Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Stalking the Wild Northwestern Male

In my time out in the northwest here, I find that social subtleties are somewhat less refined; and there is a more direct approach to dealing with the age-old dilemma facing women of whatever age they might have: how to get the male of the species interested in you without being too forward about it. [I have heard that in Wyoming women actually set bow snares to trap men; but that might just be an idle rumor, something we're all good at.]

Hair-tossing and too-long stares don't seem to work on these guys who are not really tuned to nuances. (The only exceptions are those who are gay or Californian.) And the charming smile and the softly modulated come-hither voice move these brickheads not. But, fear not: the anscestors of our proto-western males managed to pair off and reproduce, largely due to the resourcefulness of western women who gave up the ways of the dissembling East and became more direct in their approach, themselves. After all, men who say "Yup" may make good mates.

Anyway, here are the techniques that seem to work.

1) The most effective way into a man's heart is through his stomach. And let it be guy food: no souffl├ęs or salads. Ribs and hamburgers work wonders, especially if garnished with Cheetos and chili.

2) Invite hime over to watch a DVD. The prospect of watching Die Hard can serve as a mating ritual in Montana. No you can't have The Bridges of Madison County or American Beauty. Not yours.

3) Unless the Big Game is on. If so, ask to watch with him and his buds. And refrain both from asking too many questions or displaying too much knowledge of the sport as to be intimidating.

4) Discreetly omitting buttoning some buttons of your blouse. One or two for sure; three if you are desperate. Beyond that, concede it all as hopeless. A little boobage is a foolproof attention draw.

5) Lose some surplus dignity, and present yourself as fun, fun, fun. Even if it takes singing karaoke. Yes, Jessica; I'm afraid that's how it works. So you can't sing? The truth is, nobody sounds great in karaoke bars.

6) Learn about the natural history of the type of male you choose. Very clearly, the Cowboy, the Granola, the Eastern Transplant, the Californian Wannabee, the Small Town Businessman, and the Yokel have different things that move them. More fundamentally, choose a type well so as to not be disappointed.

7) Go into settings where they can be found. In gyms, athletic fields, rodeos, fern bars, roadhouses, even art galleries. Don't go into rooms of buildings labeled "Men."

8) Develop a taste for the art of Charles Russell.

9) Politics: lite, unless you're in Idaho. There, right-wing extremism rules! For the left-wing male habitat, check out Seattle.

10) Religion: vague. Referring to the Great Spirit usually gets you out of most thorny theological questions.

11) Fashion: Minimalist (bare), Western, jeans, turquoise jewelry

12) Dialect: American Western

1 comment: