Witch Hunt

The city fathers and mothers of Salem wanted to have some unique, touristy event that capitalized on its local theme, which was based on it being the place where the famed Salem witch trials in 1692 occurred. There, as you know, 19 witches were hanged and one was pressed to death. (Five more died in prison, making one wonder about what the prison was like.) Unfortunately, there are no more witches in Salem nowadays, if there ever were any. Most people nowadays are doubters. Indeed, Salem is strangely free of alternative thinking: there's not even a head shoppe or a New Age practitioner, just a few homeopaths.

Therefore, the idea of having a Salem Witch Hunt was found to be impractical.

But one creative soul thought of an alternative: how about a Salem Bitch Hunt? Yes, what a great idea. Find the person who is the bitchiest, and give her prizes such as six pairs of bitch shoes and a bottle of Bitch perfume. Obviously, she is likely also to be a high-maintenance bitch; so the winner would get a year's certificate for manicures and to have her own talk radio program.

The Tennessee Postmodern Realism School of Art

Myron Crumb is generally regarded as the founder of the Tennessee Post-Modern Realism School in art; this is clearly manifested in his lifelong career of innvoativeness in art. In his early days, while a resident undergoing treatment in West Tennessee Mental Hospital, he was introduced to the art of painting ceramic frogs. This was followed by his naturalistic period after his discharge, in which he painted the iconic 'See Rock City' on barns all over the Southeast. Some of his works are still discerned, if the kudzu is not too thick at that time of year.

His middle period was his most prolific: this was his Elvises on Black Velvet Period. At least sixty-one of these ironic commentaries on popular fame are known to exist, including one under wraps in the Frist Museum and two in the Museum of Modern Art. His middle period was followed by his Clown Period, a favorite with collecters and critics.

Presently, Mr. Crumb is experimenting with the painting of upper female torsos, using primaries that are textured with sawdust. He respectfully requests models to provide a medium of his art.

The Burlington Museum is pleased to offer this one-man retrospective of this outstanding Tennesseean artist. Prints are available in the Museum Shop on the second floor.

The Changing Rate of Orgasms in South Dakota

Scientists at the Institute for Sex Research were puzzled at some data regarding a peculiar change in rate of orgasms for South Dakota. During Spring and Summer, South Dakota ranked 17th of the 50 states in frequency of orgasms (just ahead of Arkansas); but the Coyote State's rate dropped to 47th (just ahead of Massachuetts). Some researchers hypothesized that this was due to Seasonal Affective Disorder.

However, a simpler explanation was found to be the real reason. South Dakotans wear mittens in the winter.

A Musical Accompaniment

Sometimes in the world of odd things reality is too strange: more than my unimaginative mind could possibly make up.

Now for most of us the occasion of using a toilet is a dreary chore; something that we're slightly embarassed about and so we are as circumspect as possible. But no more!

Maybe all we really needed was a musical accompaniment for out efforts. Now just think of how more cheery things would be if, when you reached for the t-p, the dispenser would play a nice little tune!

Just look at this site and use your imagination: http://www.justtoiletpaper.com/tt.shtml

Let's see . . . .

For Southern patriots, they can wipe to the tune of "Dixie."

And you just have to direct your feet to the tune of "Singing in the Rain."

Once a year, you can surprise your family members with a fine rendition of "Happy Birthday." No, there won't be any replay of "Sixteen Candles" this year.

Old karaoke hams can sing along to "My Way."

The deluded among us can dream to "Over the Rainbow" and put on their red slippers.

Patriotic airs, such as "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "God Bless America" can be played. Somehow, I shrink at this irreverence.

Plaintive ballards such as "Love Me Tender" and "Yesterday" and "You Are My Sunshine" are for the choosing.

But there is no pleasure more satisfying than to have your roommate come back slightly inebriated, she deciding to use the toilet before going beddy-bye and sleeping it off, and then getting serenaded to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"!