In many couples, the extent of coupling may devolve into the dreaded ABC sex: they engage in lovemaking only on anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas. Often there's no significant problem in their relationship; it's the doldrums of a bad habit they fall into. Very symptomic of that habit is the absence of lovemaking on the day dedicated to love: Valentine's Day, which becomes for them a roses and/or chocolate occasion.
How can this be oversome? With a little imagination and planning. Now Heidi, the Montanan Love Goddess, will suggest some possibilities:
1. Ground Hog Day Sex -- What better excuse for a little roll in the hay besides honoring the upcoming end of winter and our furry friend. Spend this occasion with a little snuggling foreplay while watching the movie 'Groundhog Day' and play 'I Got You Babe' while in bed together. Of course, following the story line of 'Groundhog Day,' this calls for an encore. Or two. Or three. Forget about work the next day; both of you are sleeping in!
2. Republican Sex -- Set one day aside per year and do it in an approved Republican fashion. Missionary position only. Both wearing night shirts. Hopefully, the right one of you will assume the biblically-arrroved wide stance and feel dirty afterwards.
3. Democratic Sex -- Likewise, one special day per year. Do it doggie-style, and wear a yellow nightgown. [Lest this causes Santa Monica limousine liberals to get their knickers in a knot, think Yellow Dog Democrat.]
Anyone for bipartisanship?
4. Dirty Dancing Sex -- Agree to watch 'Dirty Dancing' together; then engage in sex afterwards. 'Dirty Dancing' is a known aphrodisiac for many women; and by requiring guys to watch it first, this amounts to pity sex for them.
5. Super Bowl Sex -- Make this his special day! Fix the right Superbowl snacks and lay in his preferred beer. All week is devoted to the pregame shows, and then THE GAME! This gets most guys in the spirit of things. As soon as the game is over,ou don a cheerleader costume, but go commando, and give a rousing cheer:
"TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT,
I WANT TO COPULATE!
6. Kim Kardashian's` Birthday Sex -- Let looking at "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" get him in the mood.
7. Arbor Day Sex -- Whenever the Hell this is, it's a good day for lovemaking. Planting the tree is optional
8. Valentine's Day -- Make this an occasion to indulge each others' fantasies! Shop and find clothing for him (or her) that turns you on! Do you secretly desire him to dress as a bunny? Fancy a sexy stockbroker? How about a dirty Catholic school girl? Make it mutually fun and a day to remember!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sex and Fishing in Montana
They might be apocryphal, but supposedly Montana has three strange laws.
1. The missionary style is the only position allowed between a man and a woman.
2. In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. 3. It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
Damn! Maybe the legislators need to do something about the first one. After all, many women particularly like cowgirl-style, and they vote! Can you imagine the campaign we could wage and use this bumper sticker:
Montana Fillies Do It Cowgirl-Style
As for the second one: I like to fish, but I'm unmarried। Should I ask guys out on a fishing date, or is that too forward? Maybe my legislator could take me fishing। I promise that I will bait my own hooks.
1. The missionary style is the only position allowed between a man and a woman.
2. In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. 3. It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
Damn! Maybe the legislators need to do something about the first one. After all, many women particularly like cowgirl-style, and they vote! Can you imagine the campaign we could wage and use this bumper sticker:
Montana Fillies Do It Cowgirl-Style
As for the second one: I like to fish, but I'm unmarried। Should I ask guys out on a fishing date, or is that too forward? Maybe my legislator could take me fishing। I promise that I will bait my own hooks.
As for the sheep in trucks: maybe it should be sufficient for the sheep to be consenting।
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Fixing Some Flats
I'm perfectly candid about this: I got breast implants as a graduation present, and I don't feel a need to be secretive about it.
Picture this: I'm near graduation, and still wearing what amounts to a training bra. Or, most often, not. Band-Aids strategically placed were enough. However, one day Momma noticed what I was doing when I was wearing a tee that was more transparent than I realized. She scolded me for my tackiness, but after a tearful, mutually oncomfortable moment, she saw my dilemma, and started things in motion.
There were the various tests. Was I simply slow in maturing, or was that it? We saw various doctors in Nashville, before one explained this option I ultimately took.
We explained the matter to Dad, since it would run $7000. Not a small amount for a graduation present, not to mention my and Momma's commitment.
Picture this: I'm near graduation, and still wearing what amounts to a training bra. Or, most often, not. Band-Aids strategically placed were enough. However, one day Momma noticed what I was doing when I was wearing a tee that was more transparent than I realized. She scolded me for my tackiness, but after a tearful, mutually oncomfortable moment, she saw my dilemma, and started things in motion.
There were the various tests. Was I simply slow in maturing, or was that it? We saw various doctors in Nashville, before one explained this option I ultimately took.
We explained the matter to Dad, since it would run $7000. Not a small amount for a graduation present, not to mention my and Momma's commitment.
The discomfort was bearable. They results were great!
I graduated AA and with high honors; I started university as a freshman with boobs requiring full-fledged B cups. In a way, the whole experience released my from a lot of inhibitions. (No, I didn't completely flaunt my breasts!)
I like my store-bought ta-tas. I affectionately refer to them as "my Alps!" They did boost my confidence, however silly it may seem to others. I'm not suggesting it as a universal self-esteem fix; but sometimes the simpler road is the one to take. I'll just be happy, and leave others to whatever opinions that may entertain.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Top Engineering Expressions and Terms
Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)
We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)
We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)
We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)
We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sex Toy Ban in Alabama
I see that the U.S. Supremes refused to take up the plea by Sherri Williams, proprietress of Pleasures, a business located in Huntsville and Decatur, Alabama, to declare unconstututional an Alabama law prohibiting 'sex toys.'
Ahh, I'm pleased to know that our noble Justices are either well-satisfied, or have very limited desires. However, think about those poor Alabamians out there who are starving for pleasure! Who is meeting their needs? We definitely should not look to either political party, or the clowns that represent us in Montgomery, to do the job. And, for God's sake, not the preachers or sports-talk announcers, either!
Will this ban on sex toys result in a motely collection of Tennessee and Georgia state-line tawdry businesses that cater to Alabamians wishing to walk on the wild side and smuggle those sexual appliances, vibrators, ben-wa balls, massage oils, and other occasions of sin back to where We Used to Defend Our Rights? Will the people of Tennessee be easily able to identify Alabama women by their dark sunglasses and furtive behavior around their local sex shoppes? Will Mississippi become a place for Alabamians to slip from the confines of the Straight and Narrow?
My friends, I think this is intolerable, and also silly! After all, do we not have a problem with too many unmarried ladies having babies with third-class males? Do we not have a considerable level of marital tension due to husbands failing to console their wives during football season? And what about the ugly girls? What are they to do? Pray tell, take the long view on this, will you? After all, chick flicks and chocolate are not enough.
Why are we so dead set against people having FUN around here? With a vibrator, a woman can be satisfied, and have no wet spot to clean up afterwards. Why can't a girl with a cute tush proudly display it at Gulf Shores? Okay, the string bikini is okay now, but let's step up to the next level. Let's go Thong City.
And why does Alabama have the brain drain that it does? Isn't the fact that our best and brightest going to such pathetic places as Atlanta and Knoxville and Charlotte telling us something? Clearly we're not meeting the needs of our young people.
Geesh, it's a pretty pass when we can't even be as cool as Charleston, South Carolina or Nashville, Tennessee. Let's be honest: Alabama equals dull and prejudiced, in the eyes of many. And we need to reverse that real soon.
We need to stop hating, and stop our busybodyness, and stop being satisfied with bad food, and stop electing morons to public office. We need to get on the stick, and start realizing our true potential.
Yes, visionaries like David Bronner are offering us lofty goals, but we need to broaden our vistas of the Alabama That Should Be!
We need to become a more permissive, dynamic place. Hell, a fun and cool place to live!
For a start, let Governor Riley declare the last weekend of the month to be Alabama Orgasm Weekend, and assign all Alabamians, whatever their sex, race, sexual preference, or species to seek the Big O as a state duty so that we can declare to an unprepared world, "We are Alabama! We are fun! We are into business!"
And our legislature to stand up, wave their Playboys in unison, and repeal the notorious Alabama sex toy law.
[This was written and first published by Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head in October 2007 in Losers. Thanks and a War Eagle, Elvis, for giving me permission to republish it.]
Ahh, I'm pleased to know that our noble Justices are either well-satisfied, or have very limited desires. However, think about those poor Alabamians out there who are starving for pleasure! Who is meeting their needs? We definitely should not look to either political party, or the clowns that represent us in Montgomery, to do the job. And, for God's sake, not the preachers or sports-talk announcers, either!
Will this ban on sex toys result in a motely collection of Tennessee and Georgia state-line tawdry businesses that cater to Alabamians wishing to walk on the wild side and smuggle those sexual appliances, vibrators, ben-wa balls, massage oils, and other occasions of sin back to where We Used to Defend Our Rights? Will the people of Tennessee be easily able to identify Alabama women by their dark sunglasses and furtive behavior around their local sex shoppes? Will Mississippi become a place for Alabamians to slip from the confines of the Straight and Narrow?
My friends, I think this is intolerable, and also silly! After all, do we not have a problem with too many unmarried ladies having babies with third-class males? Do we not have a considerable level of marital tension due to husbands failing to console their wives during football season? And what about the ugly girls? What are they to do? Pray tell, take the long view on this, will you? After all, chick flicks and chocolate are not enough.
Why are we so dead set against people having FUN around here? With a vibrator, a woman can be satisfied, and have no wet spot to clean up afterwards. Why can't a girl with a cute tush proudly display it at Gulf Shores? Okay, the string bikini is okay now, but let's step up to the next level. Let's go Thong City.
And why does Alabama have the brain drain that it does? Isn't the fact that our best and brightest going to such pathetic places as Atlanta and Knoxville and Charlotte telling us something? Clearly we're not meeting the needs of our young people.
Geesh, it's a pretty pass when we can't even be as cool as Charleston, South Carolina or Nashville, Tennessee. Let's be honest: Alabama equals dull and prejudiced, in the eyes of many. And we need to reverse that real soon.
We need to stop hating, and stop our busybodyness, and stop being satisfied with bad food, and stop electing morons to public office. We need to get on the stick, and start realizing our true potential.
Yes, visionaries like David Bronner are offering us lofty goals, but we need to broaden our vistas of the Alabama That Should Be!
We need to become a more permissive, dynamic place. Hell, a fun and cool place to live!
For a start, let Governor Riley declare the last weekend of the month to be Alabama Orgasm Weekend, and assign all Alabamians, whatever their sex, race, sexual preference, or species to seek the Big O as a state duty so that we can declare to an unprepared world, "We are Alabama! We are fun! We are into business!"
And our legislature to stand up, wave their Playboys in unison, and repeal the notorious Alabama sex toy law.
[This was written and first published by Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head in October 2007 in Losers. Thanks and a War Eagle, Elvis, for giving me permission to republish it.]
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Part-Time College Instructors and Teaching Assistants
Colleges and universities have three classes of teachers in their hire: the professors (of varying ranks), the adjuncts or part-time instructors, and the teaching assistants. They essentially inhabit three different worlds. The professors receive a professional-level salary (varying by rank, experience, location, and type of institution. They additionally have the normal suite of fringe benefits, including the important health insurance. Professors have their own offices, are given computers and telephones by the university, and have their own campus snail mail box. Most are awarded tenure after a probationary period, which is usually prefunctory.
Part-time instructors typically are paid by the class, and at a fraction per class of what the full-time faculty receives. They receive no benfits, being only of part-time status. Because of this, many have to hold down part-time positions at two or more different institutions, or work part-time at some other job. Imagine running into your English instructor working in a convenience store or delivering your pizza. It can happen.
Teaching Assistants are the true proletariat of the academic world. They teach classes or lab sections with small compensation, have long hours, very little discretion in how they conduct classes, and often times are called on to do additional duties. Fringe benefits? No way. T
The different classes of college teachers live different life styles. Professors are more bourgeois, especially those with higher academic rank. Some may even be soccer moms and dads. Their beverage of choice is a nice single-malt scotch or cognac. They vacation in the mountains or rent a condo on the coast for a week. Part-timers drink inexpensive plonk or a nice beer; and are content with a weekend in Gatlinburg. TAs drink on-sale beer, and do spring break if someone foots their bill or kicks in for gas.
Of course, it's not all one-sided. A junior professor or part-time instructor does not further her career by being named Miss Spring Break Bikini. A grad student can probably pull it off (the act; maybe not the bikini, itself!), and be regarded as a free spirit in her department! And graduate students notoriously do not have to mow lawns, except as a part-time job or if some professor decides that lawn mowing is "part of graduate training."
Part-time instructors typically are paid by the class, and at a fraction per class of what the full-time faculty receives. They receive no benfits, being only of part-time status. Because of this, many have to hold down part-time positions at two or more different institutions, or work part-time at some other job. Imagine running into your English instructor working in a convenience store or delivering your pizza. It can happen.
Teaching Assistants are the true proletariat of the academic world. They teach classes or lab sections with small compensation, have long hours, very little discretion in how they conduct classes, and often times are called on to do additional duties. Fringe benefits? No way. T
The different classes of college teachers live different life styles. Professors are more bourgeois, especially those with higher academic rank. Some may even be soccer moms and dads. Their beverage of choice is a nice single-malt scotch or cognac. They vacation in the mountains or rent a condo on the coast for a week. Part-timers drink inexpensive plonk or a nice beer; and are content with a weekend in Gatlinburg. TAs drink on-sale beer, and do spring break if someone foots their bill or kicks in for gas.
Of course, it's not all one-sided. A junior professor or part-time instructor does not further her career by being named Miss Spring Break Bikini. A grad student can probably pull it off (the act; maybe not the bikini, itself!), and be regarded as a free spirit in her department! And graduate students notoriously do not have to mow lawns, except as a part-time job or if some professor decides that lawn mowing is "part of graduate training."
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