''We didn't want to offend anyone, and we covered them up,'' said Langford, a resident of Hartsville.

    She said she couldn't afford to ignore customers, even if she isn't exactly sure who they are.

    Now, the attempt at maintaining the girls' roadside modesty is stopping traffic. And yes, some customers are peeking.

    ''They are pulling the tops and looking underneath,'' Langford said. ''They wonder what we're hiding.''

    It's hard to find people who are offended in Hartsville.

    Saturday, May 12, 2012

    Bad Reflection on Things

    Supposedly, this was the title picture
    for a swimsuit fashion article.

    Wednesday, May 9, 2012

    Coda on the General Assembly of Tennessee

    Well, the General Assembly of Tennessee has finished its damage for the year.  I would say that they embarassed themselves; but so many of them seemed to be beyond embarassment.  Let's say that they managed to emphasize the "ass" in Assembly. 

    Judging from here, the General Assembly was heavily into pleasing the mossbacks and assorted nuts.  The notion of "gateway sexual activity" seems to be a buzzword back home, or so I'm told.  The legislature also tried legislatively to set how high boys wear pants -- we'll see how this goes.  No cracks, please!  Don't go lowerider in the Volunteer State.  The "Don't Say Gay" bill was withdrawn, but only after making the state sound like Idiotland.

    Then there's the "monkey bill."  It seems that the legislators should have more respect for their cousins. 

    Last month, Republican Gov. Bill Haslam voiced frustration that the Democratic-sponsored saggy pants bill was getting all the attention instead of more substantive measures; however, he oblingingly signed the bill into law.

    The governor finally made his first veto since taking office in 2010.  The measure tried to force Vanderbilt University to exempt student religious groups from its nondiscrimination policy.  Haslam said the state had no role in telling a private institution how to run its organization.  Finally he did something against the nincompoopery.

    Sunday, May 6, 2012

    Tennessee Legslature Bans Christmas Story for Failing tp Promote Abstinence


    Tennessee legislature bans Christmas story for failing to promote abstinence

    Legislation banning parents from reading their children the Christmas story is headed to the governor's desk after approval by the state House of Representatives Friday.  The bill would prevent anyone from reading Bible stories that fail to explicitly promote abstinence.  The bill was drafted by former Sen. David Fowler, who now heads a conservative Christian group called the Family Action Council of Tennessee.  "What's the real message here," asked Fowler of the nativity story.  "It's that abstinence isn't 100 percent effective.  Here's an unwed teenager who didn't have relations and she still got pregnant.  Is this really what we want our children learning in Sunday school?  We've also recommended that churches rip the book of Song of Songs out of their Bibles.  Whoever wrote that book did not have abstinence in mind.  'Your breasts are like two fawns' indeed."

    Saturday, May 5, 2012

    The Great Russian Music Video

    This is Nas Ne Dagoniat, by t.A.T.u.

    Russia, are you not speeding along like a fiery and matchless troika?
                                                                          - Nikolai Gogol

    Thursday, May 3, 2012

    Dancing on Saloon Tables

    Helena, Montana has a law that states that a woman may not dance on a table in a saloon unless she is wearing at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

    My Question is, how do they know?  Is there a unit in the Helena Police Department that visits saloons with scales?

    Is there much of that sort of thing going on lately?  Is it okay when the legislature is not in session?

    Excuse me while I weigh my clothing.  Hmmm.....So much for not wearing a bra.  Should I put on windbreaker and hat as well?

    And, of course, socks.  Maybe also wear running shoes. 

    Odd law.

    Wednesday, May 2, 2012

    Gateway Sexual Activity

    Recently the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill last Friday, drafted by a conservative Christian organization, that makes classroom instructors who promote or condone "gateway sexual activity" subject to a $500 fine.  Whoa!

    This bill, SB3310, got a lot of legislative debate. On the House floor it ranged from joking to impassioned oratory over the phrase "gateway sexual activity" that allowed Stephen Colbert a setup for some television laughs and negative comments from the in-state newspapers.

    What is this "gateway sexual activity" anyway?  Some think that it is so vaguely defined it could be holding hands, hugging, or just about anything that teenagers do, according to Rep. Mike Stewart, D-Nashville.  He suggested that a teacher chaperoning a high school prom who sees a girl sit in a boy's lap or a couple kissing and takes no action would be deemed to have condoned "gateway sexual activity" and subject to discipline and a fine.  In other words, they don't have to be DOING IT!  Just hugging, kissing, or even holding hands. 

    The bill's sponsor, Rep. Jim Gotto, said the new law would not cover such innocuous activity as holding hands but only that which furthers non-abstinent behavior."  Specifically, another person's "intimate parts, or the intentional touching of the clothing covering the immediate area of … any other person's intimate parts, if that intentional touching can be reasonably construed as being for the purpose of sexual arousal or gratification."

    Specifically, these would be "the primary genital area, groin, inner thigh, buttock or breast of a human being."  Apparently, you can still perform these indecent activities on what you buy at KFC.

    Well, I guess that does away with guys copping feels during slow dances, even on the outside of the clothing.  Thank you, Rep. GottoYou must have been a real straight-arrow back in h.s.  Or mighty unlucky.

    Time for Governor Haslam to get off his duff and veto this bit of crap! 


    Good news!  The "Don't Say Gay" bill is apparently dead this term.  Some people had a touch of sanity. Or maybe they didn't want to change the name of Knoxville's main street downtown.

    (The real main street is Kingston Pike.)