A Salute to Dry-Humping!

How about a rap song about dry-humping? The pause that refreshes with no stains on my panties or a bun in the oven:

Dry-humping is the official sport of Montana. Especially during the winter,

Overused States or Cities

I suppose that the United States could have been an experiment in which fifty different entities engaged in their individual visions as to what constitutes the ideal government, within the judicious confines of the Constitution, of course.  Unfortunately, this didn't happen: some states seem to have more impact on the collective vision than others.  

And I know full well that it would have been totally unlikely that Tennessee or Montana would be among those.  At least Illinois or New Jersey didn't make it either, thank God!

Unfortunately, the three that seem most influential from my perspective are New York, California, and Massachusetts.  It's understandable when those three places disproportionately influence the media, weigh heavily in Congress, is where the money is, and carry a mystique about them.  So does Seattle, which I'm visiting.  Going from Elliot Bay to downtown is steep uphill.  They have fine art, and interesting food.  But no detective shows and only one hospital show is set there.

Did anyone ever perform a song, "Wisconsin Girls"?  Did anyone leave his heart in Omaha?  Did anyone sing that if you could make it in Dallas you could make it anywhere?  But no one, absolutely no one, was called a Tennhole.  At least that's something.  Let's have some variety for a change: set a detective show in glorious Tallahassee or a sitcom in Little Rock. Now that would be something to see!

Staging Your Early Background and Childhood for Future Fame

One of the things that differentiates the great masses of us from our betters (at least in terms of fame and/or accomplishments) is the relative haphazardness of our earlier lives. Let's face it: we've now smartened up enough now to realize that possible employers or human relations directors do scrutinize Facebook to look for signs of a non-corporate mentality in what we thought we were sharing solely with our friends. (Not to mention the less discreet bikini poses that we had meant solely to appeal to our b.f.'s dejour.) 

And, of course, any drinking or other violations of the laws of God or man might be seen by law enforcement personnel. No, the problem is more than that. Most of us, even if we live our livesInteger vitae, we still have those less-than-sterling residues to come up and bite us in our increasingly padded butts as we reach the heights of fame or fortune. After all, say you're running for the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts (a sign in itself of moral questionability), and it is revealed that your seventh-grade report card has mostly C's and D's. The Dons of Hah-vard will go "tut," and make an unjoyful noise that you are unworthy! Or, let's say that you are the hottest of the hot supermodels, and your tween picture of you with braces comes out? Or what about that dubious dress that you wore to the prom, or that sweet but impossibly outréboy who you went with? 

Or even more so, your membership in that kooky cult that wore those silly outfits and acted like Young Republicans off the reservation? We're talking Situation Damage Control here! Doing repair work on the ol' image. 

A big source of damaging information is everyday official records, such as school or police reports. Some are supposed to be closed; but persistent journalists or papparazzis can dig up dirt if there's dirt to be found. Unfortunately, the only ultimate solutions are sort of illegal; such as hacking into records of varying types and making them sound better or discreetly bribing your way to civic virginity! 

Photographs are easier, provided you also destroy the negatives or memory cards. Keep the ones marking major life events, such as graduations, honor society memberships, or worthy school activities, provided the pictures are flattering. A tip: get some professionally-taken ones; no glam shots and, above all, no boudoir poses! Obviously, destroy all souvenir detention slips. 

And bribe your old high school assistant principal to silence. Actually, if he is like most, he is all-too-willing to support yourpersona: after all, not many of his charges amounted to anything. 

Personal possessions should be culled from time to time. Having a single, charming stuffed animal left over from your childhood is desirable; having a cabinet full is -- whoa! -- a little too much disclosure! Clothing should be deliberately culled, lest they seem dowdy, bizarre, or too intrusive. Imagine yourself being famous; and having a museum of your childhood home. And what is on display? A bra that you wore back as a freshman will be studied by all, and your size checked and commented on. And, for God's sake, lose those cute hats! No one looks good in a hat! 

On the plus size, purchase a few faux trophies and certificates to indicate your showing early promise. No one will look further into them. 

And have a few tantalizing items that are incompletely accounted for to add a touch of mystery. After all, you want them to continue to look, you know. Maybe a baton, or a cheerleader's outfit or a gavel. Or a notebook of poetry. Copy neatly only your best efforts, though. And try to appear both open and modest if enquired. 

Look at my advice not as a suggestion to be dishonest, but rather to be strategically revisionist. After all, even newspapers have editors. Why not edit your life to make it more in line with your present accomplishments?

News from Flathead County

Here's the police blotter from the Flathead Beacon. These sorts of things make the news in Flathead County, Montana.

9:24 a.m. A local man was upset that someone flipped the bird at him so he called 911.

10:26 a.m. A Martin City woman who lives between the town’s two bars said she was sick and tired of people fighting each other in front of her house.

10:57 a.m. A local resident’s phone was stolen in East Glacier Park.

11:01 a.m. A local man found his bike that had been stolen from McDonald’s the previous night.

11:21 a.m. A motorhome in Bigfork burst into flames.

12:13 p.m. A dog was reportedly locked in a hot Jeep parked “in the middle of nowhere.”

12:28 p.m. A landlord-tenant dispute was getting “aggressive” in Columbia Falls.

12:42 p.m. A Hungry Horse man found his stolen bike.

2:14 p.m. A man running heavy equipment called 911. The dispatcher couldn’t hear what the man was saying and eventually the guy just hung up, leading the dispatcher to believe it was probably a pocket dial.

3:25 p.m. A Columbia Falls man reported that his ex-wife was causing trouble.

Apparently, crime is not a big priority here.

Three Sizes

One time a young fellow was going to marry a girl up on Panther Creek, but they hadn’t done no screwing yet. The girl seen him taking a leak out behind the barn, so then she begun to holler that the wedding will have to be called off. “You’re a-carrying more than I can take,” she says, “that thing is too big for a little girl like me!” But the young fellow just laughed. “I’ve got three of ’em,” says he. “One is lady size, another’n is whore size, and the third is mare size. I always use the mare size to piss with.”

So the girl says all right, and they got married right away. The first night she tried the lady size, and everything went fine. The second night she latched onto the whore size, and that was wonderful, too. The third night she called for the mare size, and it was the best of all. Him and her both had a good time, and you’d think they would live happy ever after.

About three weeks after the wedding, the girl woke up one morning, and she just laid there and yawned. “Honey,” she says, “fetch me one of the garters that is hanging on the chair.” The young fellow just grinned at her. “You ain’t got no stockings on,” says he. “What do you want with a garter?” The girl yawned again, and snuggled up against him. “I just thought of something,” she says. “If we can tie all three of them pricks together, maybe I could get some good fucking for a change!”

Helping a Choking Woman

Two southerners stop in for a bite to eat, while discussing their moonshine operation. A woman at another table begins to cough. Pretty soon she is choking. One southerner says to her "Can yer breathe?" She shakes her head..no. He asks: "Can yer talk?" She shakes her head..No. He gets up, walks over to her, lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties and licks her on one butt cheek. The woman is so shocked by this, she coughs up the food she had been choking on. The southerner slowly walks back to the table to join his partner. The other southerner says "I done heard about that there HIND LICK manuver, but I've never seen it done." 

Have You Ever Been Diddled?

One time there was a town girl and a country girl got to talking about the boys they had went with. The town girl told what kind of car her boyfriends used to drive, and how much money their folks has got. But the country girl didn't take no interest in things like that, and she says the fellows are always trying to get into her pants. 

So finally the town girl says, "Have you ever been diddled?" The country girl giggled, and she says yes, a little bit. 

"How much?" says the town girl. "Oh, about like that," says the country girl, and she held up her finger to show an inch, or maybe an inch and a half. 

The town girl just laughed, and pretty soon the country girl says, "Have you ever been diddled?" 

The town girl says of course she has, lots of times. "How much?" says the country girl. "Oh, about like that," says the town girl, and she marked off about eight inches, or maybe nine. 

The country girl just sat there goggle-eyed, and she drawed a big smile and said, "Wow, girl! That's not being diddled; that's being gloriously laiiiid!" 

Playing a Country Song Backward

What happens when you play a country song backward?

You get out of jail, your wife comes back to you, and your dog comes back to life.

And you get to drink more beer.

Small Town Police Report

Small town newspaper reporting is sometimes slim pickings. However, the weekly Flathead Beacon in Kalispell (pop. 22,052) has found some ways of filling in with generally entertaining news items. Here are a few samples from different weeks, for your information:

9:12 a.m. A dog bit their owner on Peaceful Lane in Lakeside.

11:05 p.m. A man was standing on a roof in Columbia Falls with binoculars. The reporting party was convinced he was up to no good.

1:59 p.m. A Columbia Falls man called 911 because there was an old purple Escort driving around his neighborhood that “doesn’t belong here.”

4:12 p.m. A recently released inmate from the Flathead County jail inquired how they could get their guinea pig back.

8:46 a.m. A Bigfork woman pocket dialed 911. She blamed her dog.

9:31 p.m. Another Kalispell man complained about the youths and their “crotch rockets.”

11:27 p.m. Two people sustained minor injuries during a fight over the 1989 Walt Disney Pictures classic “The Little Mermaid.”


https://flatheadbeacon.com/2018/07/03/little-mermaid-drama/

You can access other week's police reports by using the choices at the bottom of the page.

Why Live to be a Hundred?

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

No Tech Support

That's Ominous

Equally applicable for both dietary overindulgence and pregnancy.

How Long Is Enough?

Specifically, how long should it be for it to be a good roll in the hay?

If the discussion only involves the time of total penis insertion, the average runs about 5.4 minutes. Okay, that's 324 seconds just when it's in the honey pot. 

too short   1-2 minutes
adequate   3-7 minutes
desirable   7-13 minutes
too long     10-30 minutes

But these times refer specifically to how long the penis is actually engaged in place.   Do be a real dear: do sufficient preparatory work. Like 20 minutes' worth might be a good idea.

Once a guy took 35 minutes inside me. That was the only time. I was sore as can be, and exhausted. Damned heavy-handed tree-hugger!

An Idiotic Bit of Legislation

Here is an example of foolishness that doesn't come from Congress.  

Currently, there is a bill before the South Dakota legislature that makes it a Class 1 misdemeanor to alter in any way the South Dakota state seal. Presumably, this would be to print it without the motto "Under God the People Rule" in the banner.

Surely this is notoriously against the First Amendment?

Here's the South Dakota state seal. What do you think?

The Real Missoula