Okay, I have been only occasionally following this lively debate, good citizen that I am. But I read an article from that semireliable source, MSN, and something in it caused me to wonder: "If Americans were concerned about Congress getting their grubby hands on their Medicare, wait till it touches their breast implants. Among the ways the Senate health care bill pays for itself is a 5 percent tax on elective cosmetic surgery like tummy tucks, face lifts, hair plugs, collagen injections, and any other nonrequired procedures-a proposal known as the 'Botax.'" -- from the MSN article.
Just what we need: our government copping . . . . no, I'll leave it unsaid, and keep it funny, maybe. Do they realize what it will do to the industry of Beverly Hills? Can Hollywood stand the hit? And what about certain key members of Congress? Will this change the landscape of L.A., where turkeys are the only ones with natural breasts? Will that change the primary meaning of "spread," where John Wayne or Ronald Reagan used to ride, or something you put on bread? And will the only plugs we encounter are accessories for firefighting or superannuated equines? Thank God for the prohibition of ex post facto laws by Article I, section 9 of the Constitution!
[Written during the health care debates]
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The Dorkistan Bikini Team
The Peoples' Republik of Dorkistan, as part of their Five-Year Plan of Modernization, has instituted the Dorkistan Bikini Team. Fear our revolutionary fervor and beauty, Swedish Bikini Team!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A Radical Proposal for Television Programming
At the University, we were encouraged to be innovative, to think "outside the box." Never mind the hackneyed expression . . . . but here's an idea that I have that you might consider.
Television has been routinely criticized for its failings. Specifically, it counts these offenses, real or exaggerated:
1) Programming is directed mostly to the lowest common denominator.
2) It has little appeal to the elderly.
3) Negligible appeal to males between the ages of 18 and 25, other than sports programming. Thus, this lucrative market is untapped for advertising consumer products.
4) It has little entertainment value.
And, more recently,
5) Network television is not "gay enough."
My proposal is this: Have a competition between universities regarding their teams' ability to remember basic facts of culture and science. Each week, two universities randomly paired off in a general information quiz program. If any question goes unanswered, a buzzer sounds, and the name of a show tune flashes on the screen.
Members of the team that fails to answer the question have two options: either strip off an article of clothing, or sing the show tune that was flashed on the screen.
This, folks, is a win-win prospect:
If the team members elect to sing the tune, the elderly are entertained.
If they choose to strip, instead, the young female demographic is entertained by the show, and the young males by the current practice of "shaming." Especially if the tune in question is "I Feel Pretty."
Naturally, the audience might learn from the answers to the questions, even if they are inevitably disappointed by correct answers. Therefore, the show has some educational content
What do you think of this? Is this a winner?
Television has been routinely criticized for its failings. Specifically, it counts these offenses, real or exaggerated:
1) Programming is directed mostly to the lowest common denominator.
2) It has little appeal to the elderly.
3) Negligible appeal to males between the ages of 18 and 25, other than sports programming. Thus, this lucrative market is untapped for advertising consumer products.
4) It has little entertainment value.
And, more recently,
5) Network television is not "gay enough."
My proposal is this: Have a competition between universities regarding their teams' ability to remember basic facts of culture and science. Each week, two universities randomly paired off in a general information quiz program. If any question goes unanswered, a buzzer sounds, and the name of a show tune flashes on the screen.
Members of the team that fails to answer the question have two options: either strip off an article of clothing, or sing the show tune that was flashed on the screen.
This, folks, is a win-win prospect:
If the team members elect to sing the tune, the elderly are entertained.
If they choose to strip, instead, the young female demographic is entertained by the show, and the young males by the current practice of "shaming." Especially if the tune in question is "I Feel Pretty."
Naturally, the audience might learn from the answers to the questions, even if they are inevitably disappointed by correct answers. Therefore, the show has some educational content
What do you think of this? Is this a winner?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Corporate Sponsors for Strippers
Wanda Bodestar pondered the parlous state of exotic dancing in the Oughts: the salaries of strippers had not yet readjusted to go with the increased demands of the business, and the fickle customer base required more and more in terms of gimmicks. Last year, for example, poor Wanda spent over $4000 in hard-earned money on mighty skimpy work-related costumes. (But at least they could be written off on the income tax, that's a small consolation.) In short, what's a poor girl to do: the overhead had risen like inflation in the Carter years but the adjustments were as meager as the costumes allowed in Vegas.
In order to ease her troubles, Wanda watched a NASCAR race. Unknown to most Americans, perhaps intentionally by both NASCAR and the National Organzation of Strippers (their union), most exotic dancers and go-go girls watch NASCAR for recreation. She chilled out: it was the second pina colada that did it (another dirty little secret of that respectable profession). Then the post-race program came on, with the mandatory insincere deep-throat guzzling of the Pepsi by the winner.
And it dawned on her a solution: Have strippers get corporate sponsors. Yes, they could start off with the initial outfit festooned with various corporate logos and symbols. As she sheds each one, the focus of the audience in the gentlemen's club is on the ad, er garment, bearing the ad.
Little Egypt could not have been more effective with her Dance of the Seven Veils!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The idea was a big success.
Now at the Highway 97 Gentlemen's Club, Wanda is in the middle of her act. She teasingly plays to remove the Exide battery logo as the audience looks on. But all are ultimately awaiting the removal STP emblem or the Chevrolet logo, suitably sponsored by those corporations! Because of a local ordinance, Wanda will remained clothed in the virtue of the Taco Bell logo.
Ain't America grand!
In order to ease her troubles, Wanda watched a NASCAR race. Unknown to most Americans, perhaps intentionally by both NASCAR and the National Organzation of Strippers (their union), most exotic dancers and go-go girls watch NASCAR for recreation. She chilled out: it was the second pina colada that did it (another dirty little secret of that respectable profession). Then the post-race program came on, with the mandatory insincere deep-throat guzzling of the Pepsi by the winner.
And it dawned on her a solution: Have strippers get corporate sponsors. Yes, they could start off with the initial outfit festooned with various corporate logos and symbols. As she sheds each one, the focus of the audience in the gentlemen's club is on the ad, er garment, bearing the ad.
Little Egypt could not have been more effective with her Dance of the Seven Veils!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The idea was a big success.
Now at the Highway 97 Gentlemen's Club, Wanda is in the middle of her act. She teasingly plays to remove the Exide battery logo as the audience looks on. But all are ultimately awaiting the removal STP emblem or the Chevrolet logo, suitably sponsored by those corporations! Because of a local ordinance, Wanda will remained clothed in the virtue of the Taco Bell logo.
Ain't America grand!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Questions Regarding Some Theological Matters Regarding Procreation
Those of us who are trying to live Biblically, using the word of the LORD as a guide to our lives should consult the GOOD BOOK regularly and see proper guidance. I will admit that I have done it religiously; but have not found the proper Biblical passages regarding certain aspects of marital behavior. Obviously, these questions would apply to married people only.
(1) Should the missionary position be the only position to be used by proper, upright Christians, or is this something required only of missionaries?
(2) Does using the missionary position also apply to revivalists; or only to those trying to convert the heathens of Kentucky?
(3) How many times per week should a Good Christian Husband perform his husbandly duty?
(4) Does taking out the garbage also fall under the heading of husbandly duty?
(5) Is it okay for married couples to know each other on Sunday, or is that day reserved only for the LORD?
(6) Does the Bible say anything about who should sleep on the wet spot?
(7) Does doing it in the nude constitute a sin?
(8) Does using Crisco constitute a sin?
(9) Does wearing a bowling shirt while engaging in the procreative act an offense that good Christians should avoid?
Please share your Biblical insights with us.
(1) Should the missionary position be the only position to be used by proper, upright Christians, or is this something required only of missionaries?
(2) Does using the missionary position also apply to revivalists; or only to those trying to convert the heathens of Kentucky?
(3) How many times per week should a Good Christian Husband perform his husbandly duty?
(4) Does taking out the garbage also fall under the heading of husbandly duty?
(5) Is it okay for married couples to know each other on Sunday, or is that day reserved only for the LORD?
(6) Does the Bible say anything about who should sleep on the wet spot?
(7) Does doing it in the nude constitute a sin?
(8) Does using Crisco constitute a sin?
(9) Does wearing a bowling shirt while engaging in the procreative act an offense that good Christians should avoid?
Please share your Biblical insights with us.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Tax on Bovine Flatuses
Recently, the Environment Protection Agency identified animal flatuses as being a significant source of pollutants: approximately 18% of the global warming gases worldwide, including a staggering 37% of methane emissions and an enormous amount of nitrous oxide and carbon dioxide emissions.. After all, there are 1.5 billion cattle and 1.7 billion sheep worldwide to generate all of these scents! That governmental agency, like other government agencies tend to do, saw this as a main chance to levy another tax, using the provisions of the Clean Air Act.
So, we may someday see the taxation of cow farts. Yes, this will take care of those global warming gases. we'll tax 'em, and I'm sure the government will spend the money wisely afterwards, as it always does. But, isn't this short-sighted? After all, about 70% of the world's surface is grazing land, and most of this is not yet in places taxable by the EPA. So, this tax will have a limited effect on the total global warming gas emissions unless we also incorporate a series of military adventures to spread the Tax Love around.
There's another problem: whenever a government derives large amounts of tax money from any source, including from taxing substances which are not healthy for us, the government (in a sense) acquires a vested interest in maintaining that activity or product and thus keeping up the revenue stream. Take cigarette smoking and alcohol beverage drinking: these are significant sources of revenue for both federal and state governmental entities. If the smokers or the boozers were abruptly to smoke less or drink less due to costly taxation, then government would have to get its revenue elsewhere! That can be a serious concern for some people whose bacon might be now fried. And, specifically, our government would have a vested interest in the maintenance of cow fart emissions!
I can envision the federal government some day encouraging the development of Crude Cows, those that emit even more cow farts than usual, all the better to tax them more heavily. There is another concern we should take into account. This proposed tax stereotypes all Bovine Americans as coarse, unmannerly animals. But what about the well-bred cows of America? I can imagine the bovine members of the Junior League thinking the very possibility of a their passing a flatus with utter horror, certain to banish the her from beyond the pale of polite society and being disowned by her family!
No, I think we should categorically exclude all Montana cows, which are quite polite and well-bred. Therefore, I propose that these global warming gases from two alternative sources be taxes in lieu of cows: from teenaged boys, and from politicians! I'm sure that once those sources are curbed, then the global warming problem will be solved!
So, we may someday see the taxation of cow farts. Yes, this will take care of those global warming gases. we'll tax 'em, and I'm sure the government will spend the money wisely afterwards, as it always does. But, isn't this short-sighted? After all, about 70% of the world's surface is grazing land, and most of this is not yet in places taxable by the EPA. So, this tax will have a limited effect on the total global warming gas emissions unless we also incorporate a series of military adventures to spread the Tax Love around.
There's another problem: whenever a government derives large amounts of tax money from any source, including from taxing substances which are not healthy for us, the government (in a sense) acquires a vested interest in maintaining that activity or product and thus keeping up the revenue stream. Take cigarette smoking and alcohol beverage drinking: these are significant sources of revenue for both federal and state governmental entities. If the smokers or the boozers were abruptly to smoke less or drink less due to costly taxation, then government would have to get its revenue elsewhere! That can be a serious concern for some people whose bacon might be now fried. And, specifically, our government would have a vested interest in the maintenance of cow fart emissions!
I can envision the federal government some day encouraging the development of Crude Cows, those that emit even more cow farts than usual, all the better to tax them more heavily. There is another concern we should take into account. This proposed tax stereotypes all Bovine Americans as coarse, unmannerly animals. But what about the well-bred cows of America? I can imagine the bovine members of the Junior League thinking the very possibility of a their passing a flatus with utter horror, certain to banish the her from beyond the pale of polite society and being disowned by her family!
No, I think we should categorically exclude all Montana cows, which are quite polite and well-bred. Therefore, I propose that these global warming gases from two alternative sources be taxes in lieu of cows: from teenaged boys, and from politicians! I'm sure that once those sources are curbed, then the global warming problem will be solved!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Adaptation to Academic Life: The Grad Student Stage
The unwary aspirant of graduate studies enters a pitfall of semiotics that is hard to navigate. After all, academic life presents a facade of breeziness and nonconformity; but this covers like a doily the careerist conformity that is there like a bad cold or pizza boxes on the floor of a guy's apartment! The Sheep (the Academic Elect) and the Goats (not our type) differentiate themselves in varying ways.
The way that most outsiders is familiar with is politics. Be impeccably liberal in your overt stance: wear your affiliation on your sleeve, or at least on your auto bumper. Remember: MSNBC, not FOX News. Read the NY Times on weekends, not the Tennesseean. Vote in nonconforming ways secretly; if you must, be a closet Libertarian or Green Party member!
And speaking of autos, never, never drive a SUV or a Ford or Chevy. A Mini Cooper gets maximum points; but a Volvo or an Acura is okay if one can't avoid one's social background. Accords are too bourgeois, though Japanese. Guys owning a Corvette should expect comments about this being in response to certain, ah, anatomical inadequacies. Other grad students can be bitchy.
Get an accent. Something like received English or Bostonian, or middle European. Use tortured syntax like you were educated in Heidleberg. No drawls, twangs, and nothing that sounds like Sarah Palin or Jeff Foxworthy.
Furniture and decor: homemade bookcases, using boards and bricks, cast-off furniture. Nothing from Pottery Barn, except for in that room in which no one, even your closest friends, ventures. After all, loose tongues sink academic careers. Classical art deco posters: yes; Brad Pitt or Heath Ledger posters: no. Chuck Norris posters are triple no-no-nos!
Dress is a matter of importance: strive for functionality by wearing jeans and tops that are in natural colors. Watch Legally Blonde, and don't go there when it comes to fashion. Beware of t-shirts bearing ironic messages; they might be misconstrued as an expression of a non-academic disposition.
Footwear is especially important: sensible shoes should reign. No heels, please. And no bitch shoes! Keep thy bitchiness to your discourse.
Even lingerie is a criterion. Nothing colored, except maybe black. Think grannies, not bikinis or thongs. Reject sexy in favor of functional. Even though no one will see it, in your heart you know what you're wearing and it's not for you if you want to seem erudite.
Choose your music with care: Mozart is top of the line, but romantics such as Beethoven will also do, if not played too often. Progressive or retro jazz is in good taste. Blues is okay. Country music is OUT! Let not a Britney Spears CD be seen in your area.
The literature you won't ever get to read should be impressive: the kind that you would not mind people seeing that you were reading should you die when the book is only half-finished. Obviously, keep your bodice-rippers or fan mags under wraps. You want to seem literate. A book in an esoteric language would do it.
Religion: Presbyterianism or Episcopalianism or Unitariansim are all held in highest regard within academe. Or belong to to some fairly liberal Catholic or Methodist church. Attend irregularly. That's the key.
Then there's the matter of one's significant other. Generally, a live fiancee, boy friend, or lover is too high maintenance and requires too much time. It's better to have an absentee one. Someone at a med school or law school elsewhere, preferably a first-rung institution, like Harvard or Princeton. You don't get many points if he's at Alaska Polytechnic and Beauty School. If an absentee one is unavailable, then acquire a virtual one over the internet, being mindful never to meet said person.
Obviously, having an absentee Mr. Darcy or Indiana Jones would trump even those.
I hope this gives you some general notions as to fitting in academe. Remember: you can't ever be too pretentious!
The way that most outsiders is familiar with is politics. Be impeccably liberal in your overt stance: wear your affiliation on your sleeve, or at least on your auto bumper. Remember: MSNBC, not FOX News. Read the NY Times on weekends, not the Tennesseean. Vote in nonconforming ways secretly; if you must, be a closet Libertarian or Green Party member!
And speaking of autos, never, never drive a SUV or a Ford or Chevy. A Mini Cooper gets maximum points; but a Volvo or an Acura is okay if one can't avoid one's social background. Accords are too bourgeois, though Japanese. Guys owning a Corvette should expect comments about this being in response to certain, ah, anatomical inadequacies. Other grad students can be bitchy.
Get an accent. Something like received English or Bostonian, or middle European. Use tortured syntax like you were educated in Heidleberg. No drawls, twangs, and nothing that sounds like Sarah Palin or Jeff Foxworthy.
Furniture and decor: homemade bookcases, using boards and bricks, cast-off furniture. Nothing from Pottery Barn, except for in that room in which no one, even your closest friends, ventures. After all, loose tongues sink academic careers. Classical art deco posters: yes; Brad Pitt or Heath Ledger posters: no. Chuck Norris posters are triple no-no-nos!
Dress is a matter of importance: strive for functionality by wearing jeans and tops that are in natural colors. Watch Legally Blonde, and don't go there when it comes to fashion. Beware of t-shirts bearing ironic messages; they might be misconstrued as an expression of a non-academic disposition.
Footwear is especially important: sensible shoes should reign. No heels, please. And no bitch shoes! Keep thy bitchiness to your discourse.
Even lingerie is a criterion. Nothing colored, except maybe black. Think grannies, not bikinis or thongs. Reject sexy in favor of functional. Even though no one will see it, in your heart you know what you're wearing and it's not for you if you want to seem erudite.
Choose your music with care: Mozart is top of the line, but romantics such as Beethoven will also do, if not played too often. Progressive or retro jazz is in good taste. Blues is okay. Country music is OUT! Let not a Britney Spears CD be seen in your area.
The literature you won't ever get to read should be impressive: the kind that you would not mind people seeing that you were reading should you die when the book is only half-finished. Obviously, keep your bodice-rippers or fan mags under wraps. You want to seem literate. A book in an esoteric language would do it.
Religion: Presbyterianism or Episcopalianism or Unitariansim are all held in highest regard within academe. Or belong to to some fairly liberal Catholic or Methodist church. Attend irregularly. That's the key.
Then there's the matter of one's significant other. Generally, a live fiancee, boy friend, or lover is too high maintenance and requires too much time. It's better to have an absentee one. Someone at a med school or law school elsewhere, preferably a first-rung institution, like Harvard or Princeton. You don't get many points if he's at Alaska Polytechnic and Beauty School. If an absentee one is unavailable, then acquire a virtual one over the internet, being mindful never to meet said person.
Obviously, having an absentee Mr. Darcy or Indiana Jones would trump even those.
I hope this gives you some general notions as to fitting in academe. Remember: you can't ever be too pretentious!
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