The Buttleopener

My home town, Franklin, has a School Board member who is also an inventor. Here's his:

Ronald Reagan High School's Nickname

Recently, a high school was named after former President Ronald Reagan, presumably in a Republican-leaning school district.  It being a completely new school, with no baggage of tired old traditions, they had to develop new ones.

Interestingly, the Principal was a innovative and progressive educator who believed in allowing the student body much latitude in this process.

One example of tradition-building was for the student body to select a new mascot.  The usual suspect animal mascots and historical ones were suggested, but with no consensus forming.  Finally, Ferris, one of the Senior class, remembered that the former President had been known as "Dutch" when he was younger.  Therefore, he suggested that the school mascot be the Rudders.

The Principal, with some trepidation given the source, asked why that particular nickname?

Mr Buller replied, "Well, President Reagan steered us successfully through perilous times.  It's therefore fitting that we choose Rudders as the school nickname!"

So Ronald Reagan high school's team and student body became known as the Ronald Reagan Rudders.

Zen Bikini

What makes it a Zen bikini?

How Idaho Got Its Name

Never mind that story about Idaho meaning "Gem of theMountains;" that's just historical fodder developed by old Chambers of Commerce. The truth was a little more pointed.

It seemed that when the Territory was first settled, there was a dearth of women. Frankly, none at all. Well, buffalo gals, but they never came out at night.

The locals advertised, "Send us women! Bounties offered!"

And, after a few weeks, a stagecoach came with six ladies in it.

The miners and ranchers stood around, and appraised the passengers as they got off the stage.

The first one off was a Junoesque brunette, who turned out to be a missionary from the Presbyterian Church.

The second one was married to the general store owner. She had a face like a hatchet.

The third one was a blonde schoolteacher.

The fourth one was in her eighties, and came to live with her prissy son.

And the fifth one was a traveling saleswoman, selling linens.

So the townsmen began to murmur: "Where's the women we can dance with and make love to?"

Everyone was disappointed, and were going away.

Finally, out of the stagecoach came an ordinary-looking woman, who announced, "I de 'ho!"

And all were pleased. As we she.

And in honor of her, they named the territory Idaho Territory.

Guide to Tipping

Wrong Emphasis!

Last week Gov. Bill Halsam of Tennessee criticized the news media for emphasizing "crazy issues" in the coverage of the General Assembly's doings. Just little things like "Don't say gay," a measure to ban the wearing of revealing clothing at school, and bills like HB 368/SB 893, that requires evolution and global warming be taught as controversial. Neither issue is controversial scientifically, just politically!

In a way, I can understand his disappointment: there was some good initiatives in this year's session. But the news reporters are naturally drawn to the unusual, the bizarre, and the silly! After all, that's what draws readers' interest.

It just seems to me that the news media would be forced into coverage of substantive issues by default: They have to fill in so much news space, and if nothing truly bizarre is going on, they will report what's left.

El Santuario de Chimayó

El Santuario de Chimayó is a religious shrine located in Chimayó, New Mexico. This sanctuary has a number of cures alleged to happen miraculously here with he healing dirt, and is a setting for a religious pilgrimage each year on Good Friday. It is a quite beautiful and restful site, well worth the 50 mile drive north of Santa Fe. This is on the High Road to Taos, the setting for the traditional New Mexican Hispanic culture.

It has a very spiritual sense to it. Except during pilgrimages, it is usually very quiet.

Tennessee's Second Base Law

The Tennessee General Assembly is currently on a morality kick, with a laissez-faire Republican Governor in office and a rapscallion corps of legislators trying to win the favor of their constituents that they stand for purity, religion, and the American Way. Among the bills of the current session are the infamous "Don't Say Gay" bill and one making it okay to teach Creationism as an alternative theory to evolution. In a brilliant stroke, those legislators' may be attempting to rebut Darwin's theory by passing such stupid legislation.
But a trio of mossback legislators from East Tennessee were dining in a fern bar restaurant in Nashville and they noticed a young coups who were very fond of each other -- even to the point where the guy cupped his girl's boobs. They were shocked! And they resolved to do something effective to put this unseemly groping to a halt.

They came up with a legislative act, which they presented to the State Assembly:

An Act

After ninety (90) days from the passage of this act, it shall be unlawful for males to fondle female human's breasts within the boundaries of Tennessee, unless the following conditions are met:

1. The persons involved include one (1) male human and one (1) female human.

2. Both members of the couple consent to this activity.

3. They are duly married to each other; and the date this fondling occurs is not on a Sunday.

[Their feeling is that Sunday should be given over to church matters, and not to carnal pleasures.]

4. Or, they have demonstrated some form of significant commitment to each other, whether in the form of a public betrothal or having dated exclusively for a period of no less that three (3) months, or dated exclusively for no less than ten (10 dates).

5. Each member of the offending couple shall be punished by a sentence of ten (10) days in jail and a fine of no less than $250.00.

[One of the original legislators wanted to require marriage for all groping activity, but a compromise with Memphis Democrats on the committee resulted in the agreed-upon ten days' or three months' requirement. As one Republican legislator put it, "I've been married for twelve years, and my wife still won't let me do that.]

Unfortunately, one of the major in-state newspapers referred to it as the Second Base Law.