Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Girls Who Won't: A Fable

Heather was a good girl. In fact, she was the most ambitious and virtuous girl in her high school. She became a legend in her own time: she founded and was President of Girls Who Won't.

What was not as commonly known about her was that she was obsessive-compulsive; but also liked to please boys. How to deal with this dilemma? (It was one for her.)

She thought and thought about it. She downloaded pages from the internet. She consulted the right sources, and then it dawned on her. She could be a Technical Virgin (TV), and still maintain her membership in Girls Who Won't.

You might say, she took matters in her own hand.

But, being a classical obsessive-compulsive, she was not content merely to pleasure the lads. She has to perfect her technique. She read books: The Moron's Guide to Tantric Manual Arts, etc. She took a course at the community college. She did correspondence work with a university in Ireland.
She became increasingly adept. And soon popular. She knew how to do it well. And she was elected Homecoming Queen. She always traveled with an entourage of boys. And this prompted the interest of the other girls, who inquired into why this was to pass.

Now, being a good-natured soul, she told all and taught her technique to other girls who were interested; and they too became adept. And they all joined Girls Who Won't.

Now, it came to pass that the community experienced an astonishing improvement in their teens. Teen pregnancy went down to zero. Drinking and drugs were down. The accident rate lowered considerably. And couples returned from dates at nine o'clock and turned to their homework. This was all credited to Girls Who Won't.

The dermatologist noticed a surprising decline in the number of patients that he treated for acne.

The adults of the community breathed a collective sigh of relief. Until next August, when only half the number of boys went out for football. This was followed by the most disasterous year possible, in which the team went 0-11 and only 35 people were in the stands as they lost their final game, 0-58.

A blue ribbon commission looked into the reasons for the indolence of the boys, and eventually got at the whole truth. Since the self-respect and status of the community rides so strongly on its fortunes in football, they decided to disband Girls Who Won't and send Heather away to college.

Heather, still obsessive-compulsive, got her B.A. in physical education in three years and her Ph.D. in sociology in three more years. She is currently teaching at a prestigious Big Ten institution. And routinely receives high ratings from her students.

No comments:

Post a Comment