Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Premarital Clothes Washing

Dear Rev. Sister Peg,

My boyfriend and I have been keeping company for six months now, and both of us are determined to remain pure, to save ourselves until marriage and afterwards, when the LORD is pleased that we should start a family. We have been following your advice to do small things together, and the question of washing clothes came up. Specifically, should we start doing each other's clothes? Is that too much for a proper Christian relationship?


Dear Confused,

Your question raises an important niceity with regard to morality. Certainly, doing ordinary things together is meritorious, but the sensitive Christian young lady should be careful both to avoid exposing her intended to temptation, and to avoid temptation, herself. Specifically, the matter of underwear is something to be concerned about. Now I'm sure that you always wear only full-sized chaste white underwear; but you should also refrain from your intended by the LORD seeing them until you have been married for an extended time and his fires have been banked.

When you wash his jeans, be sure to use sufficient starch and iron on the crease.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Being Boring Strategically

Being boring? Who, me? We first may exclaim; but there's the sense afterward: maybe. How can we tell? Is there some boroscope we can turn to to give us our momentary B.Q. (Boring Quotient)? No, being boring, like halitosis or having your the top of you bra show, is something that people immediately notice but nobody gives you a kind hint that you can use then and there. Therefore, you have to look for these tell-tale cues, in which people might betray their being bored by you.

Obviously, the thing that most will do with this information is to correct their behavior: change the topic, learn to be more interesting, perhaps more histrionic. Anyway, this is done because being seen as boring is a BAD THING. However, this is not always the case. Back when I was at Franklin High, I got into trouble, and was summoned to the Assistant Principal's office. There the person in question asked what my excuse was. So I answered. And gave a long and involved answer. I managed to skirt the question, talk about fantastic mitigating circumstances, and in general produce a huge quantity of verbiage. I noticed that after a while, he seemed to be listening less well, so I kept on talking and talking but still not getting to the point. He must have thought that I was the world's greatest scatterbrain, despite my grades and activities! The non sequiturs, the anecdotes, the et cetera remarks made it seem that I could never get on topic; but he was a mannerly Tennessee gentleman, I'll give him credit for that! He was not going to be rude and cut me short without allowing me to fully explain myself. Finally, he did. He let me off the hook. No punishment. Nada. Ta-da! You might say that I talked myself out of trouble, not by my adroit use of language or my superlative reasoning, but simply by quantity!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

An Engineering Problem of the 1950s?

A remarkable artist from the 1950s, Art Frahm, had a recurrent motif in his artwork: ladies in distress due to the unexpected loss of their panties while ogling men enjoy their predicament! You can Google this artist's name to see some examples of his style and works; one of these is posted below:

Very clearly, she is dismayed. But her unsympathetic onlookers are not. But what is the reason for this motif? There are several possibilities that I would like to discuss.

1) It is an antifeminist statement. It is intended as a cautionary lesson against intruding into what were male perserves because of the possibility of panty mortification! However, this argument seems invalid in that many of his pictures depict women doing typically female activity such as grocery shopping.

2) It is a mild risqué artistic work; a substitute for the lush 19th century nudes that a pre-Puritan time permitted. After all, porn and irony did not come into being until the 1990s. By putting the heroine in a ridulous situation, it disarms the viewer and causes him to see it as amusing. Furthermore, the typical male did not usually have any experience with prurient garments as granny panties unless they had been married for a substantial amount of time.

3) Ultimately, this is simply an expression of the short life span that the elastic of the time had, a then-developing technology in which Art Frahm revealed its imprefections! To cite as support for this I cite the easy acceptance of blue jeans as feminine garb. Wearing jeans took a lot of the existential worry out of appearing in public!

4) Finally, the type of panties of the 1950s might have been part of the problem. Grannies, because of their weight, result in more downward stress on the elastic. However, by the use of lighter material and briefer panties, the incidence of panty failures diminished dramatically. Therefore, the progression from granny panties to panties, to bikini briefs to thongs represents superior technological developments as well as social more change.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Does Size Matter in Sex?

Having a larger body mass index (BMI), that is.

Sex researchers at Ecriyes University in Turkey did a year-long study documenting the correlation between BMI and male sex performance. In a nutshell, heavier guys last longer. Heavier guys last an average of 7.3 minutes during coitus, while thin guys last only about 108 seconds.

Hopefully, those 7.3 minutes are performed cowgirl-style!

Anyway, maybe thin guys need to ramp up that foreplay, eh?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Conference on the Cheerleader as an Icon in Postmodern Society

The Institute for Liberal Arts Studies is pleased to announce that the Conference for the Cheerleader as an Icon in Postmodern Society will be held in San Diego, California from October 7 to October 10, 2010 at the Coronado Hotel. This promises to be an annual international event to facilitate scholarly inquiry into Cheerleader Studies. At this time, here are some tentative topics on the program, and their presenter(s):

The Deconstruction of Cheerleader Politics in Southern California: A Feminist Perspective -- Olivia Wilcox, San Diego Polytechnic Institute

'Bring It On' and the Representation of Eunuchism in the Male Cheerleaders and the Unsuccessful Football Team -- Philbert Desenex, Southern Tennessee University

The Blonde as a Moral Touchstone in the 'Bring It On' Series -- Faye Raye Day, Nebraska School of Mines

A Deconstructionist Analysis of the Archetypes of Ideal Teen Characters -- Willoughby Percival Thoreston, Oregon Valley College

The Role of the Cheerleader as Vestal Virgin and as Outsider in the 'Bring It On' Series -- Amanda Sue Thomas, Florida School of Surf Studies and Aerobic Dance

Postmodern Views of Team Support in Cheer Studies -- Joan Witherspoon and Clyde Bullard, Pismo Beach School of Surfing

A Structualist Analysis of the Settings in Cheerleader Movies -- Paloma Palmerson, University of Verona Beach

Cheerleader Parentage Gone Wrong: the Cautionary Example from Texas -- Dorita Sue Prufock, University of Texas at Fredericksburg

Tommy Lee Jones as a Cheerleader Coach in 'Man of the House' -- Stereotypical Male or Pathfinder? -- Thelma Crabtree, University of Texas at Port Aransas

Baton-Twirling as an Archetype of Antebellum Matriarchy in Mississippi Semiotics -- Judson Wilson, University of Middle Mississippi

Ironic Images in the Somersaults of Hyperkinetic West Coast Cheerleaders -- Elizabeth Bartlett, West Coach School of Philosophy

Inroads of Cheer Culture in New England: Evidences of Cultural Insemination in Primitives by Mass Media -- Shelby Woodstock and Maud Merritt, Pandemic Institute for Technology

Other papers will be added to this program, as the organizers have a policy of rolling acceptance of new materials. Additional proposals on Cheer Studies are welcomed.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Staging Your Early Background and Childhood for Future Fame

One of the things that differentiates the great masses of us from our betters (at least in terms of fame and/or accomplishments) is the relative haphazardness of our earlier lives. Let's face it: we've now smartened up enough now to realize that possible employers or human relations directors do scrutinize Facebook to look for signs of a non-corporate mentality in what we thought we were sharing solely with our friends. (Not to mention the less discreet bikini poses that we had meant solely to appeal to our b.f.'s de jour.)

And, of course, any drinking or other violations of the laws of God or man might be seen by law enforcement personnel. No, the problem is more than that. Most of us, even if we live our lives Integer vitae, we still have those less-than-sterling residues to come up and bite us in our increasingly padded butts as we reach the heights of fame or fortune. After all, say you're running for the U.S. Senate in Massachuetts (a sign in itself of moral questionability), and it is revealed that your seventh-grade report card has mostly C's and D's. The Dons of Hah-vard will go "tut," and make an unjoyful noise that you are unworthy! Or, let's say that you are the hottest of the hot supermodels, and your tween picture of you with braces comes out? Or what about that dubious dress that you wore to the prom, or that sweet but impossibly outré boy who you went with?

Or even more so, your membership in that kooky cult that wore those silly outfits and acted like Young Republicans off the reservation? We're talking Situation Damage Control here! Doing repair work on the ol' image.

A big source of damaging information is everyday official records, such as school or police reports. Some are supposed to be closed; but persistent journalists or papparazzis can dig up dirt if there's dirt to be found. Unfortunately, the only ultimate solutions are sort of illegal; such as hacking into records of varying types and making them sound better or discreetly bribing your way to civic virginity!

Photographs are easier, provided you also destroy the negatives or memory cards. Keep the ones marking major life events, such as graduations, honor society memberships, or worthy school activities, provided the pictures are flattering. A tip: get some professionally-taken ones; no glam shots and, above all, no boudoir poses! Obviously, destroy all souvenir detention slips.

And bribe your old high school assistant principal to silence. Actually, if he is like most, he is all-too-willing to support your persona: after all, not many of his charges amounted to anything.

Personal possessions should be culled from time to time. Having a single, charming stuffed animal left over from your childhood is desirable; having a cabinet full is -- whoa! -- a little too much disclosure! Clothing should be deliberately culled, lest they seem dowdy, bizarre, or too intrusive. Imagine yourself being famous; and having a museum of your childhood home. And what is on display? A bra that you wore back as a freshman will be studied by all, and your size checked and commented on. And, for God's sake, lose those cute hats! No one looks good in a hat!

On the plus size, purchase a few faux trophies and certificates to indicate your showing early promise. No one will look further into them.

And have a few tantalizing items that are incompletely accounted for to add a touch of mystery. After all, you want them to continue to look, you know. Maybe a baton, or a cheerleader's outfit or a gavel. Or a notebook of poetry. Copy neatly only your best efforts, though. And try to appear both open and modest if enquired.

Look at my advice not as a suggestion to be dishonest, but rather to be strategically revisionist. After all, even newspapers have editors. Why not edit your life to make it more in line with your present accomplishments?