Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Tennessee's Second Base Law

The Tennessee General Assembly is currently on a morality kick, with a laissez-faire Republican Governor in office and a rapscallion corps of legislators trying to win the favor of their constituents that they stand for purity, religion, and the American Way. Among the bills of the current session are the infamous "Don't Say Gay" bill and one making it okay to teach Creationism as an alternative theory to evolution. In a brilliant stroke, those legislators' may be attempting to rebut Darwin's theory by passing such stupid legislation.
But a trio of mossback legislators from East Tennessee were dining in a fern bar restaurant in Nashville and they noticed a young coups who were very fond of each other -- even to the point where the guy cupped his girl's boobs. They were shocked! And they resolved to do something effective to put this unseemly groping to a halt.

They came up with a legislative act, which they presented to the State Assembly:

An Act

After ninety (90) days from the passage of this act, it shall be unlawful for males to fondle female human's breasts within the boundaries of Tennessee, unless the following conditions are met:

1. The persons involved include one (1) male human and one (1) female human.

2. Both members of the couple consent to this activity.

3. They are duly married to each other; and the date this fondling occurs is not on a Sunday.

[Their feeling is that Sunday should be given over to church matters, and not to carnal pleasures.]

4. Or, they have demonstrated some form of significant commitment to each other, whether in the form of a public betrothal or having dated exclusively for a period of no less that three (3) months, or dated exclusively for no less than ten (10 dates).

5. Each member of the offending couple shall be punished by a sentence of ten (10) days in jail and a fine of no less than $250.00.

[One of the original legislators wanted to require marriage for all groping activity, but a compromise with Memphis Democrats on the committee resulted in the agreed-upon ten days' or three months' requirement. As one Republican legislator put it, "I've been married for twelve years, and my wife still won't let me do that.]

Unfortunately, one of the major in-state newspapers referred to it as the Second Base Law.


  1. Sometimes I am left stranded on first base. :-(

  2. I hope things will improve back home for you very soon.

  3. I think sometimes how can the average IQ be 100. Most people I know have above 100 IQ's. Now I know where all the below 100's reside. The Tennessee General Assembly.

  4. They're not the brightest, in my opinion.

  5. "...a rapscallion corps of legislators..." Heidi, I am linguistically in love with you!

  6. Since I fell into the category of "good field/no hit," this is relevant to my interests. Maybe I can get hit by a pitch and advance to second on a walk.

    Play ball!