Playing a Country Song Backward

What happens when you play a country song backward?

You get out of jail, your wife comes back to you, and your dog comes back to life.

And you get to drink more beer.

Small Town Police Report

Small town newspaper reporting is sometimes slim pickings. However, the weekly Flathead Beacon in Kalispell (pop. 22,052) has found some ways of filling in with generally entertaining news items. Here are a few samples from different weeks, for your information:

9:12 a.m. A dog bit their owner on Peaceful Lane in Lakeside.

11:05 p.m. A man was standing on a roof in Columbia Falls with binoculars. The reporting party was convinced he was up to no good.

1:59 p.m. A Columbia Falls man called 911 because there was an old purple Escort driving around his neighborhood that “doesn’t belong here.”

4:12 p.m. A recently released inmate from the Flathead County jail inquired how they could get their guinea pig back.

8:46 a.m. A Bigfork woman pocket dialed 911. She blamed her dog.

9:31 p.m. Another Kalispell man complained about the youths and their “crotch rockets.”

11:27 p.m. Two people sustained minor injuries during a fight over the 1989 Walt Disney Pictures classic “The Little Mermaid.”


https://flatheadbeacon.com/2018/07/03/little-mermaid-drama/

You can access other week's police reports by using the choices at the bottom of the page.

Why Live to be a Hundred?

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

No Tech Support

That's Ominous

Equally applicable for both dietary overindulgence and pregnancy.

How Long Is Enough?

Specifically, how long should it be for it to be a good roll in the hay?

If the discussion only involves the time of total penis insertion, the average runs about 5.4 minutes. Okay, that's 324 seconds just when it's in the honey pot. 

too short   1-2 minutes
adequate   3-7 minutes
desirable   7-13 minutes
too long     10-30 minutes

But these times refer specifically to how long the penis is actually engaged in place.   Do be a real dear: do sufficient preparatory work. Like 20 minutes' worth might be a good idea.

Once a guy took 35 minutes inside me. That was the only time. I was sore as can be, and exhausted. Damned heavy-handed tree-hugger!

An Idiotic Bit of Legislation

Here is an example of foolishness that doesn't come from Congress.  

Currently, there is a bill before the South Dakota legislature that makes it a Class 1 misdemeanor to alter in any way the South Dakota state seal. Presumably, this would be to print it without the motto "Under God the People Rule" in the banner.

Surely this is notoriously against the First Amendment?

Here's the South Dakota state seal. What do you think?