Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Naming the Church Parking Lots

It was a long evening for this particular committee of the Highland Park Baptist Church to do its business. The members were tired from their toils in the World of Mammon, and they were assigned to this extraordinary committee for the Baptist megachurch in the suburbs of their large metropolis. After being suitably motivated by the sermon by Brother Warren entitled "Many Ministries in the House of the Lord," they were edified and took their charge seriously. Brother Warren had noted the pedestrianism and lack of religious message in what the parking lots were designated; somehow, you just didn't get much of a religious message from Parking Lot H! Therefore, he got several old-time members, both men and women (Brother Warren wasn't sexist!), to serve on the Highland Park Baptist Church Parking Lot Nomenclature Committee.

The meeting brought forth many ideas: naming the lots after Graces, after Books of the Bible, after Biblical places, and so forth. However, the Spirit did not jell; no one was really inspired. Finally Brother Bob suggested that the parking lots be named after minor characters in the Bible: by doing that people might be motivated to see out in the Good Book the relevant passage for the person from whom their parking area was named. However, Bob, Bless His Heart, was more of a fan of Tom Clancy than his Biblical readings. And so were the others. But they had a way: thumb through the Bible, and draw on Divine Guidance.

Sister Sue seconded the motion, and transcribed all of the names agreed upon by the committee as they were selected. She told the Preacher about what they decided, and he endorsed it without reading it.

A few weeks later the signs were up. Habitual parkers in what was formerly Parking Lot E were startled to find that their parking lot was now named Jezebel Parking Lot; and Parking Lot H was now named Zipporah Parking Lot! Parking Lot J was renamed the Herod parking lot. Of course, it was a long time before the congregation was completely aware that something was remiss; after all, theirs was a megachurch and no one knows what was going on, by definition. Certainly not those in the Ruth, Moses, Asher, Jacob, Solomon, and Abraham Parking Lots .


  1. Very funny. I love your bandstand story too!

  2. A great story! I wouldn't mind parking in the Onan parking lot just to see peoples' stares!